Regan Wolfrom - Catholic Guilt and the Joy of Hating Men

He smiled at me.

I felt bad for Darrel. He’d wanted to show off to a few classmates, maybe trick me into bed with him, and now he had to sit around feeling guilty. He was not the first person to get in way over his head. It’s like those people that get lost in Death Valley, getting their car stuck in the middle of the desert. They wanted to go on a nice little adventure with their kids and their GPS unit, but then all of a sudden they were on their way to dying of thirst.

Five days ago my shoes and socks were soaked from stepping in a puddle on Spirit Lake Trail. Now I’m as thirsty as I can ever remember being.

If it doesn’t rain soon we’ll die the same way they die in Death Valley. We’re surrounded by water we shouldn’t drink, our bodies slowly shutting down from thirst.

It might be better to drown myself first.

FRIDAY - Four Days Adrift

I DON’Tknow if the radio’s broken. I don’t think there’s any way to know for sure.

But I do know that we’ve been trying to get help on it for four days now, and we’ve gotten nowhere.

SUNDAY - Six Days Adrift

DARREL TOLDus a story today about a motorcycle that had washed up inside a shipping container on Graham Island; he says that the currents are bringing everything from Japan to the West Coast, so it’s only a matter of time before we wash up back along the BC shore.

I’ve taken the lead with the rationing. We’ll have enough food for six more days if we stretch it out as much as I’ve planned, but that isn’t the worst of our problems. We don’t have enough water to make it that long.

There’s a rule we all know, not from being pre-med but from watching a lot of cable TV. It’s 3-3-3: three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food. We’ll be out of water by tomorrow.

MONDAY - Seven Days Adrift

I WOKEup late and found that the water wasn’t the only thing gone. Someone had taken the rations out, and there was no way for me to know whether they’d eaten all of them or just hidden them somewhere on the boat.

I didn’t have the energy to tear the place apart. And I didn’t know who’d done it.

“You’ve fucking killed us,” Breccan said to Darrel over a lunch of nothing. We were all in the salon hiding from the chill outside.

“We’re not dead yet,” he said.

“Well you’ve stranded us and stolen all of the rations,” Jon said. “So you’re doing a good job of it so far.”

“Nice try. I’m not the one who took the rations. I’m not stupid enough to eat all of our food in one sitting. I only know one person on board who’s dumb and fat enough to do that, Jon.”

They were looking at each other the way you’d expect two guys to look at each other a couple seconds before they beat each other half to death, but they were both too exhausted to do more than stare.

That was a clue in itself, really.

“One of us took the rations,” I said. “There aren’t any raccoons on board. And I know it wasn’t me.”

“We don’t know it wasn’t you,” Breccan said.

“Are you kidding me?”

“I’m just saying. There’s no proof.”

“I was asleep.”

“How do we know you didn’t wake up in the middle of the night to steal them? Maybe that’s why you slept in.”

“There’s no way Steph did it,” Darrel said.

“You wanting to fuck her isn’t proof that she’s innocent,” Breccan said with a smirk.

I decided that I had enough energy to handle that. “You’re a real bitch, Breccan,” I said. “Just shut up while the grownups talk, okay?” I leaned across the table towards her, trying to show her just how ready I was to slap her upside her head.

“Don’t talk to her like that,” Jon said, doing his best white knight impression.

“Or what?”

“I’m serious.”

“Everyone needs to shut up,” Darrel said. “We’re not getting anywhere with this.”

“That’s because you stole the rations,” Jon said. “So just admit it so I can start kicking your ass.”

“The toothpaste,” I said. “I put it with the rations.”

“So what?” Jon said.

“No one’s brushing their teeth these days. I’ll bet whoever took the rations smells like the rations.”

“That’s a good point,” Darrel said.

“Let’s smell your breath, then,” Jon said.

Darrel leaned over and blew a gust of air across the table. It smelt of rot. Considering the situation, I was glad he stank. It’s pretty bad form for the captain to eat up all the food.

“I haven’t eaten since yesterday,” he said.

“That doesn’t mean you didn’t take the rations,” Jon said. He huffed over at Darrel, then turned and gave the same huff to me. The same bad smell.

“You’re both clean,” I said. “You know, like, figuratively.”

“So it’s a stupid idea,” Breccan said.

“Your turn, Breccan,” Darrel said.

“This is ridiculous.”

Darrel leaned in towards her. “Come on.”

She gave out a little puff.

I could smell it from across the table.

“Toothpaste,” I said. “So you thought you’d cover up the smell of the food with something else that’s gone missing?”

“I was hungry,” she said. “Gawd.”

“Are you fucking serious?” Darrel said. “You really did eat all of the rations?”

She nodded.

“Even the fucking oatmeal powder?”

She nodded again.

The way that Darrel looked at her made me wonder if he was about to hit her. But he sighed and turned to face me.

“We’ve got a problem,” he said.

“We’re out of food,” I said.

“No. She’s the problem.”

“Oh. So we should eat her.”

“This isn’t funny,” Jon said.

“It kinda is,” I said. “The damage is done. She ate the food. So let’s figure out what to do next.”

“That’s not good enough,” Darrel said.

“What’s not good enough? You want to give her a spanking?”

“We’re all going to die anyway,” Breccan said. “What does it matter?”

She had a point.

“Let’s just try to cool down,” I said. “Let’s take a break here, and maybe we’ll come up with something after some time apart.”

“Fuck this shit,” Jon said. He climbed up to the cockpit, preferring to freeze rather than stay with us. He’d always liked Breccan, and now he knew her well enough not to.

“We still have to deal with her,” Darrel said.

“Just drop it,” I told him. “There’s no point.”

“I’m sorry,” Breccan said.

I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to tell her.

She laid down in one of the bunks and covered her head with a blanket.

I stayed at the table, as did Darrel, but I think we were both trying not to notice each other.

The food isn’t really the problem. We need rain. Rain by Wednesday, Thursday at the very latest. And then, if we’re lucky enough to get the water… then we’ll need food.

I know we could last a few weeks in theory on water alone, but there’s no way that would work in real life. The only person on this boat who doesn’t have a mortal enemy is me… at least I don’t know of anyone who wants me dead. And we won’t make it to the end of the week without eating; someone is going to lose control.

Hell… it could even be me.

I heard Jon call down from the cockpit. He was calling for me.