Mary Gaitskill - The Mare

“Who?”

“The person who had her before. Not the abuser, the one before that. She was a girl about your age. She had a little body, big eyes, and curly black hair. The only time I saw her, she was feeding the horse an apple.”

“Where is the girl now?”

“Her parents live up in Pine Bush. I guess they don’t feel like making the drive to see the horse. The poor kid probably doesn’t even know where she is.”

We worked quietly for a while. Then I said, “Miss Pat, what happened to that boy who was here?”

“Oh,” she said, “Joseph? I had a talk with him too, and it didn’t go so well, so, welp — we deported him for a few weeks.”

—

When I got back to the house, Ginger asked me what happened, and when I told her, she said we should eat out to celebrate. I asked if we could have dinner at the pizza place we went to once before and she said yes.

I wanted to go there because the last time seemed like a long time ago and I wanted to feel how different things were now. Because of that, I noticed things more. I noticed how the boy behind the counter tried to do everything right, how he asked people what they wanted like he really cared a lot. People were like that here; I saw it before. But now it was annoying me. Do you want it like this? Do you want a little more like that? Then we sat down and I saw there was an African-American girl about my age with a white family. I tried to get her to look at me, but she wouldn’t. The white mother was smiling and passing the girl food, but the white kids weren’t really talking to her and the air around her was alone. I thought, She is here like me; she came up on the later bus. And suddenly I didn’t want to be there. My pizza came, broccoli and bacon like I had it before. But even though it was good and I ate it, I couldn’t taste it all the way. I felt like one of my arms and one leg and half my head was there at the table and the other half — I didn’t know where it was. Which didn’t make sense. I should’ve felt good.

When we got back to the house it was barely light, but I had to go see my horse. The moon was big and it made the path to the barn shiny. Inside the barn was dark, but I wasn’t scared; I could hear and feel the horses around me, recognizing me. I could hear Fugly Girl kicking her stall like she was mad as hell. I heard her kick before, but tonight was different: Tonight she kicked like she hated everything. Like there was nothing else.

“Hey,” I said. “It’s me.”

She kicked harder, even more hating, and also something else, something I could feel coming out from my own body, coming hard. I CAN’T GET OUT I CAN’T GET OUT LET ME OUT I NEED TO GET OUT I CAN’T GET OUT. The other horses made noises: We hear.

I’m sorry, I thought. I want to, but I can’t.

She whinnied and spun in a circle, and bucked, her jerking darkness like my mother’s fists when she was so mad she’d walk up and down just beating at the air. The hate had gone out of her. Now it was just the something else. It was just me in the dark and her hard, jumping body making pain in the air.

I CAN’T GET OUT. I thought of the girl who looked like me who would never see her horse again. I thought of lying in the bed in the foster home where they put us that time my mom beat me with a belt and it got infected and I showed the social worker and they took us, me to a place in New York and Dante to New Jersey. I NEED TO GET OUT. I lay on the bed in the dark listening to girls laughing at me because I threw up the lady’s dinner as soon as I ate it. Cars came by outside and lit up the poster of Destiny’s Child on the wall. The smell of air freshener was making me want to vomit again. But I didn’t and I didn’t cry either. Because half of me was there and the other half was nowhere and you can’t cry in nowhere.

Fugly Girl was quiet now. I could smell her sweat and feel her heavy breath. She was listening to me crying. They all were.

When I walked back it was all the way dark and there were noises from frogs and crickets. But the path was still lit enough for me to walk on. Ginger was waiting for me on the porch. She said to come inside and get ready to sleep. I asked her if she would sing to me. And later that night she did.

I heard it from our bedroom, Ginger’s singing. My heart sank a little and first I thought, Oh no, not again. But her voice was so sweet I thought, Paul, don’t be this way. And I came out in the hall to hear her. But when I understood her words, my heart sank again; it was too sad: Hush-a-bye, don’t you cry. Go to sleep, my little baby. When you wake, you shall have cake. And all the pretty little horses.

On my last day, Pat said she would have a surprise for me if I did a super-good job on my stalls. And I did. I worked really hard, mostly knowing I wouldn’t be back for a long time, maybe not ever. It was only me and Gare that day and I even didn’t mind her because she was quiet when Beth and Retard weren’t around. I almost liked her a little because her eyes weren’t fake nice, even when Pat told her to hand me the mucking fork and she did. She just looked at me the same way the fork touched my hand.

And then it was the end of the day and Pat said to me all normal: “So, you want to help me groom Fugly Girl?” And I said, “Yeah,” as normal as I could. And she told Gare to go clean up Officer Murphy’s stall, which was always the nastiest because he was a draft horse and made huge poops. And then she took me down and she handed me the halter. “Here,” she said. “You try putting it on her.” She opened Fugly’s stall and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. Because all of a sudden my horse looked different, like she didn’t even know me.

I went to put the halter on; she moved away from me. I tried again; she turned her body. “No,” said Pat. “Not so direct with this horse.”

I said, “What do you mean?”

She made us step outside the stall and half closed the door. She said, “The way you’re coming right at her, looking right in her eye? It’s like you’re saying, I’m the biggest B here, and we’re gonna do it my way or not at all.”

I said, “But I don’t mean it that way.”

She said, “I know that, and the other horses know that. But you’ve got a powerful eye, did you know that?”

I looked down. “My mom tells me to stop looking at her sometimes.”

“I’ll bet she does! You have got a powerful eye. And this horse can get nervous. You look at her like that, she might decide to turn and kick you into your next life. You want to deal with her, put your head down and talk to her soft. Like she’s a kitten. So she knows you won’t hurt her.”

“But she knows I won’t hurt her. She lets me touch her.”

“She lets you touch her when there’s a door between you and her. That’s different.”

I understood. We went back in the stall, and I did like Pat said. Fugly Girl stood quiet for me this time, but when I went to put the halter on, she jerked away.

“Head-shy,” said Pat. “Remember, that’s where she got hurt. Be kind, but be in charge. ”

I touched Fugly’s neck and then rubbed it and waited till I felt her muscle relax. I slipped my arm around her nose and guided it down. She followed me. I put the halter on and Pat clipped on the lead rope. She handed it to me and asked if I wanted to lead her. I did; I felt her through the rope. I felt her giant heart with thorns wrapped around it like Jesus in the picture, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. Fugly Girl in the stall was not the same as Fugly Girl out, with me holding the rope. She was scared, scared like broke to pieces, but she was other things, too, big things. I held her. Pat got her on the cross-ties fast, reminding me to stay close to the horse so that if she kicked, the damage would be small. Fugly Girl pawed with her foot and move sideways. Pat said, “Knock it off!” I put my hand on the horse. I noticed her eye was looking at me, thinking, not sure. I tried to tell her it was sure. Pat gave me the round curry comb. I rubbed the thick muscles of Fugly Girl’s shoulders, working on the dirty knots in her coat. Her skin got softer as I brushed. I thought of the song Ginger sang to me. Fugly Girl pawed and moved sideways again. “Did I ever tell you about Scorpio?” asked Pat. “The first horse I bonded with?”