Tie Ning - The Bathing Women

The real reason for her disgust with Fang Jing was about to emerge, and her disgust was a much stronger and more solid feeling than her sympathy for Tiao or her desire to stand up for her.

4

Beijing was where Fei was born. She hadn’t been back there since Dr. Tang had taken her away from Denger Alley Elementary School. Beijing stirred all sorts of mixed feelings in her. She could smell shit in every alley, the shit long ago kept in a teacup. But she didn’t hate Beijing. She might be a little crude, but was never muddleheaded at important moments. She understood she couldn’t accuse Beijing of eating shit just because Beijing forced her mother to. Maybe she could say Beijing itself had eaten shit before. It was the era that made a city eat shit. The era had turned many cities into shit-eaters.

She didn’t hate Beijing. Beijing always made her feel stable and expansive. Beijing was different from Fuan, where she was too involved and too occupied; there was no room left in her heart to cultivate Fuan. She left Beijing at a fairly innocent age, so she was able to retain a misty impression of the city, a view that wasn’t too specific, yet not too vague. Her father must live there. She felt strange that she didn’t much miss her mother and uncle, with whom she’d lived. Her longing for her mysterious father remained endless, an unchanged background colour. It became persistent and strong when she was in Beijing. Fei was thankful to Tang Jingjing for never having criticized Fei’s father, but she also never told her who he was and whether he died or was still alive. So Fei chose to believe her father was alive and lived right in Beijing. Sometimes she would bring to mind various images of men and pretend one of them was her father; sometimes she felt her father was Beijing. The city of Beijing was her father, a little aloof and elegant, a little kind and peaceful. She was willing to believe her father hadn’t abandoned her mother and her, but rather that he hadn’t known her mother was pregnant. She absolved her father even when her heart felt most desolate, which brought some warmth into the barrenness. There probably wasn’t going to be any love in her life; only a very small amount was left. She would like to preserve it for the man who gave her life.

She called Fang Jing from a public telephone booth, and he happened to pick up. She identified herself, and Fang Jing went silent for a moment. Then he adjusted himself and talked in a resonant voice. “Oh, it’s you, Comrade Old Tang. Long time, no see. Did you come to Beijing for a conference? Screen script?”

“I must see you today. I came to Beijing just to see you, on behalf of Tiao,” Fei said.

“I should go to your hotel to call on you, but unfortunately there happen to be a few foreigners at the international club—”

Fei interrupted him. “In that case, I can go to your house and wait for you there. I have your address.”

Fang Jing immediately changed his tone. “That’s okay, too. I can come and see you this afternoon. At which hotel are you staying?”

“I’m not staying at any hotel. I’ll be taking the night train back to Fuan.”

Maybe Fei’s words about leaving Beijing the same night reassured Fang Jing. Why would he feel threatened by a woman who was not going to settle in Beijing? All of a sudden he became animated and said, “Comrade Old Tang, do you mean the National Political Consultative Conference’s Hall? Good, good. Let’s meet there. I’ll treat you to dinner at Da Sanyuan.”

After putting down the phone, Fei realized that Fang Jing wanted her to meet him at the National Political Consultative Conference’s Hall. Those words he meant for his family to hear made her sympathize with him, and also look down on him.

They met in front of the National Political Consultative Conference’s Hall as agreed. To prevent being recognized, he wore sunglasses, but Fei still singled him out at a glance. She had to admit he was a charming and attractive man, in another class entirely from the men she had known. She had met many men, but never felt nervous and inferior as she did this time. Then Tiao’s little emaciated face came to mind, and she stopped her assessment of Fang Jing.

Fang Jing took off his sunglasses and shook hands with Fei with his usual courtesy to women. He smiled and said, “Miss Tang, I apologize for calling you ‘Comrade Old Tang’ over the phone. I’m sure you’ll forgive me. Tiao often spoke about you, and another girl, Youyou, the Beijing girls. No matter where they go, Beijing girls are always Beijing girls, like you. I’ve never even seen a picture of you, but I still picked you out right away.”

Fang Jing’s friendly — but rambling — chitchat distracted her from her plan to condemn him as soon as she saw him, but she wanted to get the conversation on the right track. She said without looking at him directly, “It’s probably inconvenient for you to stand on the street talking.”

Fang Jing said, “You’re very considerate. But it’s too early to go to Da Sanyuan. How about we go to Jing Mountain Park? The park is very close to Da Sanyuan and we can go there for dinner after we talk.”

They found a place to sit down in Jing Mountain Park and started to talk. Fang Jing asked about Tiao, and Fei said, “Not good. Very bad.”

Fang Jing sighed and said, “She’s still so young.”

“According to you, you’re not responsible for anything. It’s all because she’s so young. Now, suppose you tell me something: Didn’t you know her age when you asked her to marry you? Why didn’t you complain she was too young then? You’re right. She is young compared to you, so young that she gave herself completely to you, leaving herself nothing. You’re older than she is, so much older, but you robbed her of everything and now you turn around and get sarcastic.”

“I wasn’t being sarcastic. I love her. I can tell you sincerely, I have never loved anybody the way I love Tiao, and I won’t in the future. You mark my words.”

“So you are still prepared to marry her, right?” Fei asked. “Then why did you try to go back on your word? Why did you stop writing to her?”

“I can’t,” Fang Jing said.

“Which can’t you do? Marry her or write back to her?”

“I did promise to marry her, but now … I’m afraid I can’t do it. When I can’t do it, not replying and not meeting are the only ways to cool down a relationship.”

“Why can’t you marry her? Have you thought about what it means to Tiao?”

Fang Jing grinned self-deprecatingly and said, “Getting divorced is like getting married — both require passion. I feel right now that I’ve completely lost the passion for a divorce. As for Tiao, I think she is a person with great inner force. I have a hunch that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with her. She appears to be pleading with me now, and you have also come to plead on her behalf — if I’m correct. However, as far as the relationship goes, she’ll be the winner in the long run. The one destined to be dumped is not her, but me, me! You’ll see. The sooner I marry her, the quicker I’ll get dumped. What I told you is all true. Believe me. Time will tell all.”

Fei carefully observed Fang Jing, trying to decide whether this piece of convoluted eloquence was his way of evading responsibility, or evidence of an inferiority complex hidden deep in his heart. Finally, she started to think he might be telling the truth. But why hadn’t he thought about these things earlier? Why didn’t he think about this before he had Tiao? she questioned. He said, “Reason prevents us from making mistakes, but it also causes us to lose possibilities for joy.”

“So what you’re trying to say is that your falling in love with Tiao is not reasonable? You really don’t have the right to say things like that. You don’t have the right to treat Tiao the way you treat other women.”