Ivan Klima - The Ultimate Intimacy

'What made you start it at all?'

'I just wanted to try it. I sold that sweater you gave me on account of it. Are you cross with me?'

'On account of the sweater?'

'It was a present from you.'

'To hell with the sweater,' he said, unable to control himself. "What made you go looking for the muck in school?'

'Because almost everyone in our class had tried it.'

'That's an exaggeration.'

And they also drink, smoke cigarettes and marijuana, and all of them have a steady. Almost all the girls have slept with someone,' she explained.

'But surely you don't have to do everything you see the others doing.'

'Not everything, but at least something. Particularly when. .' She checked herself.

'Particularly when your father is a pastor?'

'Everybody looks at me as if I was made from something else.'

'I regret that, but have you chosen the best way to prove you're made from the same stuff?'

'I chose the worst way — deliberately,' she said, with a sudden display of wilfulness.

'I have no doubt that it upset you the way the others looked at you, but I'm sure that they didn't all look at you that way. I'm sure that you had friends in your class too. So that probably wasn't the main reason.'

She raised the glass of wine and slowly sipped it. 'But I told you not long ago — the reason.'

'You did?'

'Emptiness.'

'Yes, I know. Emptiness at home with us.'

'And in myself.'

'I'm sorry. I'd hoped — I'd imagined that we were giving you something to fill that emptiness. More than some drug.'

That didn't fill it either. You just forgot about it for a while.'

'How?'

'You really want to know?'

'What do you forget about? The emptiness?'

'Everything. Yourself. That you're lonely, for instance. Speed becomes your friend. And I also felt stronger after it, that I could do all sorts of things.'

'What, for instance?'

'Be good at school. Be good to people. To love them. I had the feeling I'd be able to do anything I tried. Such as being able to carve a figure like you. Playing the piano the way you expect me to. And after grass, I had the feeling that time almost stood still, and that when time stands still you won't ever die. And I had this incredible urge to laugh at everything. I found that beautiful: that I could laugh. And I thought up tunes and poems. Really, fantastic poems.'

'Did you write them down?'

'No, that seemed totally pointless. Why write? I was just happy I had thought them up.'

'Happier than you'd feel normally?'

'Differently. But without it I never have felt very happy anyway'

'I'm sorry to hear that.'

'It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. It's just the way I am.'

'Evička, you know yourself that it won't make you happy. And there's an awful price to pay for that brief moment of happiness.'

'I know, Daddy. I've already given it up. I really have.'

8 Letters

Dear Dan,

I've arrived safely with Magda and Marek. As usual, we are occupying the little bedroom at the top of the house under the roof. It has a beautiful view

of the countryside with all three ponds clearly visible. Such splendid peace prevails everywhere. And then in the evening I was watching television and they showed the hospital where they had just admitted a little girl whose arm had been torn off and other people mutilated in the conflict and I began to be ashamed of indulging myself here, and of taking an extra month off, and it occurred to me that I could offer my services to them during this month. Apparently they have a shortage of doctors and medical staff of any kind. What do you think?

It would seem only right to me, but I was mentioning it to Mother and Magda overheard. She leapt on me and started to wail: Mummy, I'm not going to let you go anywhere. You'd get killed!

Magda is a good girl but she is incredibly lazy. When I ask her to pop to the shop for some yeast she looks at me as if I'd asked her to load a wagon with bricks. Today she slept in until ten thirty and was even astonished that I'd woken her. Yesterday a hornet flew into our room and she was so terrified she started to yell like a mad woman and crept under her bed. She stayed there until I had got rid of it. Marek, on the other hand, has mowed Mother's entire garden and whitewashed her pantry. Apart from that he has his head stuck in that thick book about the universe. When I happened to open it, I discovered some indecent pictures cut out from somewhere. I know there are nude pictures all over the place: on the television and on calendars, but even so, I'm disappointed in Marek. I haven't said anything to him, but perhaps you should have a talk with him and explain to him that it's not a good way to look at women. I know he argues with you sometimes, but you're the person he sets most store by. He'll be coming home in a few days' time as he wants to go with Eva to the protest camp near that nuclear power station. I don't know whether it's a sensible thing to do.

It's so difficult, Dan, to know what to make of today's world, to know what is right and what isn't, what is good for people and what is harmful. Mother finds it very hard to walk and her rheumatism is worse. How's your back? I left you some Brufen tablets — 400 mgs — in the medicine cupboard, just in case you get an attack.

Our young Pavel came and spent a day with us. As you know, he's bought himself a shop in the village and run himself into debt. Now he's worried and even opens up on Sundays. But what's the point, he won't sell more than people are able to buy from him. I also talked to him about Bosnia. His view is: They made their bed, now they've got to lie on it! I recalled where it

says in the Scriptures: Judge not lest ye be judged and also: Harden not your hearts lest misfortune befall ye — but my little brother just said that he has enough troubles of his own and can see no reason why he should also bother his head about people shooting at each other somewhere in foreign parts. Sorry for lumbering you with this chatter, I'd better finish.

Dan, please don't forget to water the house-plants — all of them, please! And if this dreadful heat wave continues (apparently you had 34 degrees in Prague), don't forget to spray the garden.

We still have more than a fortnight of our stay here left, but I'm already missing you terribly. I'm not accustomed to such long holidays, and I was a bit worried when we were leaving because I sensed you were having a hard time. Should you need me, just call and I'll come at once. You know you're the person I hold dearest.

Best wishes from Mother and me. With all my love, Hana

Dear Dad,

We're having a super time. We go swimming and for walks and muck about with the girls from the village. Grandma baked some curd and poppy-seed buns and they were the bestest and biggest in the whole world. Mum also said only Grandma knows how to bake buns like that. We've got five little angora bunnies, they look like fluffy tennis balls with red eyes. We say our prayers every night and we're all going to church on Sunday. I'm sending you a great big kiss, Love Magda.

P.S. Mum said she wrote and told you I'm lazy. Dad, I'm not lazy, I'm on holiday, that's all. You write too, please. I know you don't say bestest, but when I'm on holiday I can write what I like, can't I?

July 94

Dear Dan,

This is the beginning of my last week at this spa where Sam is being treated for one of his many conditions. I'm being a good wife and putting up with the boredom here, accompanying my husband to treatments, taking walks in

the colonnade, and talking to him about architecture and his health problems. When he takes his afternoon nap I slip away for a few moments to the little park in front of the hotel and yearn to be with you. I miss you so much, my darling, so very, very much!