Emily Mitchell - Viral - Stories

New York City is not the capital of New York State, although it is the tallest city. There is some dispute about whether it is largest in terms of population, since many of its denizens have been shown conclusively to have several different lives and personalities, each of which they inhabit for part of every day. This makes them difficult to get to know on all but the most superficial level.

Regardless of this, New York City is truly a world city, replete with grand avenues, skyscrapers and beautifully maintained city parks. It contains a multitude of artistic and cultural institutions and other tourist sites. These include the famous Statue, which stands guard over the harbor, raising her reading glasses in her left hand to peruse the great book clasped in her right. What is written on the stone pages of this book has been read only by a handful of workers and restorers, as it is impossible to see either from below or from the platform on the brim of the Statue’s bowler hat to which visitors can ascend by means of an interior staircase. These workers say that the pages of the book contain lists of slurs aimed at every race and ethnicity that has ever come to this most polyglot of cities, ranging from the thoroughly archaic to the most contemporary. The city fathers were not aware of this when the Statue went up (it was a gift from abroad), and by then it was too late. Periodically, a citizens’ group will protest publicly that the book’s contents go against the spirit of the city and should be erased, but someone else always counters that it would be wrong to destroy a famous work of art by altering it so drastically. The argument goes on until everyone gets tired or distracted by some more urgent problem. Because all groups are insulted with equal virulence in the pages of the book, no particular faction has been motivated to mount a sustained campaign to have the offending matter removed.

Make sure you see the Statue, along with the nearby Museum of Imaginary Art, world-famous for its absence of exhibits, and the zoo.

New Yorkers are brash in public, but they are gentler in their private lives. You’ll find the homes of New York are frequently decorated with mirrors in unlikely places. Some people attribute this to unusually high local levels of vanity, but really it is because people in New York tend to live in small houses and apartments, and mirrors make their rooms look bigger.

Recently there have been numerous cases of haunted mirrors in New York, and this has caused problems for the police as well as for residents. A typical haunted mirror appears normal until it is hung on a wall and then the surface shifts, warps, and becomes a reflection not of the room or person physically opposite it but of the place the viewer really wishes to be. This can be a disturbing thing to learn about yourself or about your spouse, and a number of apparently happy marriages have been damaged or destroyed by haunted mirrors. The attorney who led the class-action suit against the manufacturers said in her briefing to the press: “You think that your husband is content at home, and you discover he’d rather be trapped in a factory that manufactures beads with a woman he once sat next to on an airplane. My clients and I consider that this forced disclosure of subconscious desires causes undue pain and suffering to the victims and, in many cases, significant loss of income.”

The police have been instrumental in disturbing the chain of supply for the haunted mirrors, though some residents feel they could be doing more.

The official state vermin of New York rotates biannually between the greater glowering cockroach and the egg rat, which can be distinguished by its blue webbed feet.

CAR RENTAL

Once you leave New York, we suggest you rent a car, even if you do not usually like to drive. You will find that driving in America is quite different than it is in other places in the world. In most countries, the roads are narrow, badly paved or steep. Driving requires skill, practice and concentration.

But in America, the landscape has been redesigned so people can slide through it seamlessly inside their cars. When you get behind the steering wheel, you feel as though you have finally arrived at your intended destination. In America, it is not driving that is difficult. It is finding a way to stop.

PENNSYLVANIA

Pennsylvania is the softest state in the Union. It is a good place to continue with your journey.

Early in its history, when it was still a colony, Pennsylvania passed an ordinance outlawing sharp corners for the good of the citizens. As a result, the craftsmen of Pennsylvania pioneered a style of furniture making that came to be known as “Rustic Curvature” for its solid forms and smooth, undulating lines. In recent years, reproductions of these designs have been enjoying a renewed popularity.

The no-corner rule meant that Pennsylvania never became a center of industry like many of its neighbors but instead has remained indebted to agriculture for much of its economic base. The statute has never been removed from the books, though today it is rarely enforced.

In Pennsylvania, the mountains are shaped like breasts. This is not discussed by most people or taught in the public schools. The culture of the rural western half of the state tends to be conservative and also to exhibit a great love of birds, fried foods and small boxes. People there are friendly and belligerent at the same time, which is an unusual combination. Good friends greet each other by pretending they are going to punch the other, then drawing back at the last moment. For first-time visitors, this custom can be unnerving. If someone seems like they’re about to punch you during your time in Pennsylvania do not be alarmed; it just means they consider you a friend.

Pennsylvania is an old state and therefore a sad one. More than two hundred years ago, it was vivisected so it could be made into farms. The houses peel paint, and the little towns, knotted around crossroads, seem often to have forgotten what they wanted to say next. We recommend that you stay in Pennsylvania for only a few days, even if you will be in America for several months, because after that the sadness can begin to diffuse through your skin. If you stay longer, you may find yourself taking photographs of derelict buildings or disused machinery. Or you may start to feel an urge to write a letter to a former lover who left you several years ago, suddenly and without explanation, to tell him about an old harvester you found rusting in the corner of a field. You may feel compelled to write to him because who else would understand how beautiful it is, with the bird’s nest where the driver’s seat once was and the wheels netted in with weeds?

If this occurs, it means that Pennsylvania has seeped inside you surreptitiously, and it is time to leave.

The official motto of the state of Pennsylvania is: “When in doubt, breathe, but not through your mouth.”

VERMONT

Once a year the people of Vermont all go out of their houses and shout “Chimney Witch, Be Gone!” at the top of their lungs. This occurs in early November and is the best time of the year to visit. The tradition originated in the French Acadian culture, which filtered down from the territory that is now Quebec into the state’s remote but beautiful Northeast Kingdom. According to legend, the Chimney Witch squats in the chimneys of unsuspecting householders and prevents St. Nicholas from entering the dwelling unless she is given notice to get out before the first frost. This is the only time that Vermonters shout in public and all of them do it simultaneously at 4:00 p.m. on the first Wednesday of the month. A witty local writer commented, apropos of this practice, that in left-wing Vermont even the evil spirits are given almost two months’ notice before they are evicted from their abodes.