Mark Leyner - Gone with the Mind

A. That’s absolutely revolting.

Q. Well, y’know, aphids drink leaf sap and then excrete droplets of this sugary liquid from their rear ends, and that’s the stuff that ants drink, so…I mean, it does happen in nature. (He shrugs, changing the subject.)

Q. What would you say if someone said to me, “I don’t think there was any reading. I don’t think there’s any autobiography. I don’t think there’s any fucking, uh…any fucking video game. I think you and your mom just came to a mall, came to a food court, sat down, and had something to eat. And I think you just stood up on a table and started talking like some fucking nutjob. Or did some kind of loony reenactment of your internal psychodramas or you and your mother’s weird-ass folie à deux, or some reenactment of your little…your weird little lunches together at the Bird Cage at Lord & Taylor a million years ago. And that’s all this whole thing is.” What would you say to that?

A. You know what I’d say? I’d say, that’s the great thing about literature. Everyone’s entitled to his or her own interpretation. That’s what I’d say to that.

Q. Well, all I know is — I’m “real.” I’m bringing “realness.” I’m singing all the parts. And if the flying balcony with Mussolini at the helm turns out to be a bathroom stall with my mom, then so be it. If being on my hands and my knees, wedged in this stall forever with my mom, if that turns out to be my version of that cell, that birdcage in King Lear, and if this sort of, this sort of…of contrapuntal chirping is what we end up doing forever, sort of gently batting our minds’ eyeballs back and forth and back and forth like, like feathered shuttlecocks…if we’re just these two incessantly twittering birds, these two little winged larynxes flying around each other in a birdcage…like those motorcyclists, those stunt riders who race around each other in those mesh spheres, in those “globes of death” at circuses, at carnivals, like, uh…like, uh, Ryan Gosling in that movie The Place Beyond the Pines . If it turns out that’s all this whole thing is…then so be it. You know? (MARK’S MOM recognizes someone new in yet another configuration of cracks on the floor.)

A. Well, for God’s sake!

Q. What?

A. When we moved to West Orange, I guess I was looking for a store where I could have a…a personal sort of relationship, the way I did in Jersey City…and, um, there was this place called Rolli’s or Rolli’s Market that had been recommended to me possibly, probably by Judy Leiberman, or by other people in the neighborhood who said that their butcher shop was very, very good, and that’s how I started to use them. And that —right over there — that looks to me, that looks uncannily to me like Joe Rolli. Joe’s brother — whose name I’m trying to remember as I’m speaking to you — his older brother was the butcher. And the quality of the meat he carried and his ability to cut the meat, to prepare it properly, was wonderful, and they delivered as well. So sometimes I would just call in to them and order a roast and, uh…they’d deliver, and sometimes as I developed the habit, as I became used to driving in the neighborhood more, of driving down the hill and stopping there en route to wherever I was going, I’d get a grocery order as well. And the younger brother — a sort of ruddy-cheeked, round-faced nice guy — was Joe…that was the…he was in charge of the grocery department. And they were, uh, very, very, very nice to me and always had time to talk, and, if anything turned out to be not perfect, they would see to it…they would give me another one, a better one. And they’d ask after the family, and it just became this very warm and comfortable and comforting kind of arrangement, which doesn’t mean certainly that I didn’t go to Kings Market, because I did, constantly, but rather than use the meat department at Kings, I, uh…I used Rolli’s as long as I lived in West Orange. There were other places too, and you know I’m a champion food buyer, so if we wanted to have a certain kind of thing, I would go to that kind of place…like, if we wanted fried chicken, barbecued chicken, or one of the other specialties, I’d go to the place called the Chicken Nest and shop there, um…now the original Chicken Nest was…all right, now I’m going to forget the names of some of the streets? The street that runs parallel to, uh, Wyoming…to Gregory…um…below it…where, when we moved to Maplewood, Chase’s school was on that street…

Q. Valley?

A. Valley, yes. So you’d drive down to Valley, and then you’d make a turn one block further south down the hill, and there was the little tiny parking lot and, um, the Chicken Nest. And they came to know me…they’d say, “Hello, Mrs. Leyner!” and, uh…you went to summer camp with one of their children, one of the owner’s children…

Q. Oh, that’s right. I remember…I remember him.

A. And you could get all kinds of poultry there, and you could get chicken soups, and their potato salad was great, and on holidays, and maybe other times too, they had, um…yams. Do you remember the yams from there? Your sister adored them. They were mashed yams and they were wonderful, and they also had, uh…people in those days used as side dishes, things like a cranberry mold or a, uh, uh…there was one mold that looked like green Jell-O.

Q. Oh yeah. What was in that green Jell-O mold?

A. They must have put either cottage cheese or, uh, cream cheese, and then pulverized it, so it was that lovely sort of lime-green color. It was a lime mold and it had, I think, some pineapple in it as well…And they also barbecued chickens and barbecued ducks…you could get ducks quartered. And I used to take those, those ducks, and cook them again with a sauce like a…like a cherry sauce or an orange Grand Marnier sauce for entertaining…because then they were nice and tender on the inside and extra-crispy on the outside, but I didn’t have to put up with all the fat from cooking duck from the beginning. So there were lots of specialty stores — Jewish delicatessens where you could get lox and bagels — and I used all of them…but my go-to people if I was either in a hurry or somebody wasn’t feeling well and we couldn’t go out or just because it was comfortable and warm, I would use the Rolli brothers. And when I moved away from West Orange, and then even when I sold the house in Maplewood and moved away, I would get an occasional call…in the beginning it was fairly frequent, and after a while sometimes it would be like even once a year…and it would be Joe. And he’d say, “I was thinking about you. I was thinking about your great smile. I was thinking about…”—it was funny because he’d say “your beautiful blue eyes.” Well, he might have liked them, but they’re not blue. They’re green, and they’re still green. Nevertheless, I thought it was very funny and very cute…I learned a little bit about his family…I think I learned more about his family after the fact, y’know, when he used to make these calls. It turned out that one of his children, one of his daughters, married the man who became governor for a while in New Jersey…um, took over the governorship…I’m not even sure…was that when McGreevey had to leave or resign?

Q. Oh, this was recent?

A. Yeah…But I know…I can’t remember his name…but he’s still in government, Joe’s son-in-law. So…they both had nice families, they were nice men…the place was as clean as could be…and, uh, it’s the kind of shopping, the kind of transaction that I used to watch, I now realize, my mother make all the time…She’d walk on Jackson Avenue in Jersey City and go to her greengrocer and go to her butcher and stop and pass the time of day with all the other people. They knew her well, she knew them. They knew all about our family, we knew, a little less I would think, about their families…but enough to ask how their son was doing in medical school, and so on and so forth…and it was that very human contact, I think, that I learned from my mom, and that, without realizing it at the time, was so important to me and, in fact, is still important to me. I guess in my dealings with markets, I’ll find one that has good-quality things but also gives that feeling…that if I really needed something on a dark and snowy night, they’d bring it over. Just as the nice young man over at Palisade Bagel…when it first opened…a Korean mother and son…for all I know they own lots of other things too…but I could see how hard they were working and it wasn’t busy in the beginning, at all…all the people in the high-rise buildings, I’m sure they raised an eyebrow and said, sort of, Show me that you know what this stuff is, what do you know about this? And I went in and saw this woman who rarely smiles…who gives this very minimal little smile…and I watched her interaction with her son, who is very American and is as nice a boy as you could meet…and if the subject ever came up or if it was possible for me to say to people, Y’know I was just across the street at the market — I would say as I was coming up from the downstairs hallway, or in the elevator — and the things they have are really excellent, their bagels are really good bagels and the tuna salad is the best tuna salad, and your sister calls me from Weehawken about buying tuna salad and bringing it over to her — that’s how good it is. My fussy, fussy daughter. I mean, I’m not claiming that I made their success — that would be rather self-aggrandizing and I don’t mean that…but I think that they understood, and I think they understood very early on…and the son in particular…I could see that when I got home, that there was an extra bagel thrown in, or if they were covering everything up and closing up…I always used to forget that they closed at four thirty…that he would wait and unlock the door for me and say, “Don’t you worry, Mrs. Leyner, it’s no problem at all.” And it’s really lovely, it’s really nice to have that, and, uh…I’ve called once or twice…I called when I had the flu a couple of years ago, I called when I had the bursitis in my hip and I wasn’t supposed to move around…and I would say who I was and ask if it would be possible for someone to bring something over…and they’d say, “Of course!” And maybe they do that for everybody, but it’s the feeling I like and the feeling I have with them…and it’s very nice. So, I think I automatically end up trying to re-create that kind of thing for myself. You remember…I don’t know if you do…that we had what they called a chicken-and-egg man who used to deliver to us in Jersey City. From Lakewood. He used to come in his little truck.