Pat Barker - Noonday

So why now? Because I’m lonely. No Paul. No Rachel either — the farmhouse is empty. Rachel’s gone to stay with Gabriella, who’s had her baby now — a little girl — and Tim’s staying at his club, an easy walking distance from the War Office. Rachel’s given me a key and told me to take anything I need from the kitchen garden — after all, as she says, it’ll only go to waste — she’s even told me to raid her wardrobe, though since she’s expanded over the years and I’ve contracted, I can’t think that’s going to be much use. Still, I’ll give it a go. One thing about all that sewing I used to do, I’m quite good at altering clothes.

I found this notebook — completely blank — sitting in the bottom-right-hand drawer of Mother’s desk, and I find myself wondering why she bought it, what she intended it for, because it’s not at all the kind of thing she’d buy. There are scrapbooks in the kitchen with recipes cut out of magazines and pasted in. They’re thick, those books, and they smell of paste, and her thumb- and fingerprints are all over them. Looking through them, I can spot her favorite recipes because those pages are more daubed and crusted than the rest. I can remember the tastes too. Oh, and the ingredients…They’re like little messages from another world. But this notebook? No, I’ve no idea what it was for — and evidently she didn’t know either, since it was never used. Another mystery, and not one I’m likely to solve now.

I keep tripping over her presence. Everything here is hers, hers, not mine. The dressing table in the back bedroom…She used to look into that mirror every evening when she was getting ready for dinner. When I was a child, I used to sit on her bed in our old house and watch, though I knew my presence irritated her. Lots of hair-brushing, dabs of scent, the merest dusting of face powder — it was all a great mystery to me, what grown-up ladies did, and I felt I could never be part of it. (Oh, and how right I was!)

The sofa. I sit here in the evenings staring at the fire (lit for company, not warmth — it’s still very mild) and if I close my eyes I can actually feel my legs, skinny, little-girl legs, sticking straight out over the edge. It’s like one of those trick photographs where a child appears giant-sized because the proportions of the room are abnormal — or rather the reverse, since here I feel dwarfed by giant furniture, though really it’s the same size it always was. Only I don’t belong with it anymore.

I wonder what Paul’s doing. Whether he’s on duty. I wonder who he’s with. I wonder if Rachel has these thoughts about Tim — well, yes, of course she does, though in her case I’m pretty sure she’s right to be suspicious. I wonder if she minds.

Every time Paul visits, he brings me something, something he’s retrieved from the house. He says the house is stable, that there’s no risk, though I’m not sure I believe him. If it was stable we’d be allowed back in. I wish these little parcels didn’t feel so much like peace offerings. Last Friday, he brought two big portfolios of drawings, which had somehow survived, wedged in between the kitchen dresser and the wall, though I haven’t had the heart to look at them yet. Can’t open the portfolios. Can’t paint. Can’t do anything.

I’m a pinprick, a speck, a bee floating and drowning on a pool of black water, surrounded by ever-expanding, concentric rings of silence. I rub my wings together, or do whatever it is bees do that makes a noise, but there’s no buzzing. And no echo either, no sound comes back.

15 October 1940

Today I walked as far as the river. It came on to rain, a sudden downpour. I stood and watched raindrops pocking the surface, rings, bubbles, little spurts of water leaping up. And I thought of Paul’s mother putting bricks in her pockets and wading in and tried to imagine her last moments, bubbles of water escaping from slackened lips, hair swaying to and fro in the currents, like weeds. And an iron band around the chest, the involuntary struggle for breath — and then, nothing. We have to hope: nothing.

Back at the cottage, I took my wet slacks off in front of the fire and my skin was all gray and purple, goosepimply, and I thought why wouldn’t he prefer firm, young flesh? Isn’t that what all men prefer, when you get right down to it?

I miss my house. It’s like grief for a person — an actual physical craving — and yes, I know it’s only bricks and mortar and it shouldn’t matter when every day — or rather every night — so many more important things are being lost. Lives, for God’s sake. And yet I can’t talk myself out of it. There’s a particular place — was a particular place — at the bottom of the basement stairs. You turn left and there’s a small window looking out onto the back garden and it has a cupboard underneath. I used to keep a jug of flowers there. We bought the jug in Deià, very cheap, but beautiful, and the flowers came from the garden in summer, in winter it was twigs and leaves, hemlock, I used to get it from the riverbank here, catkins…Nothing cost more than a few pennies, but in that particular place, at particular times of day — late afternoon when the sun struck the window at a slight angle and shone through the leaves, delineating every vein on every leaf, it was perfection.

One of the things you notice about getting older is that every loss picks the scab off previous losses. The house is gone, so I miss Toby more. Mad, but true. I feel him all the time now — and I hope that doesn’t mean I’m about to join him, because I’m not ready to die just yet.

I think about Violet and her cyanide capsule. She actually offered to get me one, but I said no. I don’t want to go to bed at noon.

16 October 1940

Yesterday I got into such a state of gloom and despondency that in the end I just ran out of patience with myself. So I made myself sit down and open the two portfolios Paul brought back last week.

A lot of drawings from last year and the year before, looking rather dated I thought, but then nothing’s quite so dated as the recent past. A few shelter drawings, one or two of them quite promising — I might work on those, I suppose. There’s one of children queuing outside Warren Street tube station that I rather like, though one of the boys at the front looks exactly like Kenny. I didn’t mean it to, but there he is — the resemblance is unmistakable.

I want to go back to London. I don’t know what stops me, except I feel I need to get Paul’s agreement — consult him at least. I even went up into the loft this morning and got a suitcase down. It’d take me literally minutes to pack. These days I’m like a snail: I carry my house on my back. And though most of the time I feel dreadful, just now and then I get a glimpse of something else, a frisson of something…Lightness. Freedom, I suppose.

But I haven’t put anything into the suitcase yet, and I don’t know what’s holding me back. Partly it’s fear: going back into that nightly horror, but that’s an impersonal fear, shared by everybody. No, I think what I’m really afraid of is being alone, just me, no longer half of a couple. A cold draft blowing down my side where Paul used to be. I don’t feel it so much here, because I’m surrounded by all these relics of my childhood, the before-Paul time. But I know in London I’d feel it badly.

Almost enough to keep me here, but I think not quite.

17 October 1940

Another bright, sunny, gritty day, no wind. Water on the marshes steel blue, reflecting light back at the sky, the reeds a vicious yellow-green, the sort of color you feel can’t possibly occur in nature, but there it is, you’re looking at it.