Bruce Wagner - I'll Let You Go

Ralph sat on a stool, across from a Sub-Zero the size of a giant’s armoire. The handsome, mordantly stubbled face with dimpled chin, hollowed cheeks and tormented eyes reminded Tull of a monk in flight from a monastery — never mind that Trinnie had decked him out in Dries and motocross Menichetti and in six scant weeks addicted him to Keratase emulsions, Hortus Mirabilis elixirs, Lorenzo Villoresi aftershaves and the arcane almond pastes of Santa Maria Novella. Today he wore an absurd Edwardian tux that made Louis Trotter look positively staid. The popinjay’s head hung heavily, mocked by the pots and pans that dangled around him in cheerful, coppery profusion.

“Hey, Ralph.”

He looked up, annoyed. “ Why do you call me that?”

“Sorry. I forget.”

With a grunt, Tull broke the vacuum’d death grip of the Sub-Zero and began to forage.

“Do I fuck with your name? Do I call you ‘Teal’?”

Tull phonily mused. “You can call me that.” That was bogus; it would have irritated him no end. Lugging Tupperware filled with Southern-fried leftovers from the shelves, he changed tack. “Did you hear about the tapir? It pulled off a zookeeper’s arm. It was on the news.”

“There’s a rocky island near San Francisco,” said Ralph smugly, “where some naturalists live. They saw a sea lion wash ashore, its ass bit off by a shark, clean. It lived for days, shimmying along on the front fins — whenever the thing tried to rest, a gull would come give it a little peck and it’d move on. This went on for days .”

“That’s rad.”

“A perfect marriage of Beckett and Bosch.” He simpered, then dementedly shrieked, “Teal!” like a sadistic gull himself. The boy recoiled, glowering.

“Oh! Then there’s the whale that got trapped too far inland when the water started icing up — Alaska or something. The polar bears just sat in a ring around the hole swiping at it while a shark had his way from underneath. Oh, the natural world! How pristine and unforgiving! Like Hollywood, no?” He wriggled and sneered and cockadoodled: “Teal! Teal!”

Tull lost his cool. “If you want your name pronounced Rafe , then why don’t you just spell it that way? With an f instead of an l ?”

While it wouldn’t be fair to say that Tull baited his mother’s “friend”—the latest, most tolerable of a line of friends stretching as far back as he could remember — he wasn’t exactly indifferent.

“How would you know how I spell it?” asked the poseur.

“Mom said.”

“Oh. In your many discussions. Of me.”

“We were talking about Ralph Fiennes, the actor”—Tull used the l again, as in Ralph’s Foodmarket , and egregiously rhymed Fiennes with Viennas —“and she said you pronounced yours the same way.”

“It’s Rafe !” he furied, nostrils flaring. “Rafe Fines!” The thirtysomething self-anointed screenwriter from Colorado drew a hand through long, gel’d hair. “In this town, unless you’re very lucky, unless you’re Ron Bass ”—he spat the name out like pus—“you need something else, something small and subliminal. What the Jews call minor shtick.” Tull greedily set upon half a cold chicken, green peas and whipped potatoes. “Take ‘Rafe Fines.’ You brought him up. ‘Rafe Fines’ ”— he called out the name as if he were announcing the nominees for the Golden Globes—“is a ‘double hit.’ You read ‘Ralph,’ but you hear ‘Rafe.’ You read ‘Fee-ehnnez’ but hear ‘Fines.’ The juxtaposition makes it memorable. It oscillates. And that’s especially true of a ‘double hit.’ ”

“Where’s Candelaria?” asked the boy offhandedly.

“I sent the servants home,” answered Ralph, deliberately camp. “Mirdling’s Name Theorem: the small, strange thing that perceptually sets you apart. There’s something so rune-like about Rafe, so rarefied . When you take that rune-like, rarefied thing and make silk from the sow’s ear, ‘Ralph’—”

“You know what? You’re getting to be like the nutty professor. And who’s ‘Mirdling’?”

“My last name.”

“You should change it. Where’s Mom?”

“Getting ready. Your cousins are here, you know.”

“What’s with the tux?”

“Black-tie gala for ten thousand, to honor … Ron Bass .”

“What is your problem with Ron Bass?”

“I don’t have a problem.”

“You’re always going off—”

“Going off?”

“He doesn’t even fit your theorem.”

“Oh yes he does. There’s ‘Bass’—you read it much more than you hear it. An inner voice forever asks: fish or tone? Add the confounding banality of Ron to the oscillating fish-music of Bass and you’ve got a cognitive dissonance—”

“I still don’t know why you’re so freaked.”

The Beau Brummell squealed, kicking up his python boots in a retarded jig. “Did you know Ron Bass’s first nine films took in a billion dollars worldwide? Or that he gets up at three forty-five in the morning to write, seven days a week? That’s why his company is called Predawn Productions. And I’ll tell you something else: Ron Bass skips breakfast because digesting food makes him logy . Ron Bass doesn’t use a computer — huh-uh. He writes on yellow loose-leaf with number-two Sundance pencils made by Blackfeet Indians. Ron Bass, as you probably know, is a legendary mentor, with an inner circle of story-structuring Pradacunts who paste and fax and generally work those three acts like crack whores on a cock. ‘I’m not comparing myself to Mozart,’ said Ron Bass in a recent interview with the L.A. Times , ‘but is the Jupiter Symphony any less magnificent because he worked so much and so fast?’ Do you want to know what Ron Bass does on weekends? I’ll tell you what he does on weekends: he writes! And then he takes his German shepherd to the farmers’ market in Santa Monica on Pico and buys hummus. (Gerry the German shepherd — could have used some help writing that name!) Ron Bass likes to go to movies on the weekend; he’ll see three in a day. He likes to see movies with the public . ‘You really know how good it is,’ sayeth Ron Bass, ‘when you’re in the dark surrounded by strangers.’ On Friday or Saturday nights, Ron Bass likes to have French-onion soup at 5 Dudley or branzino and green lasagna at Vicenti. Ron Bass likes to drive down to Orange County to see opera for a Sunday matinée—”

“Jesus, you’re obsessed! It’s just Ron Bass! He’s not even Robert Towne.”

“Did you say … Robert China towne?” He spun around impishly, in fresh rodomontade. “Did you hear Chinatowne on KCRW, discussing ‘the sound of the shammy’? Polanski understood the importance of ‘the sound of the shammy,’ he said. Oh, how lucky for us all! Oh, 1974, if we could just go back! Do you know — are you aware —of what the Council of Elders— the professors of screenwriting —call that script? ‘The grail.’ Literally. They’re just like Trekkies — with their Grand Wailea Maui Waui seminars and Callie Khouri — Nora Ephron champagne brunches, laughing and clinking glasses while hooking you for thousands. And don’t think Mr. China towne isn’t rewarded monetarily each time some weekend warrior writes a check — oh, the Council makes sure they all get their fat number-two Sundance-pencil’d checks! — don’t think he isn’t cut in by the pantheon —the story-structure gurus— groupies still coming in their pants over Sleepless in Seattle —”