J. Donleavy - Schultz

“Thanks Al, we’re going to need it.”

“But Sigmund. Don’t let the constant crisis of show business blind you to the rest of your responsibilities. I’m getting messages from your beautiful wife’s mother. She is unhappy that her daughter seems to need her now and she wants to be near her.”

“Al. Never. Never is she, that two ton bitch going to move into my house. It’s final.”

“She loves her daughter Sigmund.”

“Shit. Stop. Not now. Enough. Al. No more. Don’t meddle in my life. Please.”

“Sigmund I’m trying to help.”

“You’re not helping. That two ton whale is never going to crush her weight down on one of my dining room chairs and fill her face with my groceries. Especially while I’m sex starved by her daughter already.”

“That’s the first decent thing that I’ve heard happen to you in years.”

“Well I’ll tell you what else happened. Besides clap, hemorrhoids and horrors. She threw water on an electric fire, and fused the lights. In the dark I grabbed my tube of athelete’s foot paste to brush my teeth with and nearly died of poison.”

“Ha ha ha. A hercules like you should put it on your erections too.”

“O yeah Al you think that’s funny do you.”

“Come on enjoy a laugh don’t be a big cry baby Sigmund.”

“With the show opening tonight. And everything else that’s been happening. You want me to laugh Al.”

“Sure.”

“At this moment I am ready to get permanently hysterical. The sixteen clackers I’ve hired to beat their fucking palms together and bring the house down with bravos are holding me to ransom for double the pay we agreed. Let me tell you the show could fall on its face.”

“Sigmund, nothing fatal can go wrong for a genius impresario like you.”

“Al, you can make all kinds of remarks to me but Jesus, don’t right now give me sarcasm. In front of me I got a lawyer’s letter delivered by hand two minutes ago. Claiming his client, who would you believe it, sings about fifteen lines in the whole show, has been grievously libeled in the program. With his name misspelled sounding like a four letter dirty word. And that he is married and the father of five kids.”

“That’s not libelous for christ’s sake, that’s an olympic qualification these days.”

“O yeah Al, well if it’s not libelous it’s god damn dangerous then. The guy happens to be a real genuine bachelor. At dress rehearsal last night he brought his nice Jewish prospective mother and father in law to the show, who, even before the curtain went up left their seats out front and attacked him physically backstage over what they read in the program. And what this news did to their daughter.”

“Sigmund, it’s minor, minor. You should worry about the major.”

“Don’t worry this is major. I don’t need broken sound equipment into which we both smashed when he was trying to sock me after his prospective in laws left in a huff. Shit Al, I’m already way over budget. I would have swatted the fucker through the wall only I can’t find a replacement in time. His lawyer now wants all the billing and the page in the program reprinted in four hours.”

“Sigmund. Give me the lawyer’s number. All right. And you forget all about it. Don’t worry about a thing. See you at the theatre. I’m bringing my very own wonderful beloved with me.”

“I thought she was shy.”

“I’m pulling her there by the hair. You’ve got my deepest sincerest best wishes for a real all time smash hit.”

“Sure Al. I know I have. Because you got your own two thousand in it.”

“Goodbye, Mr. Cynic.”

Binky loftily raising his eyebrows from his book. Shifting his foot on his gout stool and frowning as he turned to stare out at the cloud gathering sky.

“Ah Schultz. One feels that theatrical history is being made on this sombre London afternoon. I couldn’t help overhearing your little chat. And especially your statement concerning your lack of what one takes to be satisfaction in sexual matters.”

“Binky it’s opening night. Is that all the thoughts you can come up with.”

“Ah Schultz, you do don’t you, demand such unrelenting devotion to duty. And yet here we are. Such momentous change wrought in our lives. All three of us snugly cosily married. And for you to say at such an early stage that you are sex starved.”

“I am.”

“Dear me then. You must learn to sublimate Schultz.”

“You just tell me how, Binky.”

“Well there are so many things. Anti blood sports for a start. Take this little tome I have here, The Moral Justification of Foxhunting, written by a dear old uncle of mine. Who felt rather strongly on the subject. You could vigorously oppose the pursuit and killing of the fox. Attend meetings. Fire off letters to the press. Considering our three positions one must think of preparing a good clean sportsmanlike world for the next generation coming.”

“What three positions.”

“Haven’t you heard, the new Countess of Nectarine is rumoured to be with child. Therefore the future concerns all three of us deeply. Even the subject of the child bearing role of women in society.”

“Holy shit, his Lordship is going to have a baby, that’s great. He must have put it up before the wedding.”

“Well Schultz, you know how his R. G. is not past a little playfulness now and again. With all due respect of course to his most marvellous dear wife.”

“Holy shit Binky. I’m getting the fuck out of here back to the theatre. Jesus you can sit wasting hours.”

“Ah business, business, always business, not a moment for tackling the mysteries of life. Just as tea is coming. Why don’t you have a cup, Schultz.”

“How can you stay so calm about the show Binky.”

“Simply Schultz, because I have such absolute faith in you.”

“Christ maybe I will sit down. Jesus we haven’t seen each other for a while. And you know, you can do my confidence wonders sometimes.”

“I’m glad Schultz. And I do so miss our little chats. We must not let our marriages come between us. Ah Rebecca, what a very splendid yummy sight, thank you my dear, put the tray there so Mr. Schultz has no trouble reaching. And stop all calls please. This poor man does slave so that we must try to provide him with a quiet moment or two of diverting reverie. Tea weak or strong Schultz.”

“I’ll take it any fucking way you do, Binky.”

“Ah, weak then. And do, please select a gateaux Schultz. Take that one, for starters, a light airy lemon roll fresh in from Fortnum’s. Now Schultz. Do sit there a moment, so that I may smile at you. Dear me. Penis out in front of the cast. Understandable of course. In view of your starved state. But good gracious me, is wedlock cramping your style.”

“You heard, a fucking colossus mother in law trying to move in on me.”

“Ah Schultz you should spread out your life a little.”

“Like how. Tell me. With that solid two tons blocking my way.”

“Most normal people keep a discreet flat in London as well as a town house. Then together with a country house perhaps in southerly Sussex and a grouse moor with suitable accommodation in northerly Scotland, bob is your rud.”

“That’s normal huh. Well I’ve already gone abnormal trying to keep up with the one place I got and may not even have much longer where instead of bob being my rud, electricity is nearly my executioner.”

“O dear. We must somehow help you Schultz we must.”

“Now you tell me Binky if wedlock has cramped your style.”

“Ah Schultz. I’m rather glad you ask me that. Indeed it has rather cramped mine. As you know most normal Englishmen do have their little fetishes. I mean, if only his Royal Grace didn’t keep his personal life so private I’m sure we’d find that even he has his. But by the way Schultz, surely you have had a wee tiny taste of the whip.”