Jean d'Ormesson - The Conversation

CAMBACÉRÈS

I thought that he already was married.

BONAPARTE

He was. He married the daughter of a Provence innkeeper. She died, which was a good thing. Then he pursued Juliette Récamier, who wanted nothing to do with him and sent her ridiculous letters with openings like, “Romeo writes you, his Juliet. .”

CAMBACÉRÈS

This came to you through Fouché, I imagine.

BONAPARTE

Of course Fouché, thanks to whom, even though he is no longer a minister — though I may reappoint him — I have a functioning police force. Then I learned from Pauline that Lucien had become infatuated with a widow, a kind of stockbroker: Madame Jouberthon. I opposed this relationship, but to no effect. Do you know what he said to me?

CAMBACÉRÈS

I’m afraid I don’t. I’m not as close to Fouché as you are.

BONAPARTE

He said, “At least mine is pretty.”

CAMBACÉRÈS

That is not only vulgar but inaccurate. In any case, I hope he won’t marry her. Let him make her a kept woman. She seems accustomed to that and it’s his fantasy.

BONAPARTE

Too late. He married her. Lucien is as much an idiot in his private life as in his public life. Oh, my dear colleague, the French people think that I am preoccupied only with great thoughts about power and war, and instead I spend my time worrying about matters of the heart.

CAMBACÉRÈS

I find that hard to believe.

BONAPARTE

No, it’s quite true. My youngest brother, Jérôme, is nineteen. While he was on a trip to the United States, he married an American girl.

CAMBACÉRÈS

An American?

BONAPARTE

Yes, an American! The daughter of a merchant from the city of Baltimore by the name of Elizabeth Patterson. So you see, now I am the brother-in-law of Madame Jouberton and Elizabeth Patterson.

CAMBACÉRÈS

You are the Victor of Rivoli and Marengo, you have conquered Venice and Egypt, you have forced the English to accept a peace treaty, and you are First Consul and President of the Italian Republic.

BONAPARTE

I also have brothers and sisters, and they strive to poison my life and dishonor what I have taken such pains to nurture. Only my dear and beautiful Pauline has given me some satisfaction.

CAMBACÉRÈS

At least that’s something.

BONAPARTE

As you say. After the death of poor Leclerc, who was so brutally taken from her before being carried off by yellow fever in Santo Domingo, she has found consolation, first with that thug Sarlovèze, who hated me and whom I got rid of, and then with Eugène de Beauharnais, the son of my Joséphine. Happily, she just married Prince Camille Aldobrandini Borghèse, grand-nephew of two popes, who is both more capable and wealthy than the miserable Bacciochi, husband of my sister Élisa.

CAMBACÉRÈS

My congratulations, Citizen First Consul.

BONAPARTE

Élisa has gone nearly mad with rage and jealousy over it. Her relationship with that journalist Fontanes is not enough to bring her peace. Oh, Cambacérès! You see how it is with family. Mine has made disgraceful marriages and yet dreams of wealth and glory. It owes everything to me and yet wants everything from me — power, money, titles, honors. It makes me wonder sometimes whether we are not all sharing in the legacy of my dead father. Everything they have comes from me and I am exhausting myself counteracting their idiocies and grossness.

CAMBACÉRÈS

You can always count upon your friends — upon me, who thinks only of your greatness. And upon Joséphine.

BONAPARTE

Joséphine! I loved her so very much. Now she’s making problems for me, serious problems, by not giving me an heir. And then meaningless things, with which she harangues me all day long. Have you heard about this business of the shawl?

CAMBACÉRÈS

No. What shawl?

BONAPARTE

It would appear that about two weeks ago an Armenian merchant called upon my sister Caroline with a cashmere shawl, embroidered with red and gold, and covered with enormous flowers. A garish thing, but strange and rather extraordinary and therefore outrageously expensive.

CAMBACÉRÈS

I wonder what price Madame Murat would consider “outrageous.”

BONAPARTE

Fifteen-thousand francs.

CAMBACÉRÈS

Ah. That is a hefty price.

BONAPARTE

That’s what Caroline thought. She told the Armenian, “That’s too costly. I won’t buy it.” Then she added almost immediately, “My god but it is handsome. I would offer you ten thousand.” To which the Armenian replied, “Fifteen thousand and not a sou less.” This angered Caroline, who told him he was out of his mind and to leave immediately.

CAMBACÉRÈS

To her very great credit.

BONAPARTE

It didn’t end there. It wasn’t the Armenian but Caroline who was out of her mind. She dreamed of the shawl. She happened to run into my stepdaughter Hortense and went on and on about it. Hortense immediately went to Joséphine, her mother, and told her about this Wonder of the East. Joséphine was immediately seized with the desire to possess it. She moved heaven and earth to find the Armenian merchant and first offered him twelve thousand, then thirteen, and finally bought the shawl for fifteen-thousand francs.

CAMBACÉRÈS

Did you reproach her?

BONAPARTE

I reproach her nothing. But the story still isn’t finished. A few days later my sister Élisa went to have dinner with my wife. The minute Élisa arrived she saw that her sister-in-law was wearing the famous shawl. She had never seen it herself but Caroline had described it with such emotion in her voice that she recognized it immediately. The very next day she had nothing better to do than to hurry over and inform her sister that she had lost the shawl forever. Caroline was furious. She told her husband Murat that Joséphine had only bought it to spite her and that she would never speak to her again.

CAMBACÉRÈS

Good heavens. I can see how painful this would be for any family, but for yours. .

BONAPARTE

My mother and Joseph’s wife, who is a good person, went to Joséphine and asked whether she would be willing to give the shawl to Caroline, putting an end to this discord. Joséphine replied that it was hers and that she intended to keep it. Voices were raised. Tears flowed. Caroline demanded that her sister-in-law give her the shawl for what she paid for it. My wife replied that she would burn it first. My mother, Murat, my brother Joseph, Élisa, and Hortense were involved in the battle. The Tuileries became a hell.

CAMBACÉRÈS

Where did you come down on it all?

BONAPARTE

Weary of all the fuss and tears and pouting, I decided that Joséphine could keep the shawl but that she could not wear it. And I gave Caroline a very fine string of pearls.

CAMBACÉRÈS

A decision worthy of Solomon.

BONAPARTE

One that took more painful effort than a two week military campaign or than negotiating for peace with the Austrians or the English.

CAMBACÉRÈS

All families have their squabbles. Dazzled by the greatness that you shine on all corners, yours is more demanding than others. But may I be permitted to offer you a word of advice?