Ivan Klima - The Ultimate Intimacy

and am grateful to her for always having shared the good and bad with me, and there were more bad, or at least difficult, times than good ones. Maybe it's all inside me: maybe I'm incapable of awakening in her what is concealed in every human being … Or maybe I'm incapable of awakening it in myself. Maybe I lack experience of women. Jitka's death took me unawares. It's as if it thrust me into some enclosed space that I couldn't get out of, not even when I met Hana, not even when I was already living with her. Maybe we got married before we had a chance to cross the barrier that separates people from each other, to discover true intimacy.

In the absence of intimacy — the ability to confide one's most secret fears or the thoughts that scare one and that one is reluctant even to admit or put into words for oneself- love wastes away.

It looks as if they'll be releasing Petr on probation next week. So his lawyer tells me, at least. Petr is in a state of agitation about it. The last time I visited him he promised me he would start a completely new life when he came out. Steal? Never again, Reverend. I am a different person since you baptized me. Whoever is in Christ is born anew. . What is old has passed. That's how you told me it, wasn't it? He has a good memory for quotations and the ability to smile like a little boy. He looks the very picture of innocence. I praised him and told him I was pleased with him, and that Jesus was sure to be pleased with him also.

I am aware of being proud of having possibly turned one person aside from the path that led to self-destruction and evil in general. I remind myself that I am at best only the intermediary, but we're not entirely responsible for our feelings. I even mentioned Petr on television when I was invited to do a religious broadcast. I gave him as an example of how one ought not to condemn anyone out of hand. Whenever we reject people on grounds of prejudice, as many reject not only those who have transgressed in some way, but also all Romanies solely because they are different, we banish them to where they can be the butt of our judgement and censure. Conversely, whenever we are able to accept and trust, and support what is good in people, we reduce the level of social evil.

An extremely vivid dream. I saw Dad standing as if in a pillory. He was naked and he had a barrel stuck on his head. The barrel was transparent so I could see that he was bleeding from the temple. Then a uniformed guard appeared and struck the barrel with a long stick. Dad started to sway and then fell down dead on the ground.

When I found his name on the list, I was determined to investigate all the circumstances. To find out whether it was a mistake, a police forgery or Dad's attempt to ease his lot somehow. Only by then he was dead and apparently no one else has the right to check the facts of the case. Maybe I should have done a bit more investigating off my own bat, but it would have taken up too much time and I had so little of it to spare then. I was also afraid of what I might discover. Now it occurs to me that what I feared most was discovering the truth on account of Mum. Could I tell her at all? And could I keep on visiting her and not tell her? But now she's dead it's only myself I'd be sparing. I have asked Dr Wagner to advise me what action I might take in this matter. One is obliged to bury one's relatives with all possible dignity, Antigone knew that a long time ago.

3

Daniel invited Petr to dinner the day after his release. Alois, whom he had also invited, welcomed Petr with a hug, Hana even kissed him. Yet whenever the conversation at table turned to prison she would quickly change the subject. She wanted to protect Magda at least from such talk. After dinner she preferred to take her out of the room.

After they had gone, Alois voiced a thought that he had apparently been mulling over for some time. 'There's a difference. Petr stole and they released him, Jesus was innocent and he was crucified.'

'I'd rather not compare the two,' Daniel interrupted him.

'All the same, what you were saying in your sermon on Sunday about Pilate offering the Jews the release of Jesus, I found that a bit odd.'

'What makes you think so?'

'The way I see it, the kind who rule don't ask people who they should release and who they should hang.'

'Crucify.'

'Whatever. But Pilate was in charge there. If he really did ask, it'd look as if he was frightened of the ones who were shouting.'

'Maybe he was. There was always the threat of an uprising in Judah at that time. But otherwise its an interesting comment.'

Petr said, 'But everything's different these days compared to what it was then. Maybe Pilate suspected that it wasn't a man standing in front of him but the Saviour. These days they try villains and nobody cares about them so why should anyone ask people who they should release. And, besides, they don't hang people any more, they just lock them up until they go off their heads. But if anyone did ask the people, they'd say the best thing to do would be to hang all convicts straight off.'

'You're oversimplifying things a bit there, Petr,' Daniel said, unhappy with the direction the conversation was heading in.

'No way, Reverend. It's very cunningly thought out. Everyone thinks that it's all humane nowadays, but it could well be that things were better when they executed people straight off, than now when they just throw them in a dark hole to rot like old spuds or turnips.'

'But surely where there's life there's hope,' Eva spoke up.

Petr acknowledged that, but began to explain that bars weren't the worst things about prison, and it was even possible to get on with the warders sometimes. What destroyed you was constantly being surrounded by the same nutcases and perverts that there was no escape from. The same cons and the same talk: who had done what before they were sent down; the stupid mistakes they had made to end up inside; where money and pills could be obtained without trouble; where they could get women and how many they had had. Everyone would boast about all the things they would pull off when they eventually got out. But of course they never did those things and anyway they would be back inside before long. 'Thanks to you, my eyes were opened to that horror,' Petr said, turning to Daniel. 'I realized I was living in a world created by Satan.' He got more and more worked up as he spoke. Nobody could imagine what people were capable of. They tied a man, while still alive, to a metal beam and threw him in a lake. They would catch a girl, rape her and then cut off her breasts. And the money that circulated down there where people couldn't see! And when someone wanted to get rid of a guy they owed money to, they would just find a killer who would do him in for a couple of grand.

Petr was waving his hands as if trying to ward off the evil and shouting. His face underwent mild spasms and the scar on his cheek became livid. The lad felt a need to draw attention to himself and for that, like so many people, he needed evil. Either to practise it or to exorcise it. Daniel realized that the faces of his own children were unmarked in comparison — pure and childlike. As if the difference between Petr and Eva was not just a few years. If Petr was going to be coming here, and that would be desirable, there was going to be a new kind of authority in the house — certainly as far as Alois was concerned, and for his own children too, most likely. How could their life experiences compare with Petr's? Darkness was always tempting. The abyss, infidelity and sin were more attractive than the heights of fidelity and good works.

The best thing would be not to talk too much about Petr and let things return to their usual patterns as quickly as possible.