Elizabeth McKenzie - The Portable Veblen

“Okay, Mom. That’s private . Better?”

“Yes. It’s very important, and it’s also important to avoid hackneyed phrases, especially snide ones, which sound very déclassé.”

Veblen pressed on. “We have things in common with his family and they seem really nice.”

“A nice family counts for a lot, but it’s not the be-all and end-all. What do you tell him about me?”

She could hear her mother scratch her scalp, raking dead skin under her nails. “Good stuff. You’re hard to sum up. That’s why we have to meet.”

“I don’t know, Veblen. Nobody likes me when they meet me.”

Veblen replied faithfully, “No, not true.”

“Historically it’s quite true. Especially doctors. Doctors abhor me because I don’t kowtow to them.”

“He won’t be your doctor, he’ll be your son-in-law.”

“I’ve never met a doctor who didn’t wear the mantle of the doctor everywhere.”

Veblen shook her head. “But he’s in research, it’s different.”

From bracing them in defense since girlhood, her guts were robust, her tolerance for adversity high. By clearly emphasizing all that was lacking in others, by mapping and raising to an art form the catalog of their flaws, Veblen’s mother had inversely punched out a template for an ideal human being, and it was the unspoken assumption that Veblen would aspire to this template with all her might.

“It’s very interesting that you’ve chosen to marry a physician,” her mother noted, with the overly crisp diction she employed when feeling cornered.

“There are a lot of physicians in the world,” Veblen said.

“We’re not paying for a big wedding. It’s a complete waste.”

“Of course I know that.”

“He’ll expect one if he’s a doctor. They’re ambitious and full of themselves!”

“There’s only one answer to this — to come visit right away,” Veblen pressed.

“He’ll have a field day, spinning all kinds of theories about me.”

“This is happy news, Mom! Would you please cool it?”

“What does Albertine think of all this? I suppose you’ve told Albertine all about it?”

“No, I haven’t told anybody, I already said that.”

In the background she could hear Linus consoling.

“Linus is asking me to calm down,” Melanie said. “He wants to check my blood pressure. Who will you invite?”

“To the wedding? We haven’t thought about it yet!”

“We have no friends, which is humiliating.”

Why was it suddenly humiliating, after years of hiding away from everybody? Veblen watched a single hawk circling just below the clouds.

Linus’s voice came on the line. “Your mother’s face is flushed and her heart is racing.”

“A little excitement won’t hurt.”

“I need both hands now, I’m going to say good-bye. You’ll come see us soon?”

“We’ll come soon,” said Veblen.

• • •

SHE WASHED DOWN tabs of Vivactil and citalopram. The coffee was piping hot. She twisted a clump of her hair. What was that list again? Muckrakers, carousers, the sweet-toothed, the lion-hearted?

Sometimes when Veblen had a deadline for a translation she couldn’t tell anyone she had a deadline because it was work she wasn’t paid for, and furthermore, it wasn’t a real deadline, it was a self-imposed deadline. What kind of deadline was that? Could Paul appreciate her deadlines? It would mean a lot to her if he could.

Paul didn’t know she took antidepressants, but she also didn’t talk about what toothpaste or deodorant she used (Colgate and Tom’s).

And he didn’t realize she hadn’t graduated from college either. That embarrassed her, and was probably something he should find out soon. It simply hadn’t come up. Since when you marry you are offering yourself as a commodity, maybe it was time to clear up details of her product description . Healthy thirty-year-old woman with no college degree. Caveat emptor.

In spite of her cheerfulness in the presence of others, one could see this woman had gone through something that had left its mark. Sometimes her reactions seemed to happen in slow motion, like old, calloused manatees moving through murky water. At least, that’s how she’d once tried to explain it to the psychiatrist who dispensed her medications. Sometimes she wondered if she had some kind of processing disorder. Or maybe it was just a defense mechanism. One could see she was bruised by all the dodging that comes of the furtive meeting of one’s needs.

• • •

FOR SEVERAL YEARS before meeting Paul, Veblen had steered clear of romantic entanglements, haunted by runaway emotions and a few sad breakups in the past. “No one will ever understand me!” she often cried when feeling sorry for herself. Sometimes it was all she could do not to bite her arm until her jaw ached, and take note of how long the teeth marks showed. She had made false assumptions in those early experiences, such as that love meant becoming inseparable, and a few suitors came and went, none of them ready for all-out fusion. She began to realize she hadn’t been looking for a love affair, but rather a human safe house from her mother. A legitimate excuse to be busy with someone else. An all-loving being who would ever after uphold her as did the earth beneath her feet.

She came to recognize her weaknesses through these trial-and-error relationships, and lament that she had them. In a tug-of-war of want and postponement she continued with her deeply romantic beliefs, living in a state of wistful anticipation for life to become as wonderful as she was sure, someday, it would.

Veblen’s best friend since sixth grade, Albertine Brooks, smart and training as a Jungian analyst in San Francisco, had been alarmed by the sudden onslaught of Paul: Veblen, she felt, had unprocessed shadows, splitting issues, and would be prone to animus projections and primordial fantasies with destructive consequences. But Veblen only laughed.

Over the years, they had discussed, almost scientifically, the intimate details of their romances — for Veblen starting with Luke Hartley in the back of the school bus returning from a field trip to the state capitol. Sure, he’d paid heaps of attention as they marched through the legislative chambers, standing close and gazing raptly at her hair, even plucking out a leaf. Sure, he asked her to sit with him on the bus. Yet it wasn’t until the last second, when he touched her, that she believed he might have feelings for her. She told Albertine about his milky-tasting tongue and roaming, hamsterlike hands, and then Albertine prepared her for the next step, of unzipping his pants. And with Albertine’s pragmatic voice in her ear, that’s what she attempted next time she and Luke were making out on the athletic field after school. A difficult grab under his weight, shearing her skin on the metal teeth — as she grasped his zipper he pushed her away and groaned, “Too late.”

Too late? Wow. You had to do it really fast or a guy didn’t want anything to do with you. She pulled away, staring dismally over the grass, a failure at love already.

But Albertine said later, “No, you dummy. He meant he’d already ejaculated!”

“Huh?”

“What were you doing right before?”

“Just rolling on the lawn, kissing.”

“Okay, exactly.”

“You mean—”

“Yes, I mean.”

“Oh! So that’s good?”

“Good enough. It could have been better.”

In that instance, Albertine helped Veblen overcome her habit of assuming fault when someone said something cryptic to her.

“So you think he’s still attracted to me?” she asked.

“Yes, Veblen.”

“Wow. I thought it meant I blew it.”

“He wished you blew it.”