John McGahern - The Collected Stories

‘We could tell him everything,’ she said without conviction. ‘That we want to be together.’

‘He’d go berserk. You know that.’

‘He’s often said that the one thing he feels guilty about is having taken my young life. That we should have met when both of us were young.’

‘That doesn’t mean he’ll think me the ideal man for the job,’ I said. ‘They say the world would be a better place if we looked at ourselves objectively and subjectively at others, but that’s never the way the ball bounces.’

‘Well, what are we to do?’

‘By telling Jerry about us, you’re just using one relationship to break up another. I think you should leave Jerry. Tell him that you just want to start up a life of your own.’

‘But he’ll know that there’s someone.’

‘That’s his problem. You don’t have to tell him. We can stay apart for a while. And then take up without any fear, like two free people.’

‘I don’t know,’ she said as she put on her coat. ‘And then, after all that, if I found that you didn’t want me, I’d be in a nice fix.’

‘There’d be no fear of that. Where are you going tonight?’

‘There’s a dinner that a younger branch of the Party is giving. It’s all right for me to go. They think it rather dashing of Jerry to appear with a young woman.’

‘I’m not so sure. Young people don’t like to see themselves caricatured either.’

‘Anyhow I’m going,’ she said.

‘Will it be five in Gaffneys tomorrow?’

‘At five, then,’ I heard as the door opened and softly closed.

‘Does Jerry suspect at all?’ I asked her again another evening over Gaffneys’ small coal fire.

‘No. Not at all. Odd that he often was suspicious when nothing at all was going on and now that there is he suspects nothing. Only the other day he was asking about you. He was wondering what had become of you. It seemed so long since we had seen you last.’

Our easy thieving that was hardly loving, anxiety curbed by caution, appetite so luxuriously satisfied that it could not give way to the dreaming that draws us close to danger, was wearing itself naturally away when a different relationship was made alarmingly possible. Jerry was suddenly offered a lucrative contract to found a new radio/television network in Sierra Leone, and he was thinking of accepting. Ireland as a small nation with a history of oppression was suddenly becoming useful in the Third World.

‘He goes to London the weekend after next for the interview and he’ll almost certainly take it.’

‘That means the end of his political career here.’

‘There’s not much further he can get here. It gives him prestige, a different platform, and a lot of cash.’

‘How do you fit into this?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Does he want to take you with him?’

‘He’ll go out on his own first, but he says that as soon as he’s settled there and sees the state of play that he wants me to follow him.’

‘What’ll you do?’

‘I don’t know,’ she said in a voice that implied that I was now part of these considerations.

Slane was a lovely old village in the English style close to Dublin. One Sunday we had lunch at the one hotel, more like a village inn than a hotel, plain wooden tables and chairs, the walls and fireplaces simple black and white, iron scrapers on the steps outside the entrance. She had suggested that we go there the weekend Jerry was on interview in London. The country weekend, the walks along the wooded banks of the river, coming back to the hotel with sharp appetites to have one drink in the bar and then to linger over lunch, in the knowledge that we had the whole long curtained afternoon spread before us, was dream enough. But was it to be that simple? Did we know one another outside the carnal pleasures we shared, and were we prepared to spend our lives together in the good or nightmare they might bring? It was growing clearer that she wasn’t sure of me and that I wasn’t sure. So when the telegram came from the country I was almost glad of the usual drama and mysteriousness.

‘Then that’s goodbye to our poor weekend.’ She handed me back the telegram in Gaffneys.

‘It’s only one weekend,’ I protested. ‘We’ll have as many as we want once Jerry goes.’

‘You remember when I wanted to tell Jerry that we were in love and you wouldn’t have it? You said we didn’t know one another well enough, and then when we can have two whole days together you get this telegram. How are we ever going to get to know one another except by being together?’

‘Maybe we can still go?’

‘No. Not if you are doubtful. I think you should go home.’

‘Will you come back with me this evening?’

‘I have to have dinner with Jerry.’

‘When?’

‘At eight.’

‘We’ll have time. We can take a taxi.’

‘No, love.’ She was quite definite.

‘Will you meet me when I come back, then?’ I asked uncertainly.

‘Jerry comes back from London on Sunday.’

‘On Monday, then?’

‘All right, on Monday.’ There was no need to say where or when. She even said, ‘See you Monday,’ to the barman’s silent inquiry as we left, and he waved ‘Have a nice weekend,’ as he gathered in our glasses.

I was returning home: a last look at the telegram before throwing it away — an overnight bag, the ticket, the train — the old wheel turned and turned anew, wearing my life away; but if it wasn’t this wheel it would be another.

Rose, my stepmother, seemed glad to see me, smiling hard, speaking rapidly. ‘We even thought you might come on the late train last night. We said he might be very well on that train when we heard it pass. We kept the kettle on till after the news, and then we said you’ll hardly come now, but even then we didn’t go to bed till we were certain you’d not come.’

‘Is there something wrong?’

‘No. There’s nothing wrong.’

‘What does he want me for?’

‘I suppose he wants to see you. I didn’t know there was anything special, but he’s been worrying or brooding lately. I’m sure he’ll tell you himself. And now you’ll be wanting something to eat. He’s not been himself lately,’ she added conspiratorially. ‘If you can, go with him, do your best to humour him.’

We shook hands when he came, but did not speak, and Rose and myself carried the burden of the conversation during the meal. Suddenly, as we rose at the end of the meal, he said, ‘I want you to walk over with me and look at the walnuts.’

‘Why the walnuts?’

‘He’s thinking of selling the walnut trees,’ Rose said. ‘They’ve offered a great price. It’s for the veneer, but I said you wouldn’t want us to sell.’

‘A lot you’d know about that,’ he said to her in a half-snarl, but she covertly winked at me, and we left it that way.

‘Was the telegram about the selling of the walnut trees, then?’ I asked as we walked together towards the plantation. ‘Sell anything you want as far as I’m concerned.’

‘No. I have no intention of selling the walnuts. I threaten to sell them from time to time, just to stir things up. She’s fond of those damned walnuts. I just mentioned it as an excuse to get out. We can talk in peace here,’ he said, and I waited.

‘You know about this Act they’re bringing in?’ he began ponderously.

‘No.’

‘They’re giving it a first reading, but it’s not the law yet.’

‘What is this Act?’

‘It’s an Act that makes sure that the widow gets so much of a man’s property as makes no difference after he’s dead — whether he likes it or not.’

‘What’s this got to do with us?’

‘You can’t be that thick. I’ll not live for ever. After this Act who’ll get this place? Now do you get my drift? Rose will. And who’ll Rose give it to? Those damned relatives will be swarming all over this place before I’m even cold.’