Tessa Hadley - The Past

— I’m so sorry, Harriet said, raising her voice above the water’s noise. — I’m so sorry. Forgive me. I misunderstood.

But Pilar was not English, so there was no exchange of apologies, mumbled embarrassment, grudging concession. Her outrage was the goddess’s, implacable. In one scouring lightning flash, Harriet saw everything: all her hopes were a mistake and a sad delusion, her transgression was grotesque. Pilar had flirted with her no doubt, tantalising her, bestowing her favour in kind looks and touches. But between their types — the blessed, beautiful type and the other one — there ought to exist an impassable threshold. It had not occurred to Pilar that Harriet could succumb to the gross error of trying to cross over it.

Harriet fled in her shame to the poor privacy of her changing cubicle, pulling her own pink curtain across behind her. She thought for a long moment that she would freeze there where she stood, shuddering in the cold wet costume clinging to her — it would be a relief if she turned into something wooden and need not move ever again. But then she remembered that she had to drive Pilar home. She must dry herself, pull on her clothes over stiff limbs, start up the car, and sit beside Pilar — who had been, an hour ago, her friend and confidante but now would not speak to her, not ever again, and would never even in the least degree acknowledge that she had herself played some small role in Harriet’s error. It seemed impossible that Harriet could do these things, and yet she knew she must, and that she would. The twenty-minute drive would be her punishment.

And while she was dressing Pilar came from the shower and put on her own clothes. Harriet flinched from the uninhibited indignation on the other side of the thin partition — as unmistakeable as if Pilar had banged on the walls and stamped on the floor. Would Pilar tell Roland what had happened? It seemed likely she would: she might tell everyone. Harriet couldn’t live, she thought, with her brother and sisters knowing what a mistake she’d made, how she was humiliated. Pilar’s closeness in the next cubicle squeezed her until she couldn’t breathe and couldn’t move. Crouching with her face buried in the darkness on her knees, she could only finish dressing when Pilar had gone — without any forgiving word — presumably to wait for her in the hotel reception.

Everyone knew that something had happened. When the two women arrived back it was as if some tail end of a storm came licking into the house with them, through the scullery door which they left open behind them — until it banged shut in the wind. Their not speaking thrust loudly into everyone’s awareness, as their everyday voices wouldn’t have. Pilar went upstairs at once, the scrape of her heels significant on every uncarpeted step and resounding against the bare walls, around the empty rooms: the abrupt intolerant clatter condemned them all, the place and its shabbiness, their pointless way of life inside it. Roland had been talking to Alice in the study, they were falling back into their old friendly way of rambling around whatever subject Alice started up — but he was stopped mid-sentence by some message for him in his wife’s noisy ascent; then he hated the way Alice significantly didn’t look at him, too alert to the sound of trouble. While he followed Pilar upstairs, Alice went to find Harriet, who was standing quite still, holding the kettle under the scullery tap, which she hadn’t turned on.

— We’ve had coffee, Alice said. — Why didn’t you have some at the hotel?

Harriet put down the empty kettle, as if she’d forgotten why she’d picked it up. Her hair was so wet it was plastered to her head, her face was luminous with misery, pale eyes staring so that they seemed almost lidless, like some sea-animal’s.

— What the matter? Alice said. — You ought to dry your hair.

Her sister hauled her voice with weary effort out of the depths of herself. — Nothing at all’s the matter.

— I don’t believe you. Have you two fallen out or something?

— You can believe what you like. Anyway I’m going out.

— Out where? It’s pouring with rain. You’ve only just come in.

— I feel like getting out. It was a mistake, the whole holiday has been a mistake, three weeks is much too long, Alice. I should have trusted my own judgement in the first place.

Harriet said she was going to get her waterproof; Alice heard her hurrying up into her own room, closing the door. There was bustle upstairs, more doors opening and closing, brisk footsteps in the back bedroom, pragmatic voices — Roland’s and Pilar’s, Molly’s. At the end of ten minutes, Roland came down to tell Alice and Fran that he and Pilar and Molly had decided to leave, as the weather was so disappointing. They were going to set off soon, in time to stop for a meal somewhere on the way home. Pilar wasn’t feeling all that well, she was overtired and also something had cropped up at work, she needed to get back. And Molly had said she wanted to go with them. Alice exclaimed that they couldn’t just leave like that. If there was something wrong, couldn’t they sort it out? They ought to all have one last meal together, at least. Fran said she’d shopped for nine, how would they eat it all? Alice wanted to ask Roland what had happened, but when she put her arms around him felt how he held himself fractionally apart from her, as if he could only be in sympathetic communion with one woman at a time.

Then he went upstairs again to pack and meanwhile Harriet slipped out through the kitchen, in her waterproof with the hood drawn up over her head. — Don’t be silly, Alice called after her. — You’ll catch cold if you go out in the rain with that wet hair. Don’t you want to say goodbye to Roland? Did you know they’re leaving?

They heard the scullery door open, and then close again.

— Do you think they quarrelled over politics? Fran wondered.

— Something worse, Alice said.

— Harriet’s driving? She crawls along, it’s just as dangerous as going too fast.

— Or perhaps she spilled something on the white trousers.

The sisters dawdled in the kitchen, drying cups and knives, not knowing how to fill in the uneasy time while they waited for the others to have left. Roland toiled purposefully up and down the stairs, piling up bags and cases in the hall — all that impressive luggage! — and the house seemed tensely suspended between two eras. The children were playing clock patience on the hall floor, right in the way, just where Roland needed to come past; Ivy, dealing out, was grimly sceptical of them ever triumphing. Then when Roland started taking things out to the car, wiping his feet on the mat, propping the scullery door open, an uneasy wind blew everywhere downstairs. There seemed to be nowhere comfortable to sit, and no one wanted tea. — It’s awful being left behind, Alice said. — It’s always more glamorous to be the ones going.

Upstairs, Molly opened the door to Kasim’s room, sidled in and closed it soundlessly behind her. Then she waited with her back to the wall, her hand on the doorknob as if for an easy getaway. Kasim was sitting on the side of his bed with his elbows on his knees, scowling down at his phone, playing a game of Angry Birds. She told him that her dad was leaving, and that she’d said she’d go with him.

— No problem, he said, not looking up. — Have a good trip. Been nice knowing you.

— It’s something to do with Pilar’s work, she has to get back.

— Fair enough.

— I mean, I needn’t go, I could stay here with my aunts for a few more days, they could give me a lift to the station when they leave.

— Up to you.

— But what do you think?

— Makes no difference to me.

They waited. She tightened her hand on the doorknob and began slowly to turn it, making Kasim look up at her at last: she was wearing shorts and a white tee shirt, her long legs and feet were bare, and she was standing balanced on one leg, with the other one tucked up, foot flat to the wall, behind her. She was like a white bird beside a lake, he thought. Her face was faintly swollen from crying.