Jenni Fagan - The Panopticon

Check myself out — I look like I didnae try, but still hot. Red-red lips, and my eyes are a wee bit green today; ’s funny how that happens. You always have tae make sure your outfit is immaculately clean, and ironed when you go out, ay. I’d never walk out the door with something shan on. I’d rather die.

My clothes smell nice — every inch is pristine. I shove my sneakers on and head downstairs. Shortie’s probably waiting at the gate already.

‘Hey, Angus.’

‘Anais, are you in for the evening?’

‘Am I under house-arrest?’

‘Of course you’re not under house-arrest, young lady — that’s a bit of a dramatic way tae describe things.’

‘Then I’m going out.’

‘Aye, so you’ll be wanting your Friday outing money?’ he asks.

‘Aye.’

Angus rummages around and pulls out the petty-cash box.

‘Oh, there’s an envelope for you as well.’ He slides it over.

I open it up. It’s the results from the lab woman.

‘They’ve only got half my results here?’

‘You’ll get the rest soon.’

‘Do they not know what the blood is from?’

Angus shakes his head.

‘They want you back down at the station again for questioning. The policewoman’s condition is deteriorating.’

My heart misses a beat.

‘How can you deteriorate when you’re already in a coma?’

‘I’m not sure, they didnae say, Anais. You just need tae really watch yourself right now because if the polis can get you locked up, believe me, they are gonnae.’

‘Is she gonnae die?’

‘We better hope not, and we better hope we can prove you had nothing tae do with it just as soon as possible. We’ll find a way, okay?’

‘Do the polis want tae speak to me tonight?’

‘Not yet, don’t worry, go and have some fun. So, twenty pounds outing money, young lady, sign here for that, please. Where are you going?’

‘I’m going tae the pictures.’

‘Sounds good. What film are you going tae see?’

‘That new one.’

‘The one about the kangaroo?’

Angus scrawls something down on a file.

‘Noh, I’m going to see the one with the girl and the guy,’ I lie.

‘The one with the girl and the guy, I thought it might be that one.’ Angus smiles at me, he looks stoned. ‘Well, just you make sure the guy doesnae step out of line, or I’ll have tae come downtown and knock him out!’

‘Funny.’

‘I’m not being funny, Anais, I am being deadly serious. You have tae have someone tae watch your back, and despite what the police are saying about you being a big bad lassie, I think you’ve nae bad in you at all.’

I feel — shocked. I have never had a member of staff say something like that to me before, and he is just counting my outing money and places it on the table. I sit and look at the religious icons on the office wall.

‘You know, you’re not the only teenager who has ever been entirely alone in the world,’ he says.

‘How? Did you come from care, like?’

‘No, Anais, I came from worse than that — believe me. I’m just saying: dinnae think you’re totally alone, you’re not, alright?’

He hands me the money.

‘Cheers, Angus.’

‘Back by 11 p.m., you have court tomorrow!’ he shouts as the door slams shut.

The twins are running down the hallway — chased by Tash. She’s wearing a bucket on her head and making zombie arms at them. Bethany races by doing a whoop, whoop, whoop, and scalping anyone who comes near her with a ruler.

I slip out the front door before anyone notices. It’s cold outside but it doesnae matter. My legs look skinny in dark tights. This T-shirt is the best, it’s my mostest favourite one ever, The Velvet Underground playing in the Factory. It was a present from Pat. She said she shagged their guitarist, or their bass player, or somebody. I wonder how she’s getting on with her penis-art? Teresa and Pat were best friends for nearly thirty years. How mad is that? I cannae imagine even knowing someone for thirty years, I probably never will. I really need to go and see Pat soon, I cannae keep avoiding it.

Two blackbirds fly past. Fields of grass sway in the breeze and it sounds like waves. I walk fast and scan the fields, and the edges of the forest, but I cannae see John anywhere. He must be freaking out, and he’ll be freezing. This isnae a good time of year to sleep rough.

That was funny Angus saying that, like someone was bothered, like someone would stick up for you. I almost like him — for staff, he isnae that bad.

Get to the gate and the gargoyle is sitting with his back to me, his ears are pointy. I look out and there is no car, not yet, just an empty road. I’ve not even got Shortie’s number to text her and see where she is.

Lean against the gate and light a fag. A bird swoops down low, glides across the fields, it cries out — long and low — and it’s eerie. Look again, not one single car, not yet.

I scuff my feet off the wall and watch the bird soar towards the woods. The Panopticon is creepy from up here, the top bit of the watchtower is a sharp peak in the middle of the building, and below that, inside there’s the surveillance window, and although the experiment like to hang out there, they dinnae need a watchtower cos they can see anywhere, that’s the truth.

A LOW HEAVY bass hums along the road. Fuck, is that Shortie in that motor? It’s an old Seventies car, what a fucking death-trap, it is totally pish. She’s sat up the front with some guy, the other one’s in the back.

‘Get in then.’ She grins.

‘I’m not sitting in the back with him! No offence,’ I say tae the guy.

‘Totally sound, get in the front,’ she says to him and she climbs over the front seat. I jump in the back beside her.

The guy that’s driving passes me back a joint, and the car pulls away, speeding right up to eighty, flying past Joan who’s trundling up in her old VW. We give her a wave. The guy who’s driving is hot, he has the nicest hands I’ve ever seen on a guy. His fingers are kind of square and long. His hands are twice as big as mine. I love it when a guy is tall like that — it makes me feel petite; I am petite, but it makes me feel more so.

‘Anais, that’s Ben, and that’s Craig.’ She nods at the driver.

Shortie flings her arms around the seat in front of her, touching the Ben guy’s hair. He kisses her hand.

‘Alright,’ he says.

‘Alright,’ the Craig guy says.

He’s cute, his wrists are slim — not thin, just perfect. Double-drag on the joint and watch him drive. His hands are like a sculptor’s, not a pianist’s, more like an artist or an artisan.

‘So, where are we going?’ I ask, passing the joint to Shortie.

‘Dunno,’ she shrugs.

‘Where are we going?’ I ask Craig.

‘Poaching,’ he says, turning the tunes up.

‘What?’

‘Poaching!’

‘Poaching fucking what?’ I ask Shortie.

‘Salmon probably. We’ve done it before, ay, it’s a laugh, Anais — you’re gonnae love it.’

‘D’ye no like poaching?’ Ben asks me.

‘I dinnae murder fish for fun, no,’ I say.

‘Anais put a cop in a coma,’ Shortie says.

The two guys look back now, the Ben one’s grinning.

‘So, you’ll put a cop in a coma, but you’ll no kill a fish?’

‘I didnae put a cop in a coma.’

‘She did, she battered her with a kosh — all the kids ken about it in all the units. And she burnt down the last place she was in. She’s been charged one hundred and forty-seven times,’ Shortie says proudly.

‘Have you read my files?’ I ask her.

‘Noh, just eavesdropping on meetings at the office. They’re always talking about you, especially Eric, and Angus, and Joan. Mullet does as well, but he’s not so fascinated. He just fucking hates you.’