Gonçalo Tavares - The Neighborhood

“Very well.”

“I just think it’s a pity,” said the Boss, “that my excellent Assistants did not propose three bridges at the outset instead of two. If that had been the case, today we could have announced that expenditure had been reduced to one-third.”

“You’re right, Boss.”

“We failed!” murmured the Assistant, lowering his eyes, ashamed.

2

The following day, however, the Boss had changed his mind.

“For reasons that are part of my inner intellectual core, which I don’t think would be good manners to expose, I have decided that we are not going to build two bridges, nor one. We will build three bridges. Side by side. Or better: side by side by side. Each of them will have traffic in one direction only.”

“How far apart from each other?”

“The exact distance hasn’t yet been decided. I still have to do calculations. These decisions can’t be made before a certain … but I’m aiming at fifty meters. I like the number.”

The Assistant wrote it down in his notepad and underlined it: fifty meters!

“We will maintain the two bridges,” continued the Boss, “each bridge will only have one-way traffic — one in this direction, the other in that direction — and the third bridge will be optional. In the morning, when a large number of cars are entering the capital, the third bridge will only have traffic from the suburbs toward the capital. And, at the end of the day, the direction will be capital — suburbs.”

“Thus,” exclaimed one of the Assistants, trying to contain his emotion, “thus we will always have two bridges open in the direction that is necessary to handle a greater flow of traffic!”

“Exactly,” said the Boss.

“And we will be investing three times more in the modernization of our country than we would have invested with a single bridge!”

“Exactly!”

“And Boss …”

“Yes?”

“Boss!”

The Assistant’s lips were trembling with emotion.

“Boss, Boss!”

“What is it, man!”

“Building three bridges side by side is even more unprecedented than building two.”

“I hadn’t even thought of that.”

“It’s extraordinary!”

About the politicians’ penchant for putting forth numbers (or: about the importance of shoelaces), Mister Kraus said the following: “Any exact number flung at the eyes of an insecure and distracted population produces blindness.

“When they fling a number directly at our faces, we should pretend to be distracted, imitating certain comic actors from silent movies, and seize that exact moment to tie our shoelaces.

“When we finally straighten up again and raise our heads, the number will have already whizzed by, at a high speed, and will thus no longer affect our vision,” continued Mister Kraus.

“If we wait a while, we will even be able to hear the number smashing against a wall into various uneven fragments.

“With our vision intact, we will then be able to witness the lamentable spectacle of the incoherent ruins of what, mere instants ago, had seemed to be an exact, convincing and decisive number.”

Seated at the café, in his usual chair, Mister Kraus wrote some notes in his notebook.

About Political Speeches

One can’t be sure of the size of people’s feet from the size of their shoes.

There are two possibilities: either the feet are smaller than the shoes and the latter exaggerate the truth, or the feet are larger than the shoes and, thus sacrificed, the truth still remains hidden.

The Ineffectiveness of Vitamins

He thinks that vitamins will help infiltrate energy into his thoughts, but most therapeutic products are not creative; they do not invent anything: they merely reinforce preexisting qualities.

Punctuality

Some habits are never abandoned. A good politician will arrive late even for the inauguration of a clock.

Inaugurations

1

The Boss was nervous. He was walking from one side to the other.

“There is nothing to inaugurate, nothing! These men didn’t even make a single chair. There is nothing to inaugurate!”

“Not even a needle, Boss.”

“Not even a needle to inaugurate,” murmured the other Assistant. “Not even a tiny needle!”

“Not even one like this,” insisted the First Assistant, expressively putting his thumb and forefinger together. “Not even one like this! Like this!”

“Nothing!”

It was almost as though the two Assistants had been hypnotized by that monotonous discourse.

“Not even the eye of a needle has been done!”

“Nothing. Not even an eye of a needle.”

“Not even half a needle.”

“Not even half the eye of a needle.”

“Nothing, nothing!”

“Enough!” yelled the Boss. “I can’t stand listening to you any more!”

“We’ll shut up, Boss.”

“I have an idea,” exclaimed the First Assistant, suddenly.

“Bravo!”

“This is my idea: Boss, have you ever been to this unpleasant, freezing, desolate, and from a certain point of view even disgusting place, which is nevertheless so promising?”

“Me? Of course not. Are you crazy?”

“Well, there it is!”

“What is there?!”

“We can inaugurate your presence in that place. It’s the first time the Boss is going there. Isn’t that extraordinary?”

“I’m beginning to like the idea. And it makes sense.”

“Nothing so important will ever happen in that place!”

“Don’t exaggerate,” murmured the Boss, while he almost drowned with contentment in his own chin.

“Perhaps one of us should inaugurate your presence in that place, Boss. What do you think?”

“I myself will inaugurate my presence in that place!!”

“It isn’t easy,” said the two Assistants in unison.

“To inaugurate and to be inaugurated at the same time.”

That was when, vigorously raising his chin toward the sky, the Boss responded, all at once, “I’m a man who likes to face difficulties head-on.”

And, in fact, he was.

2

“Boss, everything that occupies volume has already been inaugurated in this blessed land where we have ended up!”

Once again they were disheartened. They looked around them: everything had already been inaugurated.

Some things had even been inaugurated centuries ago.

“This castle …?”

“It’s prior to Your Excellency’s arrival.”

“If everything that occupies volume in this place has already been inaugurated,” said the Boss, “then we will have to think about things that don’t occupy volume!”

“I hadn’t thought of that, Boss.”

“Actually I had thought of that,” exclaimed the other Assistant, “but then I forgot.”

“Very well,” continued the Boss, ignoring the Assistants’ vigorous murmurs, “here’s an idea!”

“Where, Boss?!”

The Boss continued, “Here’s my idea: has today ever occurred before in this place?”

“Boss, you want to know if at any time before today, today existed?”

“In this place, I’m only referring to this place,” clarified the Boss.

“Never, Boss. It’s the first time that this day has dawned in this place.”

“There you have it!”

“What, Boss?”

“We can inaugurate this day in this place. I will inaugurate today.”

“It’s an impressive idea, Boss.”

“Instead of inaugurating spaces, we can inaugurate time. Now that is undoubtedly an important idea.”