Kingsley Amis - Dear Illusion - Selected Stories

‘So you can imagine how I felt when Leo told me about the arrangement he’d had with JC and it was exactly the same as mine, so exactly the same that I could tell what he was going to say next and I could have said the ends of his sentences with him, word for word. So my special understanding hadn’t been special after all, I’d just been hearing about another of the same and if there was one then why not half a dozen or a million others? A standard contract, you see, maybe different in inessentials but the same in essentials; anyone with the correct set of genes will do to accept it, so I wasn’t special after all either. But I wanted to think I was special, not because I was Daniel Davidson but because I was me, I was unique, I was an individual. But I’d just found out I wasn’t an — I’ve said it already. So what was I?

‘But Leo was delighted. It was what he’d been hoping for from the beginning, what he’d meant when he said he hadn’t come all this way just to compare notes with me. For Leo, it was a kind of final proof of God’s greatness, that in the universe he made there could be two or more things that were unique and identical at the same time. But God as I see him could never be as great as that, because he’s bound by the laws of reason.’

Daniel looked into Ruth’s face and saw in it hope, trust and fear, and lowered his gaze. He went on at the same even pace.

‘There was an old Church saying that God would never let a Christian soul escape from him. It might wander to the ends of creation, but he would bring it back to him with a mere twitch on the thread. Whoever came up with that was probably thinking of something like a fishing-line, but to me God’s thread has turned out to be the sort that controls the movements of a puppet. But whatever happens I’ll always be grateful to him, because he sent me you.’

Ruth was crying. ‘I wish I could believe,’ she said.

‘So do I, my love. Now what do you say to both of us going down to the kitchen and making some fresh tea?’

‘I say yes.’

‘Thank you for not saying anything while I was maundering on.’

‘Daniel, you and I know it wasn’t maundering.’

‘Sorry.’

‘At any rate, now I know why Leo went off in such a rush.’

‘He had a lot to get back for. And his trip had served its purpose.’

Some weeks later, Daniel was saying to Greg Macdonald, ‘You mean you do want another piece from me, is that what you’re saying?’

‘Well, yes, of course, I’d like to see anything you write, Daniel.’

‘Ah, but excuse me, excuse me, but that’s not quite the same thing, is it? You might like to see something I’d written, perhaps you would, and then again perhaps you wouldn’t, but I was talking about me writing something for the paper . How about that, eh?’

‘Okay, fine, fine with me, but what subject were you thinking of?’

‘Listen, I’m a great believer in never doing a single stroke of work, however small, until either I’ve been paid for it or unless I’ve been promised payment, and thinking of a subject is work, right? As soon as you commission me, I’ll make a start on thinking of a subject, as soon as you commission me.’

‘All right then, Daniel. A piece of the usual length at the usual rates. Good.’

‘What about an advance?’

After almost no hesitation Macdonald brought out his wallet, and after only a little more hesitation took from it a twenty pound note. Daniel soon put down the glass he had been holding and had also been glancing at from time to time with great seriousness. This done, he set about ceremoniously stowing away his advance in his own wallet, but halfway through this operation the note slipped from his fingers and sideslipped to the floor. First holding up a hand to forestall any intervention from Macdonald, he retrieved the note successfully enough but not at all speedily. The performance drew laughter from near by, only a little but sufficient to cause Daniel to go and remonstrate with a group at the bar that included the urchin-like assistant editor and the stately astrologer. They were soon joined by the landlord of the Sussex, and then almost at once Daniel strolled back to where Macdonald stood, glancing condescendingly from side to side as he came.

‘This place has gone down a lot,’ he said.

Whatever hope Macdonald might have had of a word or two of thanks for somebody’s generosity with money could clearly be abandoned. He said with a bright smile, ‘Any first thoughts on a subject?’

Daniel, whose expression had grown abstracted in the past few seconds, frowned a little. ‘M’m?’ he asked with some impatience.

‘You know, for your piece. Any ideas?’

‘Oh for Christ’s sake,’ said Daniel, still with impatience rather than anger, ‘what are you burbling about? All this… If you’ve got anything to say why don’t you say it out in the open, for Christ’s sake.’

‘I was just wondering if there was anything special you felt like writing about for the paper.’

‘Oh, that.’ Now Daniel sounded contemptuous. Having said as much, he seemed at rather a loss, but soon rallied. ‘If you’re hoping for something about something like thoughts on stopping being a bloody parson, you’re wrong.’

‘I wasn’t—’

‘For one thing, you can’t ever stop being a bloody parson once you are one. It’s called being ordained. Ha! You’re it for life, er, old boy, and I’m not going to write about that. For one thing,’ he explained, ‘it would be… bad form. I told the bishop so. Too private, I told him. Now let’s have the same again. My turn.’

Daniel gave a grunt of pleased surprise at finding he had a twenty-pound note about him. His mood changed when the barman turned out to be reluctant to serve him. The landlord reappeared. Macdonald went out into the passage and activated the telephone there.

‘Ruth?’ he said a moment later. ‘It’s Mac. Yeah, in the Sussex. No, I didn’t, he just came walking in here just a few minutes ago. Yes, I’m afraid he is. Not so far, but I’d say any moment. Okay now, I’ll hang on till you get here. Ah, not at all.’

On his way back, Macdonald heard a confused shouting from the bar.

Note: Further information about identical or monozygotic twins can be found in Twins , by Peter Watson (Hutchinson, 1981), among other places. I have selected from Watson’s account of pairs of such twins who have been separated soon after birth and brought up apart. Further details of the male twins Leo describes (James Lewis and James Springer, born in Piqua, Ohio, USA in 1939) and of the female twins (Irene Reid and Jeanette Hamilton, born in UK in 1944) are given on pp. 9–11 and pp. 49–52 of Twins.

A research group to study the subject was set up under Professor Thomas Bouchard at the University of Minnesota in 1971.

I

Adrian Hollies was a literary agent, which is to say he was a director of a prosperous firm of such, Parkes & Richards Ltd of Princess Square, WC2. One afternoon in early May he was sitting in his office in their offices talking to a well-known senior client of the firm, the novelist Jack Brownlow. Or rather Brownlow, enjoying the advantage of his valued seniority, was mostly talking to Adrian. In fact at the moment he was asking him one of those questions that no successful literary agent really enjoys being asked.

‘What’s your honest opinion, Adrian? I mean, I take it you have read the whole thing.’

‘Of course, Jack. Well, for what it’s worth, I think it shows you at the top of your form. Er, that is the character of Tom and his extraordinary relationship with Sonia, not to speak of the affair with Amanda, especially the part where they all find themselves—’