Jenni Fagan - The Panopticon

‘Very funny,’ Shortie says.

‘It is that!’ Tash walks along the shore.

‘Drink — must have drink,’ Isla gestures.

We sit in a row. Tash opens her bag, cracks open a can of Coke and pours half of it out, then she tops the rest back up with Bacardi and hands it to Isla.

‘Madam’s cocktail — we call it the Island Hopper. Ladies?’

‘Please, Mama,’ I say.

‘Okay, truth or dare?’ Shortie says.

‘Truth,’ Tash says.

‘How many men have you had sex with?’

‘Paid or unpaid?’ Tash asks.

‘Uh, is it different, like?’ Shortie asks, confused.

‘Aye, it’s different.’ Tash looks at me and raises her eyebrows.

‘Well, ah dinnae know, I’m not a manky hoor.’

We all stop and look at her.

‘Just all of them then!’ she says, harassed.

‘About nine,’ I kick in before Tash batters Shortie. ‘I was up for about half, two were debatable, two were out-and-out wrong.’

I hear my voice say that, and I realise I am more stoned off those tablets than I thought, and I reckon I’ve taken the same amount of downers as uppers, so I’m just swinging between the two.

‘What, like, you’ve been forced?’ Shortie looks at me.

‘Shortie, are you the naïvist person walking?’

She just looks embarrassed, so I don’t say anything else. Shortie must be the only girl I ever met in care who’s a virgin. Fact.

Tash lights a fag and studies a cloud.

‘You dinnae need to answer,’ Isla says quietly to her. ‘This is a stupid game, let’s play something else.’

‘I umnay embarrassed,’ Tash says.

‘I’ve done one guy, for a wee while, the twins’ dad obviously,’ Isla says. ‘I didnae like it, didnae rate it, wouldnae thank you for it. It wasnae even a particularly manky pole — just no for me.’

‘I couldnae count how many — a lot, though; they like it underage, ay,’ Tash says.

‘That’s true. My adopted ma was always saying the wee lassies were taking all the clients,’ I say.

‘What — was your adopted ma a prozzie?’ Shortie asks.

‘Shortie, you’re the greenest person I ever met! Aye, she was on the game, so’s her pals — that’s what I grew up around, which is probably why I’ve never done it. No offence,’ I say to Tash.

‘None taken. They only pay above average for schoolies if you’re smart, ay. If you urnay, you’ll give it away for a bag of crisps and a bottle of fucking cider, while some prick with a wife manages tae brainwash you intae thinking he’s your boyfriend. Just him, ay, and his forty fucking cousins,’ she spits.

Tash takes Isla’s hand. Isla’s been crying a lot since her wee ones were brought in for a visit.

‘What kind of guys go with prozzies?’ Shortie asks.

‘Every kind. Bankers. Teachers. Builders. Even blokes on the dole save up their money sometimes. One guy paid me two hundred squids tae piss on him,’ Tash says.

‘Where? Tae piss on him where?’ Shortie’s eyes widen.

‘In his mouth, while he wanked his wee maggot off.’

‘I’d piss on someone for two hundred quid!’ Shortie says. She looks so serious. ‘Are you kidding me? I’d take a crap on someone for that!’

We all fall back howling and Shortie totally doesnae get it, and the angrier she looks, the funnier it is.

‘What? Fucking what?’

‘You’re a nut, Shortie,’ Isla says affectionately. ‘I need tae pee but.’

‘I’ll chum you.’

Tash and Isla wander off to the other side of the shrubs.

‘Is Isla okay?’ I say.

‘Noh, she’s not, she’s cutting herself like fuck — have you seen it lately? It’s doing my head in. She should just stop, but she’s all, like, guilt this and guilt that; and the twins. That’s what she cannae handle, Anais, she cannae handle that the twins have it.’

‘How do you handle that? I dunno how I would, she’s still getting counselling, ay?’

‘Aye. But she has tae, cos the twins dinnae need a fucking mum that hates herself as well, ay. What good’s that gonnae be, if she gets them back? Nae good, Anais. And she’s got that fucking ugly thing, you know, when they think they are total ming-bags, body-morphing or body-popping or body-fucking some shite. Now they’re giving her Valis and she’s just stashing them up and popping them en masse. Then the happy pills, then there’s her HIV meds: have you seen how much she takes? She’s worrying me. Seriously.’

‘I wish there was something I could do’

‘There’s not, though, is there? Not fucking nothing. Anyway, how are you? That pig isnae dead yet?’

‘Nope.’

‘Good, we’ve got tae stick together now,’ she says.

The air is thick then. I dinnae say anything, I dinnae look at her, but I dinnae look away, and I can feel it, she wants to say, because I said earlier and she’s probably never heard it said before, but she wants to say now.

‘My old dear wasnae about much. My granda looked after me, ay.’

She kicks her heels into the pebbles.

Tash and Isla walk back. We all huddle up next to each other, looking over the loch.

‘How many have you shagged then, Shortie?’ Tash passes biscuits along.

‘I dinnae ken!’

‘How not?’

Tash takes the biscuit packet back off her. Shortie has about ten biscuits in her lap.

‘You dinnae have tae say anything, Shortie. Shut up, Tash.’

‘What — it’s alright for her tae interrogate everyone?’

Shortie spits and her hands shake. We just sit. Water laps the side of the boat down on the shore and it bobs up and down.

‘I’m gonnae get us enough money for a flat,’ Tash announces. ‘You two can come and stay with us, if you want.’

‘I wish you’d stop. It worries me every time you do it,’ Isla says.

‘Aye, but in six months I’ll have enough money tae rent us a flat when we get out of here. A nice one as well: flash kitchen, widescreen telly, fancy bed-linen. I will get you — anything you want! Anything. There’ll be just you and me and an extra bedroom so the twins can visit, and maybe one for these two radges.’

‘They won’t let the twins visit.’

‘They might.’

‘They won’t.’ Isla drops pebbles through her fingers.

‘You could study, though. Isla wants to study,’ Tash says, all proud and that.

‘What?’ I ask.

‘Child psychology, like, tae work with kids and that, ay. She’d be great at it. Really, Isla, you’d be amazing, you know that. We’ll even get married — I’ll make an honest woman of you, I’ll carry you over the threshold!’

Tash puts her arm around her and squeezes. Isla keeps tugging at her top, cos she doesnae think it’s covering her scars enough. I prop myself up on an elbow.

‘You look hot today, Isla. You suit halternecks, and they shorts. You look like a model, a short model, like — but a model.’

‘Definite,’ Shortie agrees.

Isla flushes and smiles quickly. She stops fidgeting with her top. Tash smiles happily and takes her hand.

A curlew flies up from the other side of the loch. It calls out in a low cry across the water. Most of the boats are sailing towards the top of the loch. There’s another boathouse up there that does drinks for members, or something. There’s a lot more boats on the water now: toppers and big white ones and one with a red and white stripey sail. Some are racing and some just glide along.

‘I could marry youz,’ Shortie exclaims. ‘You know like how you can become a vicar online now and that; you just, I dunno, fill out a form or something. Though I couldnae fill out a form, not with the dyslexia and that. But anyway, I could marry youz — on this here island!’

Shortie’s in earnest and she won’t quit.