Ivan Klima - The Ultimate Intimacy

'I simply wanted to tell you that I was thinking about you even at that moment. Because I blame myself, Daddy, that I might have been the cause of what went wrong with your heart!'

'I could just as easily blame myself for being the cause of you and Petr going out together.'

'Exactly. I know you expected something else from me. That I disappointed you.'

'No. If anyone disappointed me, it was myself. Remember, you must live in such a way so as not to disappoint yourself

'I know, Daddy. But you always wanted me not to be like me but like Mummy.'

'I don't know what you mean.'

'You saw her in me, Daddy. But I couldn't be her because I was me.'

'That's perfectly in order. I'm fully aware of that.'

'But you used to compare me with her more and more. And I couldn't help but lose every time, because no one can be as good as someone who is already dead, that you only remember the beautiful things about.'

'I must say that never occurred to me. I didn't realize. If that's the way you felt, I'm really sorry.'

'I've been thinking a lot about everything. Ever since they brought you here and we've been worrying about you so much. Daddy, when I told you and also wrote to you that I might marry Petr straight away, that was the reason. I wanted to demonstrate that I was someone else. That I wasn't like Mum, that I was me. But at the same time I knew you were right, and that I ought to wait, that there was a chance I would be making up for a stupidity by committing an even worse one.'

'It's good you realized.'

'I'm not going to marry Petr. Not for the time being anyway. Not until I can be sure he'll change.'

'And you're doing it on your own account, not mine?'

'On my own account.'

'I'm glad. I wouldn't want you to be blackmailed by my illness.' He reached out to his daughter and squeezed her hand. 'I'm glad. Glad that you've taken that decision and glad you told me those things.'

'I'd like to help you get better.'

There was a knock at the door. Then Bára entered with a big bunch of roses. 'I've just brought you a few roses, Reverend. I don't want to disturb you.'

His heart gave a painful jolt.

'You can stay if you like,' Eva said. 'Dad will be glad of a visit, and I was going anyway.'

'Your daughter looks very well on it,' Bára said when they were on their own. 'You're not cross with me for coming?'

He took the bunch of roses from her and placed them in the vase on his bedside table.

'I just wanted to come and say hello. To see you and ask how you were. Please don't be cross with me, I couldn't bear not being able to see you.'

'For the last time?'

'For the last time, if that's what you want.'

'I didn't mean it that way.'

'I wanted to see for myself that you were getting better.'

'I'm feeling better. I am already up on my feet and I took a walk in the corridor yesterday. Today I'm allowed out into the garden. We could go out there together if you like. Thanks for the beautiful roses and for coming.' He took an envelope out of his bedside table and put it in his dressing-gown pocket. Even though they were now alone, it was better not to stay here.

'I'm not going to take up your time, Dan,' she said when they came out into the corridor. 'I really did just want to see you.'

'How did you find out?'

'At church, of course. From Ivana.'

They walked down the steps. Behind the building there were a number of benches on which the sun was now shining. They sat down. 'What have you gone and done to me, Dan?' she asked.

'I don't know. I once read that shortly before his death Kafka wrote: My brain and my lungs have ganged up on me behind my back. It looks as if my heart and brain have ganged up behind my back.'

'On me?'

'No, on me.'

'The sun doesn't bother you?'

'No, it doesn't.'

'Does it bother you that we can be seen here?'

'I didn't say anything was bothering me.'

'I've been missing you, Dan. Awfully. And I was so afraid for you, from the moment you didn't come that Monday.'

'It's the first time I didn't turn up when I promised. I thought about it when I came round, how you must have waited in vain.'

'Dan, that wasn't important, was it? Nothing was important but your life and ever since Ivana gave me the news I've thought about nothing else.'

He had the impression Bára was holding back tears. 'I didn't want to burden you with extra worries on top of all the ones you had already. I never wanted that.'

'You're hardly going to apologize, are you?'

'Any change at home?' he asked.

'None. Saša sends his regards. He says he's thinking about you and hoping you get better. Apart from that, the place is as cold and silent as a freezer. The only warmth I ever got was with you. And when you didn't turn up I knew something had happened. Something really bad, otherwise you wouldn't have abandoned me without saying a word.'

'I called you from here. Several times, but there was never any reply. I took it to be an omen.'

'Of what?'

'I don't know. That I'd never get through to you.'

'I know what you mean. An omen that I don't belong to you. No, it wasn't an omen, we were just away for a few days. I couldn't stand being in a city where you were lying ill and I wasn't allowed to visit you.'

He felt her closeness. Here she was sitting next to him again, drawing him to her again.

'Do you realize it's already over a year since I first came to hear you preach?'

'Of course. I could hardly forget that day, could I?'

And we once sat together on a bench in Veltrusy Park, remember?'

'My heart may be in a mess, but there's nothing wrong with my head.'

'There are some things you remember more with your heart than your head.'

And my heart's alive too for the time being.'

'Does your wife visit you here?'

'Yes. She takes care of me.'

'That's good. Even though I envy her. I'd like to visit you and take care of you.'

'Thank you. Thank you for coming now.'

'Dan, don't worry about anything,' she said. 'I unloaded so many of my woes on you and now I feel guilty that they were only the woes of a spoilt brat. You're not to worry about anything. You must give your heart a rest.'

'I'm trying to.'

'I wrote you a letter, but don't read it now.' She took an envelope from her handbag. 'Though I'd better not give it to you now either. Another time.'

'It's not entirely certain I'll have another time.'

'No, you're going to live. I wanted to tell you that I will love you to the end of my days. You were a revelation to me and will remain so even if we never see each other again.'

'Thank you. I wrote you a letter too.' He pulled the envelope from his pocket.

'All right, I'll give you mine too. It's like an exchange of diplomatic notes,' she said. 'The meeting took place in an atmosphere of mutual friendship. Shall I walk you back?'

'Perhaps not.'

'I'd like to stay with you. We never had much time to stay together, especially me. Now I regret it. I blame myself. Maybe I'll still make up fork.'

'Don't blame yourself for anything. It's not the amount of time that matters. Most of the time quantity doesn't matter, even though everything tends to be measured by quantity.'

'I know. I'm grateful to you for everything. I know it's something you're not supposed to measure, but it was more than I had ever received and more than I deserved. I'd better go now before your wife comes. Get well. Get well as quickly as you can, and don't worry about anything.'

He went to put his arm around her but stopped short. They were too much on display. But what did that matter seeing he might not be alive tomorrow?

She noticed the unfinished movement and kissed him on the lips. 'Thank you for everything, Dan!'

'I thank you too.'