Jia Pingwa - Ruined City

“Where is he?” Meng asked.

“He’s in middle school. He comes home late because they offer after-school classes. My hopes are all on him now. I want him to go to college and then get a doctoral degree so he can go overseas and make a name for himself.”

Troubled by her talk, Zhuang cut in, “You’re still young. You should be living for yourself. Pinning all your hope on your son could—”

She smiled stiffly and looked down. A layer of dust caught her attention, so she picked up a rag and wiped it away. “You’re right, of course. But you don’t understand.” She gave a short laugh. “I once told Ah-lan about going hungry in Xinjiang. She said she’d gone hungry once, too, but that was when she was on a business trip and had to skip meals while she was traveling. Me? It was not knowing where my next meal came from. We were so poor, we couldn’t scrape together a handful of rice. We both went hungry, but in totally different circumstances.”

“I see,” Zhuang said.

Meng thought he got the drift of their conversation, but all he was sure of was that Zhuang and Ah-can had a lot to talk about. So he said he would take the scooter into town on business, and Zhuang could stay to write the letter. He would be back in a couple of hours. Without waiting for a response, he walked out and rode off on the scooter.

Meng’s departure made Zhuang uneasy.

“You can write that letter now, can’t you?”

“Yes.”

She brought him a pen and paper, pushed everything on the table to the side, and invited him to sit down, saying she wouldn’t bother him. She would sit and read. Unable to get into the mood, he tore up the first few openings. Offering him some sunshine, she opened the drapes and fanned him from behind so the heat would not bother him. He told her there was no need for that. Finally getting the inspiration he was looking for, he started writing, with so much feeling he seemed enthralled. After reading for a while at the head of the bed, she quietly watched him as he wrote. A long time passed before he finished and turned to see her staring at him. She seemed not to be aware that he was looking at her. “I’m done,” he said.

Startled out of her reverie, she blushed, knowing she had been distracted. “Really? So soon?”

He was surprised to see her blush, for she hadn’t been at all shy until then. She walked up and asked, “Could you read it to me?”

“Sure. Listen and tell me if it sounds like a woman’s voice. I’m worried he might be able to tell it’s a fake.”

So he read it, all three pages, and when he was done, he looked up to see a tender, fair hand with slender but nicely shaped fingers, her pinkie and ring fingers pressing down on the table while her middle and index fingers quivered. He realized that she had moved over to stand next to him, resting one hand on the table and fanning him with the other. He peered into the face looking down at him; her eyes were glazed over, her cheeks flushed.

“What do you think?” he asked.

“For a while I thought it was written for me.”

Impulsively, he called out hoarsely, “Ah-can.”

“Yes.” She began to sway. He reached up with the hand holding the pen, and just before that hand touched her waist, he tried to stand up. Halfway there, the face above him fell on his. The nib of the pen left a spot of ink on her white blouse. They fell into each other’s arms, knocking over a rattan chair.

“This was my best letter ever, Ah-can. And all because of my feelings for you.”

“Really? You really like me?”

He tightened his arms around her and gave her a passionate kiss, feeling there was no need to say more; he wanted to let his strength and passion convey his sympathy and attraction.

“What must you think of me?” she said, still in his arms. “You must think I’m too easy, but I’m not. I’m really not. I really can’t believe that you’re fond of me. I was thinking that it would be a beautiful experience if we made love. I would like to have such a beautiful experience at least once in my life.”

Making him sit down, she repeated that she was a good woman, a reputable woman. She had been a good student, but her family background was so bad that she had been sent to Xijiang to defend the border. There she managed to find a man, Mu Jiaren, with whom she had been transferred to Xijing a few years back. Her life had been difficult and exhausting; she was insignificant, but she had a lofty mind and wasn’t ugly, with a nice figure and a fair complexion. She had let no one but her husband look at and admire her body.

“I believe you, Ah-can. You don’t have to say any more.”

“I want to. I want to tell you everything. I want to be transparent before you. I want you to look at me and tell me if you like what you see. I’m going to surprise you.” She took off her blouse, her pajamas, her bra and panties, even kicked off her slippers, and stood naked before him. But instead of drinking in the sight of her body, he wrapped his arms around her and teared up, despite himself. She reached out to wipe his tears. “I didn’t frighten you, did I?”

Wordlessly, he gave his body to her after she lay down on the bed. “You really are fond of me, aren’t you?” she said softly. ☐☐ ☐☐ ☐☐ [The author has deleted 411words.] She pulled him down, and he detected an unusual fragrance.

“I smell good. Mu Jiaren has said so and so has my son. Smell me down there. That’s where it’s best.”

He lowered his head and did detect a warm fragrance; he felt enshrouded in misty clouds. ☐☐ ☐☐ ☐☐ [The author has deleted 22 words.] Grinding her teeth, she called out in pain, and he stopped, afraid he might hurt her.

“Do whatever you please, as long as it feels good. When I was pregnant, the doctor said my pelvis is narrower than most women’s and that I might have trouble giving birth.”

He began again slowly; she shook her head with a smile. They kept up the talk until he said he was about to come. She told him to pull out first. ☐☐ ☐☐ ☐☐ [The author has deleted 51 words.]

“I’m not wearing an IUD, and I don’t want to get pregnant.” She put her arms around him. They lay together that way, and then her face twitched and tears ran down her face.

“Do you regret what we did, Ah-can?” Zhuang said as he tried to get up. “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have done it.” She sat up to hold him and bring him down to lie next to her. “No regrets. Why would there be? I was thrilled. I want to thank you. Really, I can’t thank you enough. You satisfied me, not just physically but psychologically, too. You have no idea how depressed, how dispirited, I’ve been. I thought my life was over, but now I know that you care for me. I don’t want anything from you, not your money or your help. I have regained my will to live just knowing that a celebrity like you finds me attractive. I envy your wife. Having you proves that she must be someone who can be successful in whatever she does. I’m jealous of her, really, truly jealous. But please believe me when I say I would never want to replace her. I wouldn’t dare think about that. Please don’t worry about what we did today. I would never cause you any trouble or become a burden.”

It was the first time a woman had ever said anything like that to Zhuang. He sat up and dried her tears. “I’m not as good as you think, and am ashamed to hear you say so.” He sat there staring blankly.

“Don’t be like that. I don’t want you to be like that.” She put her arms around him and laid her head on his chest. They sat quietly for a while before she asked softly, “Would you like a cigarette?” She reached over and took one from a case at the head of the bed. Putting it in her mouth, she lit it and then put it in between his lips. He removed it and said, “Could I smell you again? I want your fragrance to mask my stink.”