Jonathan Coe - Number 11

Danielle was not in the camp. She was lying with Pete in a clearing, about fifty yards away. They were both flat on their backs, staring up at the stars through the canopy of trees. Danielle’s face, as so often, was without expression. Pete looked bored and restless.

‘Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude,’ said Val.

‘That’s all right,’ he said, sitting up. ‘Did you want a word?’

‘Yes — with Danielle, actually.’

‘No probs,’ he said. ‘I need a dump anyway.’

He got up and left. Val squatted down beside Danielle, and said: ‘Hello, lovey. I didn’t break up a romantic moment, did I?’

Danielle inclined her perfect head a few degrees. ‘Don’t worry. No chance of romance with him, as far as I’m concerned. He’s a tosser. We were only doing it because the director keeps telling us to look more romantic with each other.’

Val nodded, not really knowing what to say to this. She was surprised to hear that they had been getting instructions from the ‘director’. She didn’t even know that there was such a person.

‘What did you want anyway?’ Danielle asked.

‘It’s about the washing-up.’

Danielle turned away from her again, and looked blankly up at the sky. ‘Yeah? What about it?’

‘I just came to say … I’m sorry if I was a bit rude to you. You’re not angry, are you?’

‘You didn’t show me much respect in front of the others,’ Danielle said, pouting. ‘I know I’m younger than you, but, you know, I think I deserve to be treated in a certain way …’

‘I was respectful, actually,’ said Val. ‘I mean, I could have said, “Oh, come on, you lazy cow, when are you going to start pulling your weight around here?” Couldn’t I? But I would never talk to you like that.’

‘I suppose …’ said Danielle. She was softening.

‘I mean, we’ve all got to do our bit, that’s all, if we’re going to get through the next couple of weeks. “We’re all in this together,” as our beloved Mr Osborne would say.’

‘Who?’

‘George Osborne. The Chancellor of the Exchequer?’ Danielle’s face showed no comprehension, and Val could not stop herself from laughing. ‘Oh, Danielle, you really are the limit. What planet do you live on? Eh? Don’t you ever read the newspapers?’

‘I don’t have time.’

‘You should make time. Everyone should know what’s going on in the world.’

‘I work hard, you know. I’m in the gym at six thirty every day. And then all day, I’m either on a shoot or in a recording studio.’

‘Recording studio?’

‘Yeah. I’m a singer. That’s what I really want to be. I’m making a record at the moment, but, you know, it takes a long time to get the notes right and everything. I haven’t been trained, or anything like that.’

‘Do you play an instrument?’

‘I can play “Yellow Submarine” on the guitar. You know, the Beatles’ old song.’

Val felt a sudden wave of tenderness towards her. She looked so young; and not just young but lonely, and vulnerable.

‘Bet you miss all that at the moment, don’t you?’

‘I miss everything ,’ said Danielle. ‘It’s horrible in here. They keep making me do tasks with Pete and everything because they’ve sold lots of stories to the magazines about our big romance, but we can’t stand each other. I don’t like any of the people in here. They’re all old and boring. I want to go home. I miss my Mom and Dad. I miss my sister. And the one I miss the most — the one I really miss — is Caesar. Our boxer dog.’

‘Oh, I know, love,’ said Val, putting a sympathetic hand to her shoulder. ‘I heard about that. Your Mom told me just before I came in. It’s awful, isn’t it, when a pet dies. I had a cat called Byron, and when he passed away —’

‘What?’ said Danielle, sitting up and staring at her. ‘What are you talking about?’

Val put her hand to her mouth. ‘Oh my God. You didn’t know.’

‘Has something happened to Caesar? What’s happened to him? Tell me! ’

After that, Val had no choice but to break the news to her, and, as soon as she heard it, Danielle burst into tears. She sobbed in Val’s arms for a few minutes, and Val dabbed at her eyes with a tissue, which was soon soaked through.

‘Sorry — I’ve spoiled your Kleenex,’ was the first thing Danielle said, when she was able to talk again.

‘Never mind — I’ll go and get some more,’ said Val. She gave what she hoped was a comforting laugh, trying to lighten the mood. ‘There’s plenty more where that came from.’

As she set off on this errand, she threw one glance back, and saw that Danielle was gazing after her, her face not quite as blank as usual. Her baby blue eyes were now limpid pools of sadness, her lovely young face streaked with tears.

*

‘ Shit ,’ said Alison. ‘ SHIT! Mum, you fucking idiot — what are you playing at? What did you go and do that for?’

She sat forward on the sofa, gripping the remote control so tightly that it might have cracked in her hand. Panic seized her; her breathing accelerated rapidly; she was starting to hyperventilate. Not wishing to listen to the show’s closing theme tune, she muted the TV, rose to her feet and began to pace the room, doing her best to slow down her breaths. On the screen, telephone numbers for voting off the different contestants scrolled by silently. Finally Alison paused in front of the television, turned it off, put her head in her hands and said to herself, one more time: ‘Oh Mum, why did you have to do that?’

It had been bad enough watching her mother perform the trial, having to put that huge creature into her mouth and hold it there while everyone around her stood watching and laughing. She knew that Val was afraid of every kind of insect. The terror and revulsion had been written all over her face, but as far as the programme makers (and, Alison supposed, the viewers) were concerned, that just made the whole thing funnier. But then, after that, at the end of the programme … the conversation between her mother and Danielle: how had that happened? What the hell was going on there?

Val had spoken a little sharply to Danielle after dinner. She had asked her to help with the washing-up, and pointed out that she didn’t do much work around the camp generally. Danielle had looked offended, and had wandered off to lie down with Pete, at some distance from the camp. Then a few minutes later, Val had interrupted them, apparently with a view to renewing her complaint. The conversation as broadcast had gone like this:

VAL: I didn’t break up a romantic moment, did I?

DANIELLE: Don’t worry. What did you want anyway?

VAL: It’s about the washing-up.

DANIELLE: Yeah? What about it? You didn’t show me much respect in front of the others. I know I’m younger than you, but, you know, I think I deserve to be treated in a certain way …

VAL: Oh, come on, you lazy cow, when are you going to start pulling your weight around here?

( Close-up on Danielle’s face, shocked .)

VAL: What planet do you live on? Eh?

( Another close-up on Danielle, who now bursts into tears. Val immediately walks off .)

VAL: ( glancing back, laughing ) There’s plenty more where that came from.

( Close-up on Danielle gazing after her, her face streaked with tears .)

*

Alison didn’t dare check on Twitter that night. She went straight to bed, and after lying awake for an hour or two, wondering what demon could have possessed her mother out there in the Australian jungle, provoking such an outburst of rudeness and casual cruelty, she fell at last into a fitful sleep. But it didn’t last long. She was awake by six o’clock, and after making herself a double-strength cup of instant coffee, she fired up her laptop.