Sam Pink - Witch Piss

“Spider-Man?” I said.

“Yizzir. That nigga bi-polar. He flip out and I gotta beat the brakes off his ass.” He laughed like ‘Hik’ik’ik.’ He sniffed and hawked on the ground. “Plus that nigga annoying, jo. Talkin bout, you mention anything about them comic books, nigga go on and tell you the whole damn movie. S’like, ‘I thought I saw this shit, but oh well.’”

We both laughed.

Spider-Man came back into the alley, pushing Janet in her wheelchair.

He was sweating

He came up to Face. “Ey, you get those squares?”

Face cleared his throat. “Yeah, Janny.”

He showed Spider-Man the ziplock bag of cigarettes.

They disagreed about how many were for who — with Face claiming to have paid for at least one, and Spider-Man maintaining that none were for Face.

Spider-Man started yelling, grabbed the bag. Then he said, “Nah fuck it, you know what, here, take your fucking cigarettes”—throwing the bag at Face.

Face tried to give the cigarettes back. “Come on, Janny. Relax, man.”

Spider-Man took the bag of cigarettes and put one behind his ear, pocketing the rest, staring at Face.

Janet said, “Beb, um, can you fiss my foot peez?”

Spider-Man put her foot back into the plastic holder on her wheelchair.

She told Spider-Man about the burrito in the harness underneath her chair.

They split it.

He helped feed her while combing her hair.

A small piece of steak stuck to her nose after a bite.

She started to tell me about her online business with the piece of steak stuck to her nose.

She made bead necklaces and sold them online.

“Yo,” Spider-Man said. He put the comb in his armpit, holding half the burrito in his hand. He pulled his collar down, showed me a necklace with alternating red and green plastic beads. “Shit’s beautiful ain it?”

“Oh nice,” I said. “Christmas style.”

He said, “Dahhhh”—continuing to comb Janet’s hair. “This my baby, I love my baby.” He knelt by Janet and looked her in the eyes. “I’d do anything for you. You’re my heart. I’d go to the gates of hell for you — go inside and close the gates to keep you out. I’d fight the Cerberus.” He held up the burrito for Janet to bite. “Fuckin, kick the Sears Tower up into the air and lay in the street for it to land antenna-down on my chest. Anything.”

“Hey man,” I said to Face. “You hungry? I’m going to get some tacos.”

“For certain, cous,” he said.

I went and bought some tacos.

When I got back we all sat there in the alley under the train tracks, eating.

Janet mentioned she was learning to crochet at the library.

Spider-Man started to tell a story about his mother teaching his last woman to crochet but Janet interrupted.

“Wuh, who was that, huh?” she said. She turned to me. “See? Thuh, that’s how I find out bout this shit. Fock.”

Spider-Man threw down the comb. “My fucking ex-wife goddamnit! Tryna tell a story about my mom and you fuckin interrupt me. Fuck you!”

He crouched over her, his mouth right by her eyes.

She didn’t say anything, staring up in different directions — her hands by her chest with the fingers out, piece of steak on the tip of her nose.

Everyone was quiet while Spider-Man screamed at her.

“You make me look bad in front of my fuckin friends ,” he yelled.

He grabbed Face’s 40 off the ground and walked away, foam coming out of the 40 as he uncapped it.

Janet said, “He just um — he just need to, wuh, walk around.”

Nobody said anything.

Face and I ate.

Spider-Man came back after a few minutes.

He sat down on a parking block and took a pull off the 40, pumping his one leg up and down on tiptoe.

He spoke quietly, one hand splayed out.

He told Janet not to interrupt him.

“When I talk about my mom, let me talk. Ok?”

She said ok.

He put the 40 down and hugged Janet. “Ok. I love you.”

She said, “Luh, luff you more.”

“Love you super most.”

“I luff you, uh-finity.”

“You’re supposed to say I love you more than the galaxy,” he said, smiling and blinking his eyes cartoonishly.

Then he grabbed Janet’s nose between his first and middle finger and pulled his hand back with his thumb sticking out between the fingers. “Got your nose.”

She grabbed his nose but didn’t put her thumb through her fingers like you’re supposed to.

They both laughed, holding each other’s noses.

Eventually, he put her nose on his face and she put his on hers.

And I remembered the gum I had with me.

It was this shredded bubblegum, manufactured to look like chewing tobacco.

I’d bought a three pack a while ago — Ground Ball Grape, Swinging Sour Apple, and You’rrrrrrrrrre Out! Original.

“You guys want some of this?” I said, reaching into my back pocket.

I’d been pretty liberal about offering people ‘a pinch’ wherever I went.

Because fuck yeah I wanted the pinches to go around.

Wanted everyone to know they could always rely on me to get a pinch.

The package I had with me was ‘Ground Ball Grape’ flavor.

It said, “Whole lotta gum inside!” on the front, below a cartoon baseball player holding a bat and looking ready to swing.

I handed the package to Spider-Man.

“Get yourself a pinch, man,” I said.

He took a good-sized pinch.

“That’s what I like to see,” I said.

Spider-Man put the gum in his mouth and started chewing, rolling his eyes in circles and going, “Na, na, na.”

Face laughed like ‘Hik’ik’ik’ and said, “Janny talking bout that na na na.”

Pretty soon everyone had taken a pinch and was just enjoying everything.

We finished the 40.

Face left for work.

Spider-Man opened a dumpster by his bed and searched through it and got out a chessboard and a bag with the pieces.

We played chess while Janet continued work on a black and white beaded necklace.

We set the board on an overturned bucket and I used a bottlecap in place of a missing knight.

The game progressed slowly at first.

But then Spider-Man easily took a few of my pieces and put me in checkmate.

I acknowledged it by saying, “You motherfucker.”

We reviewed all my possible moves and how each led to check.

I’d point out a move and Spider-Man would show how one of his pieces could attack, making the sound, ‘Kersh.’

I shook his hand and helped him clean up the pieces.

We put the pieces and board back in the dumpster.

The dumpster was full of stuff — shirts, plastic containers, an umbrella, a package of cookies, etc.

I said, “Oh man, you got cookies?”

“Dahhhh, cookies. Gah be nuts. Here.”

He handed me the package.

The cookies had a drop of red jelly in the middle, according to the front of the package.

“Thanks man,” I said.

I hugged Janet goodbye and walked down the alley.

I ate the cookies on my way home.

The drop of red jelly was the best part.

Tonight when I passed by the alley no one was there, just a rat walking over Spider-Man’s bed in the moonlight.

So I walked towards the Two Door.

Saw Face coming back from a liquor store down the block.

He had a 40 and a stack of fastfood cups.

He asked what I was doing. “We finna smash this 40 over by the bus stop, cous, come on.”

At the bus stop there was a short fat guy, balding with a ponytail, wearing a huge Bears hoodie.

“Wha’s good, Mike,” Face said, slapping hands with him.

Mike was talking to a guy slumped over on the bus stop bench.

“Speedy,” Mike said. “I’m fucking telling you.”