J. Donleavy - Schultz

“Or Schultz, how you can get everybody to take a cut in salary.”

“That’s right too, Binky.”

“But Schultz such girls as those gently invited to frequent our humble offices are an entirely different sort from those young ladies one brings home to introduce to one’s long admired mommie or to one’s nice dear old nanny. This is Schultz our last week on earth as single men.”

Twilight descending over the great hollow silence. A castle bell high in the battlements tolling the hour. A breeze flapping the edge of linen table cloth. Rain beginning to fall slantingly across the parkland. Deer with their nervous little steps, lifting and lowering their heads, grazing slowly from the edge of huge shadowy trees, and moving down the hillside. The distant western sky faintly streaked pink. His Lordship’s wicker chair squeaking as he leaned back to Stretch his corduroy trousered legs. One sock wool and blue, the other silk and black. His long tapering fingers cutting paths in the condensation on the side of his wine glass. His cold blue smiling eyes sparkling and a breeze lifting back a blond lock of hair from his brow.

“Holy shit, I don’t want to scare you guys but looking at the two of you, such specimens of beauty. For the third time in my life I realise that given the setting, the encouragement, and the banishment of women from the world, I could become a raving homosexual.”

“Well dear me Schultz, how nice of you to interject this most piquant emotional departure. I was only this very second teasing myself with a rather risqué little fantasy of a game I plan to play with my soon to be wife. Perhaps we might make it a threesome.”

“Shit. Sure. Why not.”

“And of course Schultz, let me further hasten to add, that although his Royal Grace may not be, I distinctly am most excited by your totally unexpected observation. Now if you were a wee bit more, shall we say, willowy. Who knows. What do you think Basil my dear, shall I for a start, begin by calling you Dorothy. For myself I rather like the plain name Jane. And Schultz certainly is every bit attractive enough for us to immediately start calling him Sabrina.”

“Binky please do allow me a second to anchor my chair before Schultz jumps on me so near the moat. If you haven’t, I at least have had sufficient unencouraged attention in that quarter.”

“No panic, your Lordship. But if there were women here, would we be sitting contented like this. Not worried whether Hollywood was calling. Sipping wine. Talking. With the whole fucking world around us in absolute peace.”

“Schultz if I may say so it is charming the way you are so easily pleased.”

“Sure I am your Lordship. It’s the fucking marvellous atmosphere. Gives me a constant erection. Makes you wonder why in the world everyone is fighting, pushing and causing trouble. Jesus, this is why. Because everyone wants to be like this. In all this fucking god damn bliss.”

Binky, a long black cigarette holder lifted between his fingers, as his confidentially tempered whisper forced a smile to the corner of his lips.

“Yet Schultz from all this seeming contentment, I understand you are attempting to entice away a member of his Royal Grace’s household.”

“Jesus how did you know that Binky. Holy shit your Lordship what have you got going, a spy ring. You want to imprison a beautiful girl like that here.”

“Schultz I assure you, although we do have our dungeons, shackles and chains and many windows barred, this is not a correctional institution.”

“Well can’t you transfer her to another castle of yours closer to town. Or let me take her off your hands.”

“Good god Schultz. Not on your Nelly.”

“But your Lordship that girl could really go places out in the world. Her fucking blue eyes, her tits. Her waist couldn’t be more than twenty two inches. Jesus even what I can see of her ankles. She’s a real dream. Unspoilt and charming. I want her for the chorus line of the show.”

“By god Schultz, you have your nerve. And I suppose she is to be taught her footwork down your town house cellars with all your other teeming screaming au pairs awaiting their turn to be kicked out into the inclemencies of the London streets.”

“Holy shit you guys make me out to be some kind of roué or something.”

“Ah Schultz of course his Royal Grace does not want to incarcerate a lovely lady. But sometimes I do seriously wonder if we are ever going to succeed in making you understand the difficulties, the frustrations and yes, I dare to say it, the thankless heartbreak of this land owning way of life.”

“I understand it, don’t worry. I’m right here remember getting a front row view of you guys. In all your rural frustration and heartbreak. Hey Jesus your Lordship, how many places have you got like this.”

“Ah Schultz I hope you will not take offense, but on such an agreeable afternoon one prefers not to contemplate such matters.”

“Well let me tell you I’ll take one of them off your hands anytime.”

On this last evening, dinner arrived in four courses. Batters with his tiny hand claps as footmen swept in and out. Asparagus soup and sherry. Trout and Chablis. Partridge and Clos de Tart. Trifle and champagne. Vintage port and cigars. And repairing to the billiard room Schultz got directions to go for a pee.

“Turn right. Turn left. Third door on your right Schultz. You will find my grandfather’s reserved water closet. It requires some effort to lift the seat but you will be rewarded by an exquisitely decorated Meissen toilet bowl.”

Schultz these seconds later, face white as a sheet, bursting into the room. His prick hanging out of his fly. Cobwebs all over him, head to foot.

“Hey Jesus christ. I opened up the fucking door you told me. And right as I’m going to piss I lift up the fucking seat the light goes off. And down from the ceiling behind me drops a fucking whole human skeleton dangling glowing in the dark.”

Binky holding his stomach lurching about tripping over his cue. And his Lordship knocking over a pole screen as he too fell back laughing.

“Hey you guys did this. Deliberately. Just to ruin my peace of mind. Holy shit, look at me and you’re just laughing.”

“Ah Schultz we are looking and I regret laughing and I do apologise. It’s an old joke my grandfather was fond of playing. To jolt guests out of their drunkenness.”

“Well I pissed all over myself for christ’s sake. I could have had a heart attack. Jesus your Lordship, you know sometimes I think you’re highly irresponsible.”

Schultz, his nerves calmed, having been personally conducted by his Lordship to another water closet sans skeletons. Now set out in boots and tuxedo for his Lordship’s favourite sport, badger watching. The three of them making their way down a hillside through the forest paths to stand silently and motionlessly in a dank vale, chillingly waiting for one of these nightly creatures to come crawling by in the moonlight.

“Holy jumping christ the fucking thing is stepping on me.”

“Damn you Schultz don’t scream and run. Trust you to ruin what promised to be a most memorable night of badger watching.”

“Holy fuck you already have me a nervous wreck scaring the shit out of me in the crapper now you want me to let wild animals maybe bite me.”

Departing Londonwards that Tuesday after lunch. A gentle rain out of heavy grey clouds. His Lordship’s faithful retinue lined up to say goodbye. Umbrellas held over their heads entering the motor car. Roxana peeking round from an upstairs window. Schultz having deposited five pounds on his dresser with a note.

Dear Roxana,

You gorgeous creature. Now don’t forget what I told you. Give me a tinkle as soon as the spirit takes you to flee Alcatraz up to the big smoke.