Kingsley Amis - Dear Illusion - Selected Stories

NOLAN: Yes, even that — sir. There’s not just the one key to it, but two. The first is the man; well, the British army knows about him and how to train him. The second is the horse, and the British army needs a lesson or two about how to train a horse.

MORRIS: You mentioned leadership, Lew.

NOLAN: That comes later.

CECIL: When we talked before, Captain Nolan, you mentioned kindness as the basis of your system.

NOLAN: That’s it, my lord. A horse should never be punished or startled, but shown he can trust the man on his back. I’ll see if I can find you a copy of my book, Nolan’s System for Training Cavalry Horses , it’s all in there.

MORRIS: I’m afraid Nolan is something of a fanatic on the subject, my lord.

NOLAN: Ah, to hell, you’re as bad yourself, Ivor.

MORRIS: All right, I may be pretty bad, but I have to admit in all honesty that my lads in the 17th are second to none as cavalry soldiers, and even some of the Hussars are pretty fair.

NOLAN: Oh, they’re not all hopeless.

CECIL: You think they’ll give a fair account of themselves against the Russians?

MORRIS: I think so, my lord, yes.

NOLAN: If they get the chance.

CECIL: M’m. I hope you’re right.

We are in the same place but time has passed. All three men are slightly foxed.

CECIL: I think one more glass, don’t you? Well, no doubt we could go on about horses all night, but I didn’t invite the two of you along here just for that. Let me put it briefly. Now perhaps Lew Nolan has told you, Captain Morris, I concern myself greatly with the activities of Russia in the Near East. I scent a grave threat to our interests there and further afield. This affair now in the Black Sea, it may prove to be no more than a skirmish, a preparation for something larger. There’s a devilish crafty fellow in St Petersburg called Count Rogachev whom I don’t care for the sound of one little bit. Very powerful in an underhand way and a deadly enemy of England and jealous of our possessions overseas. I see in him a grave danger to our country.

MORRIS: Lew and I promise to throw this Count Rogachev into the Black Sea as soon as we set eyes on him, my lord, but what can we do meanwhile?

CECIL: I’m sorry, I think I was a little carried away. What the two of you can do for me meanwhile, my dear Morris, is to compile a report for my eyes only on the fighting qualities of our troops — morale, state of training, whatever may signify. They haven’t fought a serious war for forty years — how would they resist a powerful and determined foe? You’ve told me something already; I need to know more. Will you do it?

NOLAN: We’ll do all we can, sir.

CECIL: As it comes to you, nothing fancy. The telegraph would be quickest, but you’d have to resort to code.

NOLAN: We’ll find a way, my lord, never fear.

Sequence 2 — St Petersburg

We are in a reception room in a palace. Men and women are chattering and laughing, eating snacks and drinking. JOSEPH, a dignified butler, is supervising the serving of drinks .

JOSEPH: A glass of champagne, my lady? Your excellency?

EXCELLENCY: Thank you, Joseph. Always on hand when you’re wanted, eh?

JOSEPH: ( In undertone to SERGEI, waiter ) Two champagnes, Sergei, quick. And a napkin.

SERGEI: ( Nervous ) Yes, Mr Joseph.

EXCELLENCY: Splendid stuff. Yes, my dear, I always say it’s a blessing the French can’t fight half as well as they make champagne.

LADY: They fought well enough under Bonaparte.

EXCELLENCY: Until our Russian lads broke their spirit. Before you were born, Tania. I was just a young subaltern then. Yes, and Wellington finished Bonaparte off at Waterloo. I doubt if any British army could manage such a thing today.

LADY: Have you visited the Crimea yourself, uncle?

EXCELLENCY: Not as yet. I hope to go in a week or so…

COUNT 1: Well, as for our armies in the Crimea, they have only to wait for the British and the French to die of cold and fever and thorough incompetence, especially at the top. Their Lord Raglan and the others are drunk from morning to night.

COUNT 2: As I see it, Prince Menschikov need only hold firm and use his guns whenever he can. Our Russian artillery will settle things, as always.

COUNT 3: Allies? The flower of England, France, Turkey and Sardinia, if you please. A pitiful polyglot rabble, sir.

ROGACHEV: ( Calling imperiously ) Joseph, over here.

JOSEPH: ( Calling ) At once, my lord count. ( To SERGEI) Come, Sergei — when Count Rogachev calls, you move fast.

ROGACHEV: Yes, colonel, I think this news makes the prospects for our little scheme look quite encouraging. ( To JOSEPH) Some vodka for the colonel. No, just soda water for me.

JOSEPH: Here we are, sir. ( To SERGEI) Some vodka for the colonel… Oh, bless my soul.

ROGACHEV: Joseph, if you’ve got a moment…

JOSEPH: ( Gamely ) Of course, your honour.

ROGACHEV:… just find my secretary, would you, and tell him to start assembling the select company straight away in the small parlour. And Joseph.

JOSEPH: Yes, my lord.

ROGACHEV: Of course we shall need refreshing there too, you know.

JOSEPH: Of course, your honour, I understand. ( To SERGEI) Get those glasses changed at once, they’re filthy.

SERGEI: Yes, Mr Joseph.

Fade down and up to small parlour. Half a dozen men are talking in low tones , ROGACHEV comes in and all fall silent.

ROGACHEV: Most honoured, your royal highness.

PRINCE: My dear Rogachev, I wouldn’t have missed it for anything.

ROGACHEV: That’s kind of you, sir. Well…

All sit.

ROGACHEV: Thank you all for leaving the party to come along here. I’ll keep you away for as short a time as I possibly can. In fact I have only two points to bring before you for the moment. The first is that I’m now in possession of what I think is conclusive evidence of the low state of training and the very poor morale of the British forces fighting — if that is the word — in the Crimean peninsula. That’s more important than—

GENERAL: Count Rogachev, may I put in a word here?

ROGACHEV: Please, let’s hear your views, general.

GENERAL: Thank you. Well, fighting is certainly the word for what the English infantry were doing on the 20th of last month at the battle of the River Alma.

VOICES: Oh, that. Yes, we’ve heard a lot about that. Oh, the Alma.

GENERAL: Yes, the Alma. Those men showed not merely courage but blind courage in the way they went on advancing over the river and up those slopes in the face of withering fire from our guns, roundshot, grape and canister. They fell in masses but they kept advancing. Does that indicate very poor morale? Count Rogachev?

ROGACHEV: No more, general? Thank you. Accounts of that engagement seem to vary. Major?

MAJOR: My information is that the ‘heroism’ of the British has been somewhat exaggerated and misinterpreted. We should not forget—

ROGACHEV: The British so-called heroism is something of a myth called into being by way of excuse for the incompetence and timidity of our own commanders.

GENERAL: Nonsense, they’re both fine soldiers. I’ve served with ’em.

ROGACHEV: It’s touching, isn’t it, the way the army always stands together, no matter what. If I may just finish this point, the state of an army’s infantry is a far less telling indicator than that of its cavalry, who are likely to be a little less brutish by nature. Of course I speak myself as a cavalry soldier…

VOICES: Quite right. Of course. Hear hear. About time too.

ROGACHEV: Thank you. And — the British cavalry is in such a state, despite its fine uniforms, that their generals dare not use it, it seems. Major.