J. Donleavy - Schultz

“Schultz, not a pair of shotguns to be seen and still you manage to fall flat on your face.”

“I know Binky, I know. And this topper is the first fucking hat I ever really looked good in.”

“I must say I did at the commotion nip back into the shadows here in case someone thought I knew you.”

“They were trying to stop me coming in, my invitation got torn up in the turmoil of my life.”

“How ever did you get in through the strict security Schultz.”

“You saw me. The guests took me through by the armpits.”

“Schultz, you do amaze me. Here. For your buttonhole. This specially hued carnation from his Royal Grace’s conservatory will identify you as a special friend of the groom’s. But my, but for your little tumble, and your squashed topper, you do look quite splendid.”

“I got blinded by a flash bulb and pushed. The publicity, holy christ, why didn’t you tell me. Some of these people here are legendary. I could have told our publicist to come. The show could use this publicity.”

“It has rather brought a lot of folk crawling out of Debrett and the pages of history but I hardly think Schultz that many of them care to hit showbizz headlines before they crawl back in again.”

“What a fucking waste. Jesus look at this. Not a profile, not a countenance out of place. Except yours truly. Jesus, who’s that, who’s that. What a handsome distinguished looking guy.”

“That is his Royal Grace’s former university tutor.”

“Who’s that. Who’s that.”

“That is a former Conservative Prime Minister.”

“He’s got such impeccable dignity. Hey what are you doing hanging around here at the door. And I thought you and his Lordship were having a joint wedding.”

“In answer to your first question Schultz an armoured security vehicle should appear any moment with the ring and other assorted baubles which I’m ashamed to say as best man and after a rather hectic night, I forgot to bring for his Royal Grace. In answer to your second. Alas my little Lady’s pa the Duke and especially her ma the Duchess, are, at the second thought of my being their son in law, to use one of your own nice little phrases, having kittens and due to their daughter’s tummy now risen quite noticeably we’re to be married in the Duke’s private chapel hidden behind some rhododendrons in their garden.”

“Pregnancy. Don’t remind me. But his Lordship’s bride. She’s a real knockout.”

“Good heavens Schultz, but of course. You didn’t expect his Royal Grace, after his exhausting years of searching, to move an unlikely filly into his stables. She is also Schultz, along with her stunning eyes, lilting voice, and creamy complexion, a vivacious conversationalist.”

“I can’t wait to talk to her.”

“And when you do Schultz, you will find her witty, compassionate and understanding.”

“What else for christ’s sake.”

“Good bone, strong quarters, nice shoulder, perfect gaskins. In short an ample but thoroughbred figure. Works on behalf of many charities and is dedicated to a multitude of good causes. She is often to be seen serene at public functions and ceremonies. She has been to his Royal Grace a ministering angel in his recent dark hours suffering from swollen tonsils and toothache. She can illuminate hope in any man’s blackest despair. She has wisdom and poise. She bears tragedy with an iron constancy.”

“Holy shit stop Binky. Before I collapse in envy. Tell me something wrong with her.”

“In one of her occasional but violent bursts of temper, she pushed his Royal Grace fully clothed into a chilled tub of bath water while expressing one of her strongly held opinions which his Royal Grace was at the time disputing.”

“God you fuckers, you end up with everything I’m dying to find in a woman, like consideration instead of cunning, discretion instead of deceit, like backbone instead of bitching.”

“Ah Schultz, you’re such a romantic, but you must now excuse me as I see his Royal Grace’s baubles have arrived.”

Amid the marble statues and memorials, grey coated ushers in a rush at the appearance of two foreign reigning sovereigns. Escorting them between the phalanxes of dignitaries from Church and State, from the military and industry. Vestments of Bishops and Archbishops on the altar. Red, blues and greens glowing high in the stained glass windows. The nearby massive booming bell of Big Ben. Throbbing chords of organ music. Voices of the choir. The Abbey echoing. Ladies heads turning with their hats of yellows, purples, pinks and creams. Perfumes, incense, rustling dresses. Jesus the elegance is crippling. Everywhere you look. Why wasn’t I born with relations and friends like this all so fucking polite and good looking. Wearing clothes and high quality leather goods you couldn’t find within ten miles of my parents’ store. The diamonds alone would make Uncle Werb have an apoplectic fit of envy that he didn’t have the mark up on the gems. What marvellous singing. The whole church shaking. Here they come, gold braid all over her father. Holy christ she’s even more gorgeous than Binky says. Giving me, all the way from nowhere, a fucking erection right in this pew. For the first time I know what my mother meant when she said I was too good to play with anybody else on my block.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of god, and in the face of this congregation.”

Stifled coughs erupting in the hush. A child’s voice. I must I must nanny, do wee wee. Holy shit, down to earth human nature has intruded at last. Binky with all these important people around looks like he’s up there shaking with laughter or nervousness. Who wouldn’t be, watching his Lordship get tied up like this. After all the time they’ve been wantonly satisfying carnal lusts and appetites like brute beasts in Sperm Productions, they then, just like magic go get spliced to creatures of quality.

“I require and charge you both, as ye will answer at the dreadful day of judgement when the secrets of all hearts shall be disclosed that if either of you know any impediment.”

The echoing vowels of the grey headed bishop. The figures before him. Wow is he kidding, I ask you, who could find an impediment. Jesus the difference between people in this world. In the early struggling days of my father’s first store a customer came in near closing time after a whole day of hardly any turnover and between my mother and father tearing her to bits between them reducing the price to sell her something the woman could hardly escape she was having so many bargains pushed in her face.

“Basil, Andrew, George, Albert wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife.”

The voice resonating in all this ancient history. A child whimpering. Jesus. I love the words. Wilt thou obey, serve, love, honor, keep him in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, keep thee only unto him. Just like having a stray au pair at your mercy. His Lordship real close now. Wilt thou, Violet, Elizabeth, Alexandra, Felicia take thee, Basil, Andrew, George, Albert, to thy wedded husband, for good times and better times, for richer or millions, for healthier holidays, castles and estates. Any second now. With this ring I thee wed. And it’s curtains. With all my endless goods I thee smother. In the name of his Lordship’s forests, railroads, ranches, mines, distilleries, amen. Jesus what women won’t do to get up that fucking aisle. They’ll even sacrifice the man they love.

“Those whom God hath joined together let no man put asunder.”

The organ thundering. The choir in full voice bellowing. This moment I can’t forget for the rest of my life. It’s just too beautiful. Makes me want to cry. The new radiant Countess beaming. Coming along the aisle. Marching out on his Lordship’s arm. Whispering nodding little hellos to the smiling faces in the rows of pews.