Emma Unsworth - Animals

‘There’s one!’ I shouted, spotting a space.

We got closer and the painted yellow wheelchair became visible on the tarmac. ‘Typical.’ Tyler hauled the car down the next row. ‘Disabled people get all the luck.’

We eventually parked, car parks away, and walked back to the wedding store across row after row, Tyler with her shades on even though it wasn’t sunny, rubbing her nose and walking in the way of moving cars out of spite.

Inside the store, a sales assistant caught sight of us over the rails of dresses.

‘That woman’s looking at me,’ Tyler whispered. ‘She’s looking at me.’

‘She’s a shop assistant,’ I said. ‘Eye contact is part of her training.’

‘You’re going to have to deal with this.’

The woman came over. ‘Are you looking for anything in particular?’

‘Something quick,’ I said.

She smiled uncertainly. ‘Well, see if anything takes your fancy and you can try it on upstairs. I can get you ladies some fizz, if you like?’

Tyler brightened at this, took her sunglasses off, and gave the shop assistant a broad smile. ‘Come on, Princess Bride,’ she said, tugging my sleeve. We snatched a few random dresses and went upstairs. Tyler sat down on a red velvet chair and picked up a newspaper from a curved plastic coffee table. I dumped two dresses on the chair next to her, went into a changing room, slid the curtain across and started taking off my clothes. I could hear Tyler drumming her fingers to the beat of the William Tell overture on the table. Like I said, educated .

The dress was too small and I couldn’t zip it up over my boobs. I held the top part over my bra and slid open the curtain a little way. The sales assistant was walking towards us across the store, carrying a tray with two wine flutes on it.

‘Now remember,’ she said when she got close, ‘we offer a full alterations service. We don’t expect anything to fit right at first.’

I nodded and looked at Tyler. ‘So what do you think?’

Tyler made a baffled pig-face.

‘Try and imagine it without my body in it.’

Tyler frowned. I looked at the sales assistant. At the wine. At Tyler. At the wine. The sales assistant said: ‘Would you ladies like your fizz while you deliberate?’

‘YES,’ we said.

She handed us a glass each and took the tray away. I took my drink into the changing room while I put on the next dress, which this time fitted around the top but not the hips. I waddled out to see Tyler halfway through the paper.

‘There’s another Austrian girl been held hostage by her father in a basement,’ she said and patted her nose, winced. ‘I’m such a loser.’

‘Now now,’ I said, ‘it’s all relative.’

She didn’t look up. The top of her head was a dark vortex. ‘Well, it’s all rela tives if you’re Austrian… ’

‘What about this dress?’

‘Oh, it’s awful.’

‘Great. I’ve only got one left to try then we’ve got to go and choose some more.’

‘Fuck me,’ she said, folding up the paper. ‘What a thoroughly intolerable process. We should have brought some mandy along for this. Seriously. It’s sending me under.’

She clicked her fingers. The sales assistant, over by the stairs, jerked her head and started to walk over.

‘Tyler!’ I said. ‘Do not — I cannot believe you just—’

I retreated and hid inside the cubicle, listening to Tyler saying, ‘Look, we’re going to be spending an obscene amount of money in here ( Pretty Woman ) so be a doll and go get that bottle of Asti Martini, would you?’

‘It’s Hardy’s.’

‘No shit.’

When I emerged in the next dress, Tyler stood up and proffered me a full flute. She circled me, trailing the fabric with her free hand. ‘Yes, okay,’ she said. ‘So this is a lesson I suppose in terms of What We Don’t Want… ’

I looked at the bottle on the table and saw half of it was gone. I necked my flute and held it out for her to refill.

‘You know what this needs to be?’ Tyler said, waggling her finger up and down the length of me.

‘What?’

‘RED.’

‘Look around you, Tyler. It’s wall-to-wall white in here. It’s like John and Yoko never moved out.’

‘Now there’s a cool couple.’

‘A cool married couple.’

‘Don’t start.’

I’d been batting back with a list of modish marrieds every time she fronted me with the ‘marriage just isn’t cool ’ line of argument. Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter. Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer. Tom Waits and Kathleen. Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis (even though they’d split up). Now I could add John and Yoko.

Tyler looked unconvinced. ‘Uh oh,’ she said, ‘here comes the cavalry.’

The sales assistant was walking towards us with an armful of dresses, followed by another assistant freighted with netting and frills. ‘I’m sure there’ll be something you like here!’ the sales assistant said brightly, which translated as You’d Better Fucking Buy Something After Having So Much Wine.

There wasn’t anything I liked — but that didn’t stop us taking our time with the next onslaught of options whilst working our way through another bottle of sparkling something or other. Soon, Tyler was trying on dresses, too — dresses that, predictably, all looked much better on her.

I stared at myself in the full-length mirror. ‘I look like I’m in fancy dress.’

‘Now you’re talking,’ said Tyler, wine sloshing from her flute onto her collarbone as she almost tripped over the train of the dress she was wearing — a pearlised number with puff sleeves. ‘Hey, that’s what you should do! You should be a ZOMBIE BRIDE. I’ll do your facial lesions. There are tutorials online… ’

The sales assistant appeared by the cubicles. ‘Anything you ladies like?’ she said, looking at me.

‘Another one of those, please,’ said Tyler. She’d put the empty wine bottle upside down in a vase of silver twigs.

The woman began: ‘I’m sorry but… ’

‘Fuck’s sake,’ Tyler said, hitching up her dress and waddling into the cubicle. She reemerged after a few seconds proffering a crumpled tenner.

‘I’m afraid you don’t understand,’ the sales assistant whispered. ‘ This isn’t a bar .’

‘If it were a bar it would be a very shit one,’ Tyler said. ‘I would give it one beer mat out of a possible ten and that would be for the free parking.’

The sales assistant looked at me.

‘Okay,’ I said, channelling my mum, ‘I’m going to go away and have a little think. Tyler, take some photos of me before we leave.’

I paraded a few ill-fitting monstrosities around the fitting area while Tyler clumsily snapped away with her phone. ‘Send one of those to Jim, would you?’ I said afterwards, one leg in my jeans, trying not to fall against the closed curtain. ‘The most flattering one, if such a thing exists. Just so he thinks I’m doing something pro-active.’

‘I don’t have his number stored.’

‘Oh.’

‘What’s he wearing for the wedding, anyway?’

‘Probably just one of his work suits.’

‘So why are you making all this effort?’

I took a breath. ‘You know, it tears me up when you and Jim do this.’

‘Do what?’

A hotel bar in the Lake District. Me, Jim and Tyler on our first and only holiday together. Jim and I had only been together a few months but I knew it was serious enough to warrant an introduction to my best friend. We should all go away together! I thought. Somewhere clean. The Lakes seemed like a good choice. I booked us two rooms at The View by Ullswater, and Jim drove us there in his new hatchback.