Hanif Kureishi - Collected Stories

‘I’ve never known a doctor to be short of money.’

Bodger’s voice squeaked. ‘You’re arrogant! I haven’t had time to go to the bank. Are you still sure you want to get out?’

‘If I can’t get away by Saturday I’m going to go insane!’

‘All right, all right!’

‘What about by Friday morning?’ Rocco put his mouth close to Bodger’s ear and whispered. ‘When I’m gone, she’s all yours. If you knew how I’ve been praising you!’

‘Have you?’

‘Oh yes. She likes men. A lot of women do.’

‘Yes?’

‘But they keep it to themselves — for fear of encouraging the wrong sort.’

Bodger couldn’t help believing him.

‘You don’t look well,’ said Vance as Bodger came into the restaurant. ‘Shall I call a doctor?’

‘I thought I’d see the enterprise culture at work,’ shouted Bodger over the music, removing his bicycle clips and putting his hands over his ears. ‘Without conversation, clearly. What, er, are you up to?’

‘Creating work, satisfying demand, succeeding.’

‘Lend me £300, will you, Vance? No, £400.’

Vance put his arm around him.

‘The place next door is for sale. Come and look. I’m thinking of buying it and knocking through. Put the kitchen in there. More tables here.’ While Bodger looked around the almost empty restaurant Vance spoke to a waitress. ‘Better food, too.’ The waitress returned; Vance put the money on the table with his hand on top of it. ‘If it’s for Rocco you can forget it.’

‘What if it is? That would be none of your business!’

‘I won’t let you lend money to any sad sack.’

Bodger waved his arms. ‘It is for him! But no one tells me what to do!’

‘Shhh … People are eating.’

Feather, who was writing her journal at the next table, started laughing.

Bodger said, ‘Don’t be inhumane. You think you’re letting people be independent, but really you’re just letting them down. How can it be wrong to help others?’

‘But I’m all for charity. Is Rocco going away?’ Bodger nodded. ‘Without her?’

‘At first.’

‘The bastard’s doing a runner. With my money! He’s going to leave her behind. You’ll get stuck with her.’

‘Will I?’

Vance regarded him beadily. ‘You want her?’ Bodger gulped. ‘Do you?’

‘I would love her.’

‘I can’t guarantee to lay on love, but she’ll sleep with you.’

‘Are you certain? Did she mention it?’

‘She’d do it with anyone. Haven’t you asked her yet?’

‘Asked?’ Bodger was shivering. ‘Once I’d said it … if she said yes, I’d be too excited, you know, to do anything. I sort of imagine that there are, out there, people who know how to ask for everything they want. They’re not afraid of being rejected or laughed at, or of being so nervous that they can’t even speak. But I’m not one of them.’

‘You’ll soon get sick of Lisa. She’ll be so expensive to run. Can’t imagine her working. High ideals and no prospects. Your great friend Rocco is making you an idiot.’

‘I’ll make him promise to take her with him.’

‘Promise! In a year you’ll run into him in London doing your Christmas shopping, and he’ll be with another woman saying this time it’s true love.’

Bodger put his head in his hands.

Vance said at last, ‘You’re a good man and people respect you. But this is weakness.’ He passed the money over. ‘There’s one condition. Lisa goes with him. If she doesn’t, I’ll kick his backside into the sea.’

Next day, a Thursday, Karen closed a part of the restaurant and held a small party for her son’s birthday. When Rocco and Lisa arrived Vance was giving the boy his present.

‘He’s going to be a businessman,’ Vance told Bodger. ‘But not in this country.’

‘What’s wrong with this country?’

Vance was looking across at Rocco and Lisa.

‘That woman doesn’t know she is about to be betrayed, does she? Or have you spoken to him?’

‘Not yet.’

Vance told the waitress to give them drinks and then said, ‘Sometimes I look around and think I’m the only person working in England — keeping everyone else alive, paying ridiculous taxes. Maybe I’ll just give up too, chuck it all in, and sit in the pub.’

‘Someone’s got to run the pub, Vance.’

‘You’re exactly right.’

Rocco was greeting people; he smiled unctuously at Vance. They shook hands. Then Rocco guided Bodger into a quiet corner.

‘Tomorrow is Friday.’ He was biting his nails. ‘Did you get me the loan?’

‘Some of it. I’ll get the rest later.’

‘Thank God!’

‘No, thank me.’

‘Yes, yes. You’ve saved me.’

Bodger said, ‘Look at Lisa! How could you go anywhere without those shoulders?’

‘We owe so much money here, we can’t leave. And where will we both stay in London? I’ve got friends, but I can’t impose her on people. How come you’ve suddenly got a problem with our agreement? Have you been talking to someone? It’s Vance, isn’t it? I thought you had a mind of your own.’

Bodger blurted out, ‘Take her with you, or I’ll give you no more money.’

‘Don’t you know how to love a friend?’

‘Don’t you know how to love Lisa?’

Karen came over with her son. ‘Am I interrupting? Rocco, look at this.’

She made the boy show Rocco his essays and drawings. ‘Excellents’ and ‘very goods’ danced before Rocco’s eyes. Karen remarked in the posh voice she adopted on these occasions. ‘They push them hard at private schools.’

‘I know,’ said Rocco. ‘I am hoping, in the next few years, to make a partial recovery.’

He wanted his freedom; he didn’t want Lisa. If he stayed the bills would mount up. He would get more frustrated. Other people wanted you to live lives as miserable as theirs. This they considered moral behaviour.

He thought of the moment the train would pull away and how he would open a bottle of beer to celebrate. Of course, when Lisa did get to London he would have to squirm and lie to get rid of her: as if everyone didn’t lie at times, as if the lie were not protecting something, the integrity of a life. Lying was an underrated and necessary competence.

From across the room Lisa felt Moon’s eyes on her. She wanted to go with him to the beach. And then she felt she had no control over herself. Her desire made her want to leave Rocco. He would protest, of course. He needed her more than he acknowledged. But she would make plans secretly, and then announce them. It was time to get away.

Moon and Rocco nodded at one another and went outside to try some weed Moon had been growing using a new method involving human shit. Moon was intending to set up as a dealer, and move to London. He was awaiting Rocco’s opinion.

Rocco’s bloodshot eyes had closed. Then he started chuckling. Moon nodded confidentially. ‘Cool, cool.’ But after a time Rocco was clucking, and his head started to thrash as he reacted to some welling disturbance or internal storm. He started looking at people with a wild, frightened disposition, as if he feared they would attack him, his guffaws became shriller until he sounded like a small dog. He tried to get up from the table but his legs would not obey him and his right arm started jumping about on the table. Bodger was so alarmed that he and a frightened Moon led Rocco downstairs, supporting his head from behind while Feather held a glass against his teeth, and water spilled onto his chest.

Lisa was clutching the back of the chair, afraid she would fall, terrified that Moon had told Rocco about them.