Gary Amdahl - The Daredevils

“How ’bout you, Mr. Minot?”

Minkowski let his motor fall to idle and Charles took a slow, deep breath. He was known, after all, to this disgusting and dangerous man, and was now not at all sure what that knowledge meant. He glanced at Vera, who glanced back as if she thought he was forgetting his lines, and smiled discreet encouragement.

“Mr. Swanson?” Charles began.

Swanson interrupted him. “ The Alarm and Forward and on and on — what else? Backward ? I read this guy Berkman’s paper. Tries to assassinate Frick back in Homestead, goes to jail, gets out, comes here, an anarchist, mind you, a murdering godless fucking anarchist — excuse me, miss — and he starts a paper called the Blast. Hard to take a guy like that seriously, you know what I mean? But what are some other newspapers? This is fun, help me out. You must get around, Mr. Minot. Cronaca Sovversiva and Broyt un Frayhayt, there’s two more.” His pronunciation of the Italian and the Yiddish was faultless. Then he mispronounced them, as if having fun.

“I’m afraid I can’t help you,” Charles said. “Those are all foreign-language newspapers, aren’t they? I was brought up to read the newspapers of Christian white men.”

“Now there you go, that’s it, exactly!” Swanson’s slitted eyes grew horribly wide again, and his wide red mouth opened with amused pleasure. “Foreign nationals behind every one of ’em! It’s not American radicalism at all!” He suddenly pulled a wad of bills from an inside coat pocket. “Here’s the five thousand I promised you,” he stage-whispered, holding the money out to Minkowski, who reached for it. Swanson withdrew it slightly, waving it back and forth. “Just promise me again you’ll do what I asked you.”

“Give me the money you fucking asshole and we’ll see what happens,” said Minkowski genially.

Swanson laughed, stopped, then laughed again, and it seemed like the thing to do. It was infectious and effectively handed, Charles saw, the stage back to the strange detective, who was getting something like applause somewhere in his perception of the interior of the bus. He laughed a little longer, enjoying it clearly, then waved good-bye as he stepped from the bus and almost instantly disappeared into the crowd. Just as they were exhaling, he scared them all by appearing at Vera’s open window.

“I know what you’d do, miss,” he said, “with five grand.”

“You do ?” she giggled.

“Climb up the tallest building in the city and put one of those electric signs up, like your friend did in New York a few years back, way up there on the top of that tower over, uh, over the uh. Madison Square Garden, jeepers, how I lose a name like that beats me! At the feet of lovely Diana, that big old naked lady who spins around like a weather vane.”

Minkowski engaged first gear and jumped away from the curb.

Charles saw it: the faint red letters, hundreds of feet up in the murky night, coming down Lexington from the Armory Show and all its insane new art, hoping to catch the first performance of the pageant of the striking Paterson Silk Workers at the Garden, turning on Twenty-Sixth, and seeing it over the treetops of Madison Square Park, floating in complete cloudy darkness above the feeble gaslight of the streets, as if written in fire that had burned itself down to embers — this was the work of someone Vera knew? He had been there — of course he’d been there! And had Vera not seen them? He thought she had.

He could not get the picture out of his mind. 1913. Alexander was already the governor’s chief of staff in Sacramento, and Andrew was figuring out what do in the wake of the humiliating Bull Moose defeat — not to mention the attempt by Schrank on the former president’s life: had the attempt been made in California, it might have occurred to Andrew to protect “Uncle Ted,” and gunshots had always sobered the family in ways gunshots did not ordinarily sober people — e.g., by seeking cover, either physical or psychological, panting, giving thanks to God Almighty that they were still alive, committing themselves to kindness and gentleness for the rest of their days, or casting about hysterically for a weapon to call their own. No, the Minots had, rather like T. R. himself, received gunshots and other potentially mortal wounds as signs from God that they had been chosen for great work. Charles had several semesters at Cal under his belt, was restless, and of course, while they were ascertaining the nature of the next bit of great work, they had come across the country to see the Armory Show!

A small crowd of ticket buyers had gathered around the box office window. Charles parked his Studebaker at the far end of the block and removed his goggles. He was much too preoccupied with Vera’s sudden transformation in his mind — from what to what, it was hard to say, beautiful young woman to daredevil, dangling herself high above the city to declare an era in which no one need be afraid? From somebody he wanted to fuck to somebody he wanted to worship? Much too amazed to care about the crowd, and they appeared to be cheering anyway, more cheering knuckleheads waving signs — but it was hard in the deepening twilight to tell. He moved unsteadily down the alley toward the stage door, his stomach rising and falling and percolating its acids. He put his hand on the railing that led to the door and prepared himself to see his nausea through, to, as it were, stick a finger down his throat and be done with it, bear the grave responsibility before him, do the ridiculous and false thing they expected him to do, or brave and true, depending on your mood and point of view, enter into the nightmare time and space of the stage and humiliate himself in an ill-conceived and awkwardly played-out bit of fraudulence, then emerge from it, miraculously relieved to find it had been worthy and real, bursting finally with gratitude and love of life, wryly amused at his earlier childish torments and wading into the riotous esteem of his fellow San Franciscans. Yes, that was how it was — or could easily be seen to be.

He went down a dark corridor that still smelled of sawn wood and fresh cement and hot metal, crammed with old clothes from centuries, even millennia, past, odd props the use of which could not be guessed at, and junk, plain junk, that had been accumulated in the drive for funding, seeing no one, hearing no one and nothing, and entered into the dressing room where the other actors sat slumped and stinking of paints and creams and anxiety and indigestion before streaked and spotted mirrors throwing back hideous made-up masks. The princess’s understudy looked up at him. “Aren’t you the daredevil,” she enunciated.

They were all, he realized in a surge of bile, looking at him through the predatory safety of their mirrors, two banks of them on either side, three apiece, six faces, a gauntlet. but rather than plunging him into a deeper vomitous misery, it, to his great surprise, emboldened him.

“What,” he demanded, “is the matter with you children now?”

They looked away, six different moues of sarcasm, bored, it now seemed to him, with their anxiety and his late arrival. Then the old man, Garagiola, stood up and told him to go soak his head. He used his old Brooklyn voice, a sign that all was not well, and that he was feeling peevish. “Aw, go soak yuh head,” he said with a small dismissive flip of his liver-spotted and veinous old claw of a hand.

“ Relax ,” said Teddy Blair, rubbing his false belly. “For Christ’s sake.”

The electric lights went off and on, and the old man squeaked with annoyance. “Now what the hell was that ?” shouted Blair.

“That’s just what I wanted to see!” Charles said, striding confidently onstage, but it was clear that something had happened and whatever he was pretending to see was not what the audience or his fellow actors were seeing. He felt quite alone. The city was ruined. The vast schematic in his mind diagramming all the points of warmth and assurance and connection seemed no longer to apply, though he moved from one to the next and the next as if they still did, feeling perhaps a faint tingle or echo at the climax of each moment. He seemed somehow onstage and yet not in the play. He was neither Christopher Newman nor Charles Minot — which, after all, was part of what he’d been playing at all through rehearsals. The context, though: it had changed. He did not know in what way it was changed, nor exactly how the change had come about, but it was no longer, in any way, a positive environment. He was in some way he suddenly understood very well, nobody. But nobody where and in the service of what? Whenever the audience laughed or drew in their breath, or when he touched another actor, when he, for instance, embraced the false princess, the non-Vera, and kissed her with the by-now-lifeless facsimile of passion, he felt as if he were watching someone else. He no longer felt safe. He knew in the back of his mind that this was no way properly to act, and he consequently became frightened. It was not the simple if nauseating and paralyzing anxiety of stage fright, but a kind of pathological anomie — if in fact it was pathological to see things as they were, to feel isolated and disoriented and friendless. But he broke off the kiss at just the moment he always had done, the audience began to applaud as they always had done, the curtain surged across the stage and swept back and the audience continued to applaud, though not quite thunderously now, he noted, and saw as well that the house was not quite full.