Jarett Kobek - I Hate the Internet

Capitalism, the awful stench of men, historical anachronisms, death threats, violence, human bondage, faddish popular culture, despair, unrestrained mockery of the rich, threats of sexual violation, weak iterations of Epicurean thought, the comic book industry, the death of intellectualism, being a woman in a society that hates women, populism, an appalling double entendre, the sex life of Thomas Jefferson, genocide, celebrity, the Objectivist philosophy of Ayn Rand, discussions of race, Science Fiction, anarchism with a weakness for democracy, the people who go to California to die, millennial posturing, ~550KB of mansplaining, Neo-Hellenic Paganism, interracial marriage, elaborately named hippies practicing animal cruelty on goats, unjust wars in the Middle East, 9/11, seeing the Facebook profile of someone you knew when you were young and believed that everyone would lead rewarding lives.

Long after she had committed the only unforgivable sin of the Twenty-First Century, someone on the Internet sent Adeline a message.

The message read: “Dear slut, I hope that you are gang-raped by syphilis infected illegal aliens.”

The Internet was a wonderful invention. It was a computer network which people used to remind other people that they were awful pieces of shit.

Adeline received this message because she had committed the only unforgivable sin of the early Twenty-First Century. But before she could arrive at that really big mistake, she had to make several smaller ones.

Some of her other mistakes: (1) She was a woman in a culture that hated women. (2) She’d become kind of famous. (3) She’d expressed unpopular opinions.

Being a kind of famous woman who expressed unpopular opinions in a culture that hated women was in itself a serious mistake, but neither it nor its constituent parts were the big one.

The big one was something else.

The above offers only one possible interpretation of the message, with both spelling and grammar adjusted for clarity. The original read: “Drp slut… hope u get gang rape…. bi bunch, uv siphilis elegial alines…………”

It is possible that “elegial alines” was not referencing the citizens of foreign countries who arrive in America by methods other than state-approved visas and green cards.

It is also possible that “drp slut” was something other than a general salutation followed by one of the hundreds of derogatory English terms for women. A “drp slut” could be any number of things.

“Drp” itself is somewhat tricky, as it lacks vowels. It might be short for derp, a common Internet neologism denoting stupidity. And while “drp” is rendered as dear it could as easily be deep .

“Slut” is one of the hundreds of derogatory English terms for women. These terms attach importance to the number of a woman’s sexual partners. There are no equivalent terms for men, which is some straight up bullshit.

“Slut” is also the Danish word for end.

When stores in Denmark approached the final days of a merchandise sale, the proprietors of these stores tended to put up signs announcing a slutspurt .

Slutspurt was a colloquialism which meant end of the sale. Slutspurts were often embarrassing for Danes who hosted native English speakers.

It was possible that whoever sent Adeline the message was fluent in both English and Danish. It was possible their conjunction of the Danish word for end and “drp” was an erudite multilingual gambit, referencing the deep end of something. Perhaps a swimming pool.

On the other hand, the message was sent by someone on the Internet. They were probably just another dumb asshole who hated women.

In the 1990s, when Adeline was in her early twenties and just out of college, she and her friend Jeremy Winterbloss started working together on a comic book called Trill. It was published in 32 page monthly pamphlets, with the art in black-and-white.

Adeline drew the pictures. Jeremy Winterbloss wrote the words.

Trill followed the story of an anthropomorphic cat named Felix Trill as he moved his way through a quasi-medieval world, discovering haunting vistas while battling other anthropomorphic animals.

Most of Trill was about a series of wars between anthropomorphic cats and anthropomorphic dogs. This changed with issue #50, when both sides put aside their differences and realized that they had a mutual enemy: hairless apes with a tendency towards fervent monotheism.

This shift in focus followed several months of Jeremy ingesting a prodigious number of psychedelic drugs.

During one acid trip, Jeremy had a vision of Felix Trill. The creation talked to its creator. Due to Jeremy’s misfiring neurochemistry, Felix Trill spoke with the voice of an old burnout.

“Hey man,” said Felix Trill to Jeremy, “You got it all mixed-up. The way you write me. It’s a real bummer. Because me and the dogs and all the other animals, we’re only fingers dipping below the surface of the ocean, and you’re a fish, deep in the hazy water, and you know the thing about fish, man, fish are full of hang-ups. You’re so uptight that all you see is the divided fingers. That’s your hassle, not ours. None of us can get with that trip. Your limited perception, man, is making you see five separate entities. You can’t see that me and the dogs and the other animals are all connected, we’re all part of the same hand. Five fingers, one hand. The hand is the important thing, brother. You gotta get more cosmic. Don’t be so heavy on the details. Keep it cool, friend.”

Adeline and Jeremy published seventy-five issues of Trill before changes in the market made the project unprofitable.

Issue #75 appeared in 1999.

Jeremy earned a decent living off Trill . Adeline lived off the money too, but she didn’t have the same needs as Jeremy. Adeline’s family was rich.

She was from Pasadena, California. She grew up there during the 1970s and 1980s.

Her father had been an oral surgeon who performed a wide range of dental procedures on some very famous people.

The heart of Adeline’s father had exploded a few hours after he put a cap on the lower left incisor of two-time Academy Award winner Jason Robards.

Jason Robards was one of those character actors who earns respect and accolades during his working life and is forgotten as soon as he dies. He won his Academy Awards in 1977 and 1978.

The first Academy Award was for playing Ben Bradlee, the editor of the Washington Post, in a film called All the President’s Men. The second Academy Award was for playing Dashiell Hammett, author of The Glass Key and The Maltese Falcon, in a film called Julia.

Both movies were based on books in which the respective authors presented self-aggrandized visions of themselves confronting the systemic evil of governments.

Both movies were better than the books on which they were based. Almost all movies are better than books. Most books are quite bad.

Like this one.

This is a bad novel.

Adeline’s father left his money to Adeline’s mother, who turned out to be better at business than Adeline’s father.

Adeline’s mother was named Suzanne. Suzanne made sure that both Adeline and Adeline’s sister, Dahlia, would never want for nothing.

Suzanne was a failed actress who met Adeline’s father while waiting tables at a coffee shop on Wilshire Boulevard. She’d been an extra in several episodes of Gidget, a television show about a teenaged girl who enjoys surfing.