Jenni Fagan - The Panopticon

I’ve nothing to say. I keep thinking about when I went up the woods with the squirrel. I unwrapped it tae set it free and it was still alive, just for a minute. Then its brain fell out. Just like that.

‘It is my opinion, Miss Hendricks, that you are going to reoffend. Once you have done so, you will go into a secure unit. And when you get released from there, you will offend again and you will go on — to spend your adult life in prison, which is exactly where you belong, because you, Miss Hendricks, present a considerable danger both to yourself and to all of society.’

‘This is ludicrous, you cannae say things like that tae a kid. I’ve a mind tae fucking report you!’ Angus shoots up again.

‘I’ve a mind tae report you for abusive language, Mr Everlen. Sit back down! Do you understand me, Miss Hendricks? A secure unit is exactly where you belong, despite you convincing people otherwise, and you and I both know it’s where you’re going.’

The Chairwoman sits back. She has a gleam of sweat on her collarbone. She’s underweight. She probably lives on Ryvita, and anger. She looks like she’s never laughed — not even once in her whole life.

I bet she doesnae wank, either. Teresa used tae say you cannae trust folk that dinnae wank. They’re more predisposed tae murder. I’m feeling panicky again. Count each breath. Inhale one, two, three, four, exhale. I used tae count the places I’d lived. In bed at night I’d count each one, and the things I could remember about living there. Things like bad breath, or poppies in a garden. I remember a wee dog that wore a tartan blanket. Countless foster-brothers or sisters going: They’re not your parents, you know . A weird cuckoo clock, a purple settee. A car smelling of custard. The dampness of piss on a carpet. A room without windows or doors.

The Chairwoman is still staring like she expects me to say something, or do something, or she’s just enjoying knowing in all truth — I’m fucked. Aye. Very good. Fuck you too, Your Honour. Fuck you very much.

‘There was no need for that.’ Angus glares at the Chair and the board.

‘Are we done?’ I ask.

‘I will ask you one last time, Miss Hendricks. Do you have anything to say?’

I clear my throat and they all look at me again.

‘Your brother-in-law is in the police force, isn’t he?’ I say to her.

‘Case closed, until next time, Miss Hendricks.’

‘Sorted.’

Walk. Walk while I still can without a tag on my ankle. I’m not up for being trackable 24/7, no way.

I cannae believe I forgot that squirrel. I bet they can tell the difference between squirrel blood and human blood. I bet anything. Maybe my test results will be back soon — the rest of them — and it’ll clear all this fucking shite up. I’ve had enough. I’ve had so much enough that I feel like I’m falling and I cannae bring myself to care.

There’s a play-park down the street. Two kids are on the swings, laughing and kicking their legs out to get higher. Stupid panel. They are stupid as well, and ignorant. They would never fit in, in Paris.

Angus marches out the door, shaking his head. ‘She has a fucking problem,’ he states and opens the battered car door for me.

‘That went well then.’

‘How’d you know her brother-in-law was in the police?’

‘Something PC Craig said.’

‘PC Craig, the policewoman in the coma?’

‘Aye.’

Angus rubs at his head again.

‘I’m gonnae put in a complaint about that. Officially. It’s not on; they can’t talk tae you like that, they cannae act like that. None of this is proven, it’s all hypothetical. And, I’m getting you back in school. You’ve had enough time off.’ He slams his foot down on reverse and screeches the car around. He’s really mad.

‘Okay.’

‘Don’t listen tae what arseholes like that have tae say, Anais. Now dinnae quote me on that — I mean, not the arsehole bit — but they are, fucking idiots. You’re not bad in your bones. I’ve met enough bad people in this life tae know.’

‘Have you read all my files yet, Angus? I have been charged a lot, you know.’

‘That doesnae make you bad, Anais; bored, irritable, angry — maybe. Not bad, though. And aye, I have been reading your files, and I think you should be a lot more fucked up than you seem, after what you’ve been through,’ he says.

‘I am,’ I say quietly.

‘Maybe, but you’ve got something! I’m telling you. I’ve met a thousand kids in homes, and you’re different. You could make something of yourself, you really could. You dinnae need tags and time in secure, or any of that. You could be somebody.’

‘What, first major female drugs baron in Europe?’

‘You’re a clever girl, Anais — I am sure you could put your mind tae something better than that. Don’t you want tae do anything with your life?’

‘I want tae do lots of things.’

‘Like what?’

‘Own a dog.’

‘That’s it, own a dog?’ he asks.

‘I might …’

‘You might what?’

‘Nothing.’

I dinnae say I might paint when I grow up. I dinnae say I’ll learn French, so I can read every book in the main library in Paris one day, including encylopaedias and obscure manuals. I dinnae say I’ll volunteer to help some old lady with her shopping, and her cleaning, and if I’m really fucking lucky she’ll take me under her wing and get tae like me and feed me apple pie and gin — and tell me all her stories about the good old days. Those urnay the things I say.

We stop at the traffic lights. There’s a bunch of girls about my age standing there, but they dinnae look like me. They look young. I turn the music up, sneakers off, feet on the dash. I light a fag and look out the window at one of the girls. She’s got great legs, really slim but nice. She turns around, laughing tae her pal, and her smile is stunning.

‘I’d shag that,’ I say and flick my ash away.

I’M UGLY TODAY. I am sat on a hill staring at the school, and I cannae believe Angus got them to let me come back. It has been four weeks and two days since I got put in the Panopticon. My days were going like this — get up, fuck about, have the odd half-arsed meeting with Helen before she leaves, play cards with Angus, wait until Isla, Tash or Shortie gets back from school, go and get stoned. It was civilised, but Angus had to go and fuck it up.

The school bell clangs and guppies start swarming out the doors like a virus. Faces. Eyes. Elbows. I put on my star-shaped sunglasses and stand up. I got them from the vintage shop this morning. They are total quality. I have to shake these jeans out, so they sit better. I borrowed them off Shortie; they’re baggy, so they hide my tag. If it was on show, the whole school’d be talking about it.

Walk down through the school gates and push in, against the tide of people. They are all heading up the street tae the chippie, or home. I am going to the woods. I get a few hiyas, and glances — a lot of glances actually. I dinnae feel like speaking to anyone.

Last time I got dragged back to school it was by the polis and I was handcuffed — it was just after lunch on a Monday. The entire Home Ec rooms, and the computer rooms, all watched me being marched by. I went into the computer rooms earlier to try to look up the difference between human blood and squirrel blood. It is different. Molecularly. That means if the police say the blood they have from my skirt is human, then I’ll know they are lying. Or the experiment have gone into the labs in the middle of the night and just switched the samples around, ay. Why would they do that? Cos I’m their golden girl, they cannae fucking let me get away. They want to go all the way. Locked door. Square room. One vertebrae. Snapped. I’m gonnae find out what’s happened, if the samples are human blood. If they are. Fuck!