Josep Maria de Sagarra - Private Life

“I am writing these lines to console myself a bit. To remember that at twenty I wasn’t an entirely stupid girl, and I knew how to capture all the mortified adoration in the gaze of a sick man.”

“When my husband died, I put on an act. I didn’t know you could produce tears without feeling anything. But I realized it was possible. The funereal faces of everyone around me, in addition to my own nervous exhaustion, made it easy for me to behave accordingly. I cried, I cried a lot, but it was entirely artificial. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel great tenderness toward my husband. But I would also be lying if I tried to pretend that I wasn’t hoping for him to die. What I don’t understand is why I wanted it so badly, if in the end it didn’t solve anything for me. As long as my husband was alive, his gaze kept me company, it even satisfied my ego to discover I was useful and to offer that poor sick man consolation. Once he was dead, even that was gone. I confess that when they carried him off, it seemed as if they were removing a bad dream from my heart. But years later, I must also confess that I missed that bad dream.”

“I was never beautiful. I was never one of those women men find exciting. I don’t want to kid myself. I’m certain of this. In my youth, I had enough intuition and enough presence of mind to realize it. Since my husband died, I have had thousands of opportunities to realize that my material fortune was of no little consequence, much more than my natural endowments. By twenty-five I was a widow and completely free. My mother was dead and I held one of the most brilliant positions in Barcelona. In those days, I had an obsession. I thought no one liked me, and I made every effort, I even humiliated myself, to be nice to people. But I could see it was all for nothing. They would show kindness in many different ways, they would flatter me to excess, but it all seemed fake to me. Now that I’m sixty years old, I think maybe I was imagining things. It’s possible someone might have fallen in love with me in all good faith, if I hadn’t been so standoffish with men when the time came for a tête-à-tête , and even more so if I hadn’t been the victim of that peculiar melancholy that obliged me to distance myself from people. Now that I’m looking back with a cool head, the air I adopted seems frankly stupid. Not that what was happening to me at that point was my fault. Since my first marriage had been a disaster, I didn’t want to expose myself to a second. In those days I couldn’t help but think that my great fortune was sufficient for any man to have faked the most vivid love without a second thought. I don’t think I was so mistaken about this. Despite the opinion of most of my friends, I am rather gullible; even now anyone can take me in. Nowadays, naturally, I couldn’t care less, because I have nothing to lose, but at age twenty-five I had more than enough reasons to be mistrustful and to be protective of my own innocence. Since I had started to know myself a bit, I was afraid that if I allowed myself to risk being deceived, they would almost certainly deceive me. And this was why, on the one hand, I made such an effort to be nice and to conquer the dislike I believed I inspired in others, and on the other, if I started a conversation with a man, I did my best to avoid any insinuations.”

“Now there are times when I think that all the pains I took in those days were quite unwarranted, and perhaps I might have done better to let myself be deceived. And other times I think exactly the opposite, and I believe I behaved perfectly, because, living alone as I have, with such independence, I have been able to see the word and take advantage of opportunities that I probably wouldn’t have had if I had married. Still, one thing or the other, it’s all the same, because I’m sixty now and there’s nothing I can do about it. I find it very idiotic when people spend so much time worrying about the things they’ve left behind and the mistakes they’ve made. I think things turned out this way because this was the only way they could turn out, and that maybe my reasons for not marrying are entirely different, and have nothing to do with the way I explain things to myself.”

“It’s strange, though. By the time I was thirty I had completely abandoned the idea of a new marriage. I’ve had plenty of opportunities to do what a number of my friends of mine have done, but I’ve resisted. Maybe I’ve been cold, but I’ve always felt that unless there is real love, the other part is disgusting. As for real love, I doubt I’ve inspired it in anyone. If I haven’t done what so many other women have done, I don’t think it was out of any moral scruples; I think I could have overcome all kinds of scruples, because in other respects I haven’t had any at all. That’s just the way it was, and clearly this is how my life was supposed to turn out. I have it on good authority that all kinds of lies are told about me. People don’t believe that a person as free as I am, who has always done whatever she wanted, who has traveled half the world and not been religious or a prude, has denied herself the pleasure of sleeping with a man. Everyone who thinks this about me is mistaken: I haven’t known any other man than my poor husband, and I can even swear that I knew him very little, almost not at all. A few friends and a few books have explained to me what love in its most secret intimacies is like. I can affirm that I know nothing of all this: I am almost as innocent as a child before puberty.”

“Nor has any religious idea been behind this. Because I believe in the religion my mother taught me, but I have never wanted to give it much thought. I am certain that if I started to think too hard about it I would end up losing my faith; the faith I have today is just as weak as it was when I was twenty. I have kept it this way all my life. Perhaps my chastity has allowed me to continue going to confession twice a year. I have very little love lost for priests, and if I had found myself under compulsion to tell them certain things, it’s possible I would have stopped practicing. Since I’ve never done anyone a bad turn, my confessions are very brief, and I make it a point to find a priest who doesn’t know me and will make quick work of it.”

“Not all the things I have accomplished in this world have been exclusively out of vanity. I know that vanity is my worst defect, but I feel that I have often invested my actions with generosity and even idealism. If my life has any grace at all it is in not having succumbed to the routine of the majority of women of my class. I know people have considered me a snob. Maybe there is some truth in it: maybe I have been a slave to fashion. But I like to think that I have been sincere much more often. And, above all, that my actions have obeyed a natural impulse. Perhaps the circumstances of my life and the freedom I have always enjoyed have helped me be exactly who I am.”

“What interested me were books and traveling and people with a certain spirit, just as what interested me in fashion and human relations were their most ephemeral charms and their most sensitive details. In my home I have sought to arrange things so that an intelligent person can find corners on which to rest his eyes. And I have sought out the conversation and company of these intelligent people, just as I confess that I have sought out the company of people who are no less brilliant for having been the worst idiots in the futile life of our country. There have been times when I have not wanted anyone to get the better of me, which has left me open to accusations of being an eccentric or even a madwoman, and even of being what I have never been: an unnatural woman.”

“I believe that a woman who is not very feminine has no place in the world. It is true that in one essential sense of life I haven’t been at all feminine: I mean I have not been a mother. But in all the other ways, externally, spectacularly, I have wanted to be more feminine and more exigent than the rest. I have looked at myself in the mirror many times, and I know perfectly well how to separate beauty from elegance. Perhaps it is also my particular sin of vanity to believe that elegance is more important than beauty.”