Andrew Ervin - Extraordinary Renditions

“Fuck you,” Brutus said. He was in no mood and would have liked nothing more than to punch the asshole in the nose just to see what it would look like. “Maybe the devil should bless me instead. What do you think of that?”

“Ex-excuse me?” The other gangly rednecks in line turned around and recited their prayers while digging through their WWJD folders for the pertinent literature to hand out to devil worshippers. They used cheat sheets to find the appropriate Bible passages, but because they didn’t have exact reading material for practicing Satanists, they struggled to improvise something while Brutus suppressed his desire to piledrive someone onto the dirty floor. Amid the commotion he pushed his way to the front of the line and handed over a stack of bills. The woman behind the counter thumbed them out one at a time while another of the kids made the mistake of tapping Brutus on the shoulder. “Can we talk? According to Romans 8:37—”

“Son, leave me the fuck alone.”

The drone of the hurdy-gurdy sounded like five lapdogs fighting in a tin box. The moneychanger moved on to the first of her infrared anti-counterfeit scans and someone tapped Brutus on the shoulder again. He turned around this time and with both hands grabbed the nearest godboy by his starched white collar. He barreled him through the swinging glass doors and body-slammed him full force onto the ground of the underpass. Then he walked back up to the teller, ignored the fright in her eyes, and immediately collected his forints. Nobody said shit to him after that.

Hurting all over, but finally with some paper in his pocket, he needed to find a place to crash for the night. A well-cologned man brushed past him and whispered under his breath, “Change money?” but Brutus didn’t acknowledge him. The hum of activity receded as he climbed a long ramp up to street level, as if the station’s noise had existed for him alone and stopped entirely once he was gone.

The taxi had passed a hotel — that would be his first stop. The sidewalk squirmed with people, most of whom wore red-and-green paper hats. The ribbon the cabbie had given him was gone. It hit him: it was Independence Day, the anniversary of one of Hungary’s aborted revolutions. The army traditionally didn’t acknowledge the holidays of their so-called “host nations,” much less celebrate them, but Magda had told him about it. No nation on Earth boasted as many Independence Days as Hungary, and today was one of them. The Ides of March.

He opened the map again. Eve and Adam’s was about three long city blocks down the körút, right before the bridge. Even amid the mayhem of public celebration, he had zero chance of keeping out of sight. He was too conspicuous. People stared at him openly and without shame. His face had to be a mess and there was blood splattered all over his jacket. The cold felt good and kept him more clearheaded than he expected.

Upon closer inspection, Budapest wasn’t all that different from Philly. The buildings were older and the cars smaller, but the shop windows looked pretty much the same. There were bookstores and pizza places with chicks in skintight skirts just like in Old City. Budapest was equally dirty, that was for sure. Graffiti everywhere, the car-exhaust stink, fast-food bags blowing around like crippled birds. The only real difference was that everyone was white. It was like being at the opera. And the weather disoriented him. If the sun still existed, it was hiding behind a canopy of pollution and the densest clouds Brutus had ever seen. It looked like it could start pissing down rain or snow or sleet any second. If you didn’t like the weather, just wait five minutes. But that was true every place he’d ever been.

He stopped in front of a record store to check out his reflection in the window but couldn’t make himself out. The lump on his forehead still welded his eye closed and touching it even gingerly sent a spark down his neck. He didn’t want to deal with any Hungarian jibber-jabber, so instead of picking up some food at the little grocery store he continued to the hotel, where a monkey-suited bellhop stood out front trying to light a cigarette in the wind. He refused to even look at Brutus, who went inside to book a room and establish a base camp for the day’s business.

The lobby smelled vaguely sweet, like a bakery, and the place was a whole lot more luxurious than the outside made it appear. A door on the other side of the lobby led to some kind of beauty parlor. The ugly bitch behind the desk looked at him like he had shit stuck between his front teeth.

“Can I get a room?”

She smiled and sneered simultaneously, and spoke with a vaguely British accent. “How many nights?”

“Just one … no, make it two.”

“May I have your passport, please?”

“I don’t have my passport. I was just robbed.”

“I’m sorry. In that case it’s quite impossible to—”

“Listen, lady. I’m an American soldier and I can pay in cash. Up front if you want. But I need a room.”

He unfolded his new wad of Hungarian money and that shut her up. The bill came to over three hundred American a night. Maybe more. It was steep but fuck it. He was desperate. She was no doubt skimming a piece off the top for herself. That was the way it worked in this part of the world. He couldn’t even blame her, really.

“Fill this out.” She slid a sign-in form and pen across the counter. “Do you need some help with your bags?”

“I don’t have any … any bags.”

She placed an electronic key card in front of him. “You are in room 422. Enjoy your stay.”

Enjoy this.

As good as it would’ve felt to go upstairs and throw some water on his face, maybe rest his eyes for a second, he decided against it. He was liable to sleep for fourteen hours. It was better to take care of business first. His stomach grumbled despite the pain; his next stop would be for some chow. And a change of clothes was in order. He had some extras in the duffel bag but he didn’t want to go back for them just yet. He put the hotel key card in his inside pocket and went back out to the street. So many keys.

He had gotten sweaty in the lobby and this time the cold air outside bit right through him. He didn’t like the idea of breaking out that “I’m an American” garbage, but with all the bullshit he had to put up with every day from his own fucking country he might as well reap some of the benefits once in a while. Fast food — that other thing he hated about America but sometimes there was no getting around it. He sure as fuck wasn’t going to some Hungarian restaurant to have a Gypsy come to his table with a violin to badger him for money, and then get ripped off on the bill because he didn’t know the language or the exchange rate. A block before the river, he got to the bright yellow McDonald’s he had passed in the taxi. The manager came around from the back and watched Brutus while the girl took his order. She didn’t speak English, but he got the message across. He asked for a cup of coffee and three cheeseburgers. When his food arrived, Brutus sat down to eat and every single person in the place watched him like he was an exotic specimen on display at the Please Hassle Museum. A middle-aged man walked by and didn’t even attempt to conceal his fascination and Brutus finally lost it. “Fucking problem?” he yelled, spitting bits of cheeseburger at him. “This some fucking zoo?” The man averted his eyes and disappeared. A couple teenagers somewhere behind Brutus made jungle noises. The coffee was still hot enough to scald his tongue, but he gulped it down and went to the men’s room to see what kind of shape he was in.

The damage wasn’t as bad as he had thought. The real pain, he knew, would soak into his muscles and bones overnight. His mouth ached like a motherfucker and two teeth were definitely chipped. To his surprise, none were missing or even loose. He washed the dried blood off his mouth and from around his eyes, then took a long piss. The laughter and commotion stopped when he came out.