Ivan Klima - The Ultimate Intimacy

I think to myself yes, but it depends what kind of love, in what

circumstances — but I am looking into those dark Jewish eyes, so full of passion and anxiety and pain, and instead of all the things that burden me at that moment I tell her that I love her.

The most terrible thing of all, it seems to me, is that it's true.

She would say: the most terrible and the most beautiful, because it joins that which cannot be joined, and maybe that's exactly the way life operates.

3

It was already dark as Daniel returned from the presbytery meeting. From a distance he could make out the figure of a man leaning against the lamp-post directly opposite the chapel.

'Waiting for me, Petr?' he asked when he reached him.

'Sort of, Reverend. But if you're busy, I can come back some other time.'

'Come along in. I'm always glad when you turn up. Besides, you haven't called on us for ages. Has anything happened?'

'No, apart from the fact that my sister's getting married.'

'That's good news, isn't it?'

'The guy she's marrying is decent enough, but I won't be able to stay there any longer.'

'Oh, yes. I forgot you've been living there. Have you somewhere else to go?'

'Not easy to find at the moment.'

'We'll come up with something. If you don't find anywhere, there's still another guest room here. But I'd have to talk to the elders.'

'Thank you, Reverend. I knew you wouldn't leave me in a fix.'

As they climbed the staircase Petr staggered and Daniel only caught him at the last moment. 'I had a couple of drinks at my sister's,' he said by way of explanation.

'So long as you didn't do anything worse. .'

'And I chucked in that job last week. I don't like gardening.'

'I suspected as much. Mr Houdek wrote to me about it. And can you think of something you'd enjoy more?'

'It's not really a matter of enjoyment, Reverend. The thing is I'd like

to achieve something and for that I need some education. And that means earning some money.'

'What would you like to achieve, Petr?'

'But I've already talked to you about it, Reverend. Id like to preach. Like you, for instance. So that I can tell people they must turn away from the darkness towards the light. Reverend, you've got a bit of an inkling, but I've known it at first hand — the horror that people live in.'

'I have to congratulate you on that ambition, Petr. But do you have any notion what you might do to earn more?'

'Possibly. But I don't know whether you'd approve.'

'I'll approve anything that's above board.' He led him into the room with the piano. Hana and the children were most likely in bed asleep. So he went to make some tea. He suspected bad news. It was the job of clergy to receive bad news. Worst of all he was still concealing bad news within himself and there was no one who could relieve him of it.

He came back with the tea. 'So how are you going to make a living? If you don't mind my asking.'

He shrugged. 'I could be a dealer.'

'In what?'

'Whatever was around.'

'That sounds fascinating. And what if they catch you?'

'They won't.'

'You said that once before.'

'I was still wet behind the ears then. I was operating solo. Or rather with a gang that was as stupid as I was. And anyway it wasn't good. I used to steal as well.'

'Whereas now you've decided that you'll deal honestly in drugs.'

'I haven't decided anything, Reverend. I've decided I want to do something useful with my life, but if I'm to do it, as I explained to you Reverend, I need to earn something. You can't do anything without money these days.'

'Your news doesn't please me. I thought you'd opted for a different way of life.'

'But I have. I haven't done anything wrong so far, have I?'

'Not so far… Petr, try and recall what you used to say to me when I visited you there. That you never wanted to end up behind bars again. And just a moment ago you were telling me you wanted to preach.'

'Straight up. I really do.'

'If you really mean it, you oughtn't to be considering such plans.'

'I mean it seriously. But you yourself say nobody can be without sin.'

'There are sins and sins, Petr. A preacher who sold drugs wouldn't be a good preacher.' A preacher who preaches the Ten Commandments and does not live by them can't be a good preacher either.

'But nobody would ever find out about it. There are things that nobody ever finds out about. Except the Lord, and he is merciful.'

Daniel suddenly felt uncomfortable and the lad noticed. 'No, straight up, Reverend, there's much less risk in that than in what you're doing. It's run by fellows with experience. There are all sorts of fail-safe mechanisms.'

'What do you mean? What risks am I taking?'

'Preaching. It's not so long ago that you had all sorts of hassles. With the police, I mean.'

'They were a different sort of hassle. And the times were different.'

'Except who helped you in those days? Nowadays if they catch a guy there's always someone who'll see to it they let him off.'

'How do they "see to it"?'

'Reverend, you're such a saintly man; you know very, very little about life. Everything can be seen to, everything's for sale if the money's high enough.'

'I'm not saintly. The opposite, more likely. And as far as big money is concerned, that's definitely not your case, Petr.'

'Exactly. And if I go on pushing a wheelbarrow I'll spend my life paying off debts, and I'll achieve… I won't achieve anything.'

'I'll tell you something, Petr. To manage to lead a decent life is quite an achievement, believe me. And that applies to you and me alike.'

'Reverend, I haven't made any decision yet. But you know full well that I have to pay the bill for the time I was inside and I have just a month to clear out of my sister's place. And even if you let me stay here, I can't stay here for ever. I want to lead a decent and useful life. I'd like to see something of the world and help people who are in a bad spot like I was. Advise me, then, if you know of some other way of earning some money.'

All of a sudden he was struck with alarm by a connection that hadn't even occurred to him before. 'Haven't you in fact already started in a small way?'

'What do you mean?'

'I mean selling drugs.'

Petr gave a diplomatic answer: 'Virtually no.'

'And in reality?'

'I don't get what you mean?'

'Eva, for instance. Did you sell her something?'

'Oh, come on, Reverend, it'd be like selling something to you.'

'And would you sell me it?'

'No, never!'

'Not even give it?'

'That would depend on whether you wanted it.'

And Eva did?'

Petr hesitated a moment. Then he said, 'No, she didn't.'

'She didn't even want to try it?'

'But everyone wants to try it at least once.'

'You louse.' Daniel took a step forward and raised his fist. Petr flinched and shielded his face with his arm. 'No, Reverend, don't ever think that of me. I talked her out of it!'

Daniel's fist remained clenched but he did not strike him.

'I really did talk her out of it, Reverend. I warned her off shooting speed. I gave her a bit of grass; that's less harmful than an ordinary ciggy.'

And did you give any to Marek and Alois?'

'No, no one else. I swear, Reverend. I didn't offer it to anyone here. Eva asked me for it. She told me she'd already tripped on speed twice but she didn't have any money to buy herself another trip. I told her to quit messing about with speed and I gave her the grass just so she'd have something at least. I reckon I did the right thing.'

'Yes, a really good deed, Petr!'

'Reverend, if I hadn't given it her, someone else would have got it for her. They'd get her something harder that she'd end up hooked on, like me that time. You've no idea, Reverend, how quickly it takes a hold on you, and Eva doesn't know yet.'