Bruce Wagner - Dead Stars

Gwen had exhausted herself, & Phoebe called for her to be calm. She told Gwen she was glad she had cried, but now she wanted her to take some deep breaths. Which Gwen did.

“You know, I don’t see Telma as an addict.” It was the only thing Phoebe could grab hold of; the rest was just too big. “I’ve worked with many, many children, & I don’t see that for Telma.”

“You don’t know what can happen, you don’t know, how could you, no one knows… O! Did I tell you what the woman said when they handed her the urn with her kid’s ashes? She said, ‘God is good.’ God is good. That’s what she said, Phoebe.”

“You’re right, Gwen. I don’t know what will happen to Telma. None of us have a crystal ball.” Whenever she talked about crystal balls, Gwen recoiled inside. “I can only hope for the best for her, the very best. That’s all we can ever do, Gwen.”

“You’re right. How about rainbows and roses and whiskers on kittens… Do you want to hear another sick thing I’ve been thinking? I lay there in bed imagining Telma’s 18. And she goes and gets her implants. They say some women get breast cancer from their implants, & the sick part is, I’m lying in bed imagining that when they’re in for a few years — you know, she turns 21 or 22 or 23— that’s when she gets cancer! Because of the implants! That’s how fucked up I am, Phoebe! It’s like now part of me wants her to get cancer! It’s so sick .”

“You’re depressed, Gwen. And when we’re depressed, we get morbid. We catastrophize—”

“‘Catastrophize!’”

“We’re filled with negative self-talk…”

“Just spare me, Phoebe. Please just fucking spare me. Why don’t you admit it? You’re probably thinking it, so why don’t you just admit that I’m the one who let it happen? It should not have happened, that’s the bottomline, but I let it! I am responsible, 1,000 % . Because I am the mother .”

“You didn’t let anything happen.”

“O Phoebe, Phoebe, what do I do? How can I tell her? How can I —— what do I say ?”

“You tell her the truth.”

“I can’t!”

“You can. Because the truth is that you brought her to the very best doctors in the world. And they determined, with all of their knowledge & all of their expertise, that Telma had breast cancer. And they found out that they were wrong . They found out too late. And that you wish you could change what happened, but you can’t, because you’re just a human being. You’re just a mom. That’s what you tell her. And you tell her as soon as possible. You can bring her here or I can come to the house. But before that happens, before you do have that talk with her, I want to see you in better shape.”

“Phoebe, you have to help me.”

“That’s what I’m here for. You can do this, Gwen. You have to . Not just for Telma, but for you. Because she’s sensitive, she’s seen you depressed but she’s never seen you like this. You can’t keep her at her grandma’s forever. I don’t care how much you think you conceal it, Gwen, she knows something is terribly wrong , and it isn’t fair to her for you to prolong this. And you can’t go on beating yourself up either. The self-punishing has got to stop. The rage , the false guilt , will consume you. [moments of silence] Telma’s strong. You know how we’re always talking about her as an old soul? Well, I really believe that. Telma’s an old, old soul. And she’s tough. She must have been Cleopatra in another life.”

Gwen allowed herself a smile, & the shrink matched her.

“No,” said Gwen. “Mother Teresa. Did you know that she calls herself Daughter Teresa!”

“Ha! See? She’s tough and she’s resilient . But now I need you to be tough. I know you are, Gwen. I know you’re tough through observation . I’ve seen you be tough — fierce— heroic— not just in this room, but in your life . I’m seeing it now, you just can’t see it. I’ve seen you be a lioness, protecting your cub — yes I have, Gwen, & Telma had to get her courage from somewhere , no? That girl is a survivor , & so is her mom——————”

“DON’T USE THAT WORD! DON’T EVER USE THAT WORD PHOEBE! I DON’T EVER WANT TO HEAR THAT WORD AGAIN FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE!”

paroxysm of sobs/moaning

empty boxes of Kleenex at her feet

then

Phoebe does something she usually avoids with patients, she walks around & kneels at the chair & holds her, rocking gently, like a mother, a mother & daughter. . . . . . . . . . . . …

Cave Dwellers

“Guess

who’s coming over for a visit on Friday?”

“Who?”

“Phoebe.”

“O Phoebe! I miss her!”

“Well, she misses you too. She wants to see you.”

“We’re not going to her office?”

“Nope.”

“I like her office.”

“She’s making a housecall.”

“Ratchet!”

“Ratchet? What does that mean?”

“Just — that it’s ratchet! ”

. .

“Mom, that boy Biggie called & asked me out to lunch.”

“Asked you out where?”

“Not really ‘out.’ He asked if I wanted to come to lunch at his house in Bel-Air.”

“Who else is going to be there?”

“His nanny & I guess a chef? And maybe his brother.”

“You said he was so shy. I think it’s nice that he called, that must have been very hard for him.”

“ Welllllllllll … I actually called him. ”

“O you did. How very forward of you.”

“Not to ask him out , just to talk. Then he asked me .”

“Have they found out what’s wrong with him?”

“No — I mean, I don’t think so. I guess I don’t really know. Maybe he’ll tell me when I see him.”

“And where are his parents again?”

“He lives with his dad. Him & his brother. His mom hasn’t been——I think maybe she was gay & maybe left his father for a woman.”

“This is something you were told , or something you’ve come up with using your amazing powers ?”

“Sort of told. Kind of reading between the lines. I don’t think she ever — I don’t think the mom ever really came back. She, like, disappeared . As far as I know.”

“Not at all? To see her sons?”

“It’s sort of ratchety. That she never came home. Because from my understanding, it did happen a while ago.”

“Strange.”

“Biggie said that evidently his mom is a spelunker . A spelunker is a person who likes going into caves. Evidently, his mom & the woman are spelunkers who go all around the world finding caves . To explore. I don’t really have the whole story. I don’t even have one quarter of the story.”

“Kind of interesting, anyway. Don’t you think?”

“I don’t really want to gossip.”

“It’s information, not gossip.”

“It feels sorta gossipy.”

“You’re protective of your new friend, & that’s good. That’s a lovely quality, Telma.”

“Can I go there for lunch?”

“Of course you can.”

. .

“Should I ask Phoebe to the fundraiser?”

“What fundraiser?”

“Mom! The Courage Ball.”