Doris Lessing - Briefing for a Descent into Hell

And you don’t?

No. You’re so angry. I didn’t expect you to be angry.

Angry? Of course I’m not angry. What a funny thing to say. It’s not your fault you’ve lost your memory. It happens to people. I’m very sorry for you. I really am.

No, you are angry.

Well, if I were angry … it’s so like you Charles. All the time, since I knew you had lost your memory I couldn’t help thinking, That’s so like Charles.

But why is it? Have I lost my memory before?

No. Well, not so far as I know. You never told me, if so. But you don’t tell me things, do you?

There, I said you were angry.

Oh no , now I’m in the wrong again. I simply can’t believe ………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………

Don’t cry.

We’ve lived together for fifteen years. Fifteen years, Charles.

I’m sorry. I’m really very sorry, Felicity. And now you are angrier still.

I’m not angry but I can’t help crying. Wouldn’t you?

Please go. You must go away. I don’t know you, you see, Felicity.

Patient was visited by his wife today. Visit terminated at patient’s request .

Wife hysterical subject, better kept away from patient for the time being, in my opinion .

DOCTOR X.

Doctor X, I simply have to see you.

Ah, Mrs. Watkins, I thought you had gone back home. Well, sit down, I’m very pleased to see you. Now, what can I do for you?

What can you do for me! Doctor X, he’s been here now nearly two months.

Yes, I’m afraid he has. But he is better, we think.

How do you judge betterness, then? How? You say he didn’t know who he was when he came in here. And he still doesn’t. So why is he better?

He’s better in himself. More rested.

Rested? Was he ill when he came in?

No, he didn’t have flu, or bronchitis.

I know I am very stupid Doctor. I know that. But it doesn’t help me when you are sarcastic. You say he is better. But I’ve never seen him look so awful. Never. He’s so thin. And he seems shaky and weak.

It is very understandable that you are upset.

Oh thanks. Thanks very much.

Look at it from our point of view. Your husband was brought in here nearly two months ago, by the police, in a state of shock, having been robbed, without papers, money, or knowledge of who he was. He was talking to himself, hallucinated, he had religious delusions and he was paranoiac. We did what we could to get him better, that’s all.

And you say he is better?

In my opinion he is better.

Can I see Doctor Y?

Certainly, but he isn’t here today.

He wasn’t here yesterday either. He wrote to me about my husband, you see.

He does two days a week at another hospital.

When will he be here?

Tomorrow.

Can I see him then?

Certainly. Tell the office on your way out that you will be back tomorrow, and ask them to make an appointment.

Oh please don’t think that I want to be rude, Doctor, I don’t.

Not at all. We are quite used to it Mrs. Watkins.

Oh Doctor Y, I stayed over in town to see you.

And I’m very pleased that you did. How do you think your husband is?

How do I know? How can I tell? Oh, I think he looks awful, awful … I don’t see how it is possible!

Oh, believe me, it happens.

No, no, I don’t mean that. That people don’t lose their memories. But … are you married, Doctor?

Yes, I am.

How long have you been married?

Nine years. No, ten.

Imagine you walk into your bedroom tonight when you go home, and your wife is there, and she looks at you and talks exactly as she always does and then suddenly she says she doesn’t know who you are.

Yes, Mrs. Watkins, I have tried to imagine it happening. I really have tried.

But … I’m not complaining about that. I don’t seem to be able to make myself understood. It is this — how can you say he has lost his memory then?

Now I don’t understand … cigarette? They are bringing some tea in a minute.

If he has lost his memory, then why does he speak as he always speaks. The same phrases. Everything the same.

Ah, now I understand.

If he had lost his memory, if he really didn’t know who he was, then he’d be like a — newborn baby.

In some respects I’m afraid that he is.

No, I don’t think he is. If what he was before is cancelled out — washed away, then he might just as well come back to us as — oh I don’t know, a South Sea Islander, or a German or a man from Mars or something.

I see your point. I do, really. Ah, here is the tea.

Thank you. So it isn’t that he has lost his memory. He is still who he was. He just doesn’t remember — me. And the children.

He says he doesn’t remember anything at all. Not his childhood. Nor his parents. Nothing.

Yet, Doctor Y, when you say to him, Do you remember your childhood, he says, No, I don’t remember my childhood. He doesn’t say — oh I don’t know, Gobbledegook, or Worra worra worra worra. Oh I wasn’t making a joke, I assure you. I’m very far from making jokes. Oh, God, I know it is stupid to cry.

Mrs. Watkins, would you like to see him again — that is, if he agrees. It might help.

If w ho agrees?

Yes, I do see your point. But don’t you see, I’m as much in the dark as you are. More. You know him well and I don’t. If you talked to him again, let him get used to — and don’t mind my saying this, if you try not to cry …

Doctor, I took his hand, and he’s my husband, remember, and he looked as if — he looked like a man that a woman is flirting with and he’s not sure he likes it.

Look, my dear. I’m going to make a suggestion. You have another cup of tea and a cigarette. Wash your face — there’s a washbasin in there. I’m going to ask him to talk to you again. But don’t come in if you can’t stop yourself crying. Do you understand why? If you are very emotional, it may have the effect of blocking him — try and be easy and relaxed, and things may come back.

I’ll try, doctor.

Well, Charles, I talked to Doctor Y.

Yes.

I like him.

I can see him.

See him?

Some you can’t see at all.

Oh, yes………………………………………………………………………

I didn’t understand that, it’s no good pretending I did. But I want to ask you something. This is hard for me Charles. Please don’t be angry.…

I don’t think I’ve felt anger yet. I haven’t felt. But I can see emotions on your face and on the faces of the doctors and nurses.

But you asked me to go away. What did you feel then?

I felt, not that all over again, not that again.

What?

You asked me what I felt. That is what I felt — if that is feeling. I didn’t want that. I don’t want that, you see.

Now Charles, I’m very calm, and I’m not crying at all. But I want you to look at me, and answer me. When you see me sitting here, am I just the same to you as — oh I don’t know, the nurses, or the doctors?

The same?

I mean, don’t you know me any better?

I know you, I know you very well.

You do —oh, then.…

I know them too. Looking is knowing.

Oh, I see.

You are all very …

Very what?

You are all so — large. Very bright. Very hot and bright.

You press on my eyeballs. You press into my eyes. It is too much.