Noah Cicero - Go to work and do your job. Care for your children. Pay your bills. Obey the law. Buy products.

Gin and Capri looked like they didn’t care about a single thing he said. Alex Guevera looked like he wanted to cry. They were all staring into space, thinking their own thoughts.

Larry said, “Drugs are not part of a diet.”

Tim didn’t respond.

Larry said, “Now it’s your turn, Alex.”

Alex kept fiddling with a pencil in a nervous manner. After he was done fiddling with the pencil he would make paper footballs with paper from his notebook. His whole life seemed like a giant nervous spell. He looked around to make sure it was his turn. He could never quite figure when it was his turn to do something. “I used to use drugs to help me in different situations — Adderall for work, Xanax for sleep, painkillers for pain, you know — but now it’s gotten to the point where I’ll just do anything and everything I can get my hands on at any given moment simply for the sake of getting fucked up and forgetting what a shitty life I live. I know some people would say that I don’t have it that bad but that’s just what some people would say I guess. People say retarded shit, you know? I didn’t start fucking with drugs like coke or molly or heroin until I started chilling with people who fucked with them and I liked them a little I guess, but I still think prescription shit is my favorite. Plus the high is consistent. I use Adderall, Xanax, marijuana, cigarettes and usually some type of painkiller — Promethazine-Codeine syrup and Percocet are my favorites — on a daily basis. Drinking’s not really my thing. My friends and family say that drugs’ll kill me but I honestly feel like…I mean…I know…like…it’s a fact…that if it’s not the drugs it’ll be something else. A car crash, cancer, whatever. And I guess I’d just rather die high to be honest.”

Larry looked at him with confusion and said, “What the hell is Promethazine?”

Gin said, “Yeah, what the hell is that?”

Alex started laughing and said, “Cough syrup. Some people call it lean, sizzurp, purple drank…shit makes you feel like you’re floating in slow motion and shit.”

The residents all began laughing.

Larry didn’t laugh. He responded, “Getting high off cough syrup is dangerous. Responsible people do not get high off of cough syrup. You are in college, you have a bright future ahead of you but instead you are screwing around, ruining it. You are going to end up dropping out and having to work in a dishtank. There are millions of people who would love your opportunity and you’re throwing it away on drugs.”

We all sat there quiet.

Larry said, “Go ahead, Gin.”

Gin sat there for a long time. He would smile for a few seconds and then stop, smile for a few seconds and then stop. Then he finally started talking. “I began using Adderall in college. The first time I used it I felt like I could barely walk because everything was so bright and new-looking. I was in the library working on an essay about the 9/11 conspiracy and I typed eighteen pages in three hours. I got a C- because my professor didn’t believe in the conspiracy. If he just would watch any of the YouTube videos about WTC7…the most-watched result for a search of 9/11 on YouTube is a video that shows that the government definitely blew up both of the main towers. I don’t think the masses can do anything anymore even if the government admitted they helped blow up the buildings. JFK was assassinated by the CIA and I don’t think anything will happen to the CIA or the government at all before they all die. The same will happen with 9/11 and anything else from now on, I think. Maybe if the masses enacted some kind of guerilla warfare and began assassinating high-level officials and made a list of the richest five-hundred people and made it a goal to assassinate all of them, then maybe that could solve something.”

We sat there confused by what he said. What did any of that have to do with drugs?

Larry said, “Okay, enough of the government conspiracies. Gin, you’ll be written up for that. Capri, do you have something to say?”

Capri was a skinny little Italian guy with dark curly hair and sad eyes. Capri bit his fingernails constantly. Sometimes he would chew the nails so far down that he couldn’t bite them, then he would gnaw the skin. I’d had to get him bandages for his bloody fingertips several times.

He didn’t want to be in NEOTAP but like the rest of these middle-class young men, it kind of looked like he didn’t want to be anywhere. Capri said, “I guess doing drugs is a really good way to accent boredom. It’s a really good way to make friends. It’s really difficult to have friends without drugs. Thinking about holding a coherent sober conversation still alarms me. I made friends for the first time in college, and I made these friends because we were all interested in the same brand of fun. Fun involving drugs. Fun involving getting drugs, doing drugs, talking about drugs. When there were no drugs we would drink until drugs were available again. We drank regardless. We drank endlessly. It was fun. People who like drugs always find each other, but I like to think I found the best ones. I haven’t found a drug yet that rids me of anxiety. But there are many that cause me not to care about it. It feels really good. Even the drugs that make me anxious. I like them because I like to challenge myself. Sometimes drugs make work bearable. I went to work at a grocery store during the tail-end of an acid trip once and it was shitty. But now I know that I’m capable of doing it. Doing key-bumps in my car on my cigarette breaks felt like something between recklessness and practicality. It just feels neutral. It feels like maintenance. I’ve always worked really boring, mind-numbing, minimum wage jobs. Of course, they always made me feel anxious. It’s good to have something to look forward to when your shift is over. Some people feed their dog and watch ESPN. Some people play drinking games with their friends and then go to a bar. Some people have sex with their significant other and then check different websites. Some people order Chinese food and read about philosophy. It’s not that these activities are uninteresting to drug users. It’s just…I would prefer to swallow something or smoke something or snort something before doing any of those things. Sometimes being high just feels a lot safer than the alternative. Sometimes being high just feels really comfortable.”

I sat there and listened to Capri. It wasn’t my life but I could see how someone else might view drugs as something that gives life meaning. I wanted to tell them they were nice people, and praise their honesty, but that was not how counseling at NEOTAP worked.

Monica and I were sitting outside Starbucks, drinking lattes. The sky was a nice pleasant shade of blue. Little white clouds dangled in the sky. The leaves were changing colors. Cars kept passing by.

“Lawrence lives nearby. We should go see him,” Monica said.

“Why? He’s insane.”

“He might know why people are disappearing.”

“He’s only a shift supervisor,” I said.

“He has the authority to pass out meds.”

“Yeah, but passing out meds doesn’t mean he knows why people are disappearing.”

“We should go see him anyway,” she said.

“Should we call him before we go over?”

“No, let’s surprise him.”

“He is totally a work douche.”

“Oh god, I know. He came up to me the other day and said, ‘I’m so proud to be working for NEOTAP. Sometimes when I wake up, I just can’t wait to be here.’”

“What did you say?”

“Sounds good, Lawrence.”

“What did he say?”

“Nothing, he just walked away smiling.”

“So why do you want to visit him?”