Bruce Wagner - Dead Stars

And when the guard tried to call production, for some perfect reason no one answered (of course not!) & so finally the guard reached someone on the set who told him to call the office back, a puissant/pissant command which he dutifully obeys in the way only a dumbass studio guard could. She watched it all unfold, her daughter in the seat beside her oblivious doing her instagrammy thing & Gwen expects no one at the prod. office will answer but lo & behold a person actually does , the dumbshit guard listens with all this gravity like on terrorist alert Just print out the frickin pass you dumbshit which in a moment he does, like he’s the one who pulled strings, like he wants somebody to kiss his ring for it, & he tells her to drive over there , pointing way over yonder in the direction of Palm Springs, it’s that far away, & just then Gwen remembers the Ryan Murphy gal specifically telling her she would be able to park close to the set, in fact right in front of the production office so they wouldn’t have to hike over, subtext being, your daughter has or had cancer, neither of course anymore being the truth, Oh man Gwen thinks darkly, we are certainly going to miss those cancer perks . Even tho they long since gave up their handicapped parking permit, the one that was so hopeful during the months of surgery/recovery, the unnecessary months! they’d given it up because Telma, ever the warrior-ethicist, said she wasn’t handicapped (anymore), it was an effrontery, & unfair to all the people who did need a handicapped permit, Gwen couldn’t argue with her, and why should she? she was cured! Cured! CURED! Of NOTHING & when she deigns to mention this little detail to the ugly illiterate peanut-brained guard he acts like she’s uppity, says Well I don’t know anything about that, & if it were true (literally using that phrase, calling her a liar!), the woman he just spoke to would have said so. At least the Captain of Retardation offered to call back, but Gwen, not wishing to be further victimized, wisely said no, just let it be, she already had that general sinking feeling, sinking feeling upon sinking feeling, that this-is-as-good-as-it’s-going-to-get feeling as he waved her through to the most distant parking structure known to man. Within that structure, awaiting within, was the single furthest-away-from-everything parking space, a 10K trudge in the shimmering heat, all those little golf carts speeding past with laughing passengers, bantering almost, sometimes they even whizzed by with only a driver, say, a personal assistant merrily whistling to himself in the midst of an insignificant errand, maybe even just on his way to lunch, or sometimes a cart passed with the name of a show on it, X Factor, New Girl, Family Guy , whatever, lowly intern at the wheel temporarily liberated from office humdrum to deliver a fat check/free swag to whomever bigshot. . . . . then (still 8 minutes left in their walk to the set) Gwen sees a cart with GLEE on it speeding past, yet another galling solo driver no doubt heading in the direction they were going, to the soundstage, she shouts “Hey!” but he doesn’t hear & she’s suddenly a bit embarrassed — there goes the Glee production company driver without a care in the world, zooming past the Mom of the girl who survived cancer without actually having cancer — now that’s a true survivor! — the girl that Michael Douglas (who did have cancer, though maybe not anymore ) was so moved by, & had paved the way for their studio visit on this bright fraudulent high-end LA day with its traitorous bowling ball moon hanging in the sky-blue sky like a fuck-you to the night.

Michael Douglas would have been furious to see them walking like this in the hot sun.

At the soundstage, Ryan Murphy, Creator, was not there to greet them.

They stood stranded outside until a very, very sweet gal with lots of gear strapped on her smiled the biggest smile. “Are you Telma? You must be Telma!” & for a minute Gwen thought things would be better. (Wrong.) She began to say something but was startled by a loud BELL/ALARM. A big red light atop the stage door lit up & revolved like the ones on old ambulances & the sweet gal smiled but at the same time seriously pantomimed them NOT TO SAY A WORD, NOT EVEN TO MOVE. Telma heard (over the girl’s walkie) someone shout “PLAYBACK!” and she & her mom stood there, Telma’s racing, worried she was missing something, everything, then some big cranky guy ignored the light, opened the steel door & went in, which the sweet gal frowned on but permitted, in the sense that she didn’t try to stop him. & for just a few seconds, everyone could hear Lea Michele’s brassy voice, it sounded live but Telma was surprised when it squeaky-rewound & the bell alarm SOUNDED again, the red light went OFF, & the sweet tomgirl gal walked them in and advanced them to a temporary position where they could see without being in the camera or anyone’s way.

The alarm sounded and. . . “PLAYBACK!”—& Telma saw Brittana & Lea & Artie, Colton, Mercedes & an older woman in black tights, patent-leather dance heels & derby, everyone was singing and dancing. This went on stutter-starting/stopping for about a half-hour. Then someone yelled “We have it!” and there was commotion but then that same person asked everyone to be very still & quiet for a moment, which they were, not a peep, it was all so exciting to her, Telma thought that’s what Show Business is, there’s only two ways it can ever be, it’s either very loud and crazy & all over the place , or it’s very quiet & serious and organized & disciplined . Then, after everyone had been extremely quiet for at least 60 seconds, the same person announced it was LUNCH.

Telma & Gwen were walked over to the director, not by the sweet gal, but someone else who was sweet but not as sweet, the director stayed in his chair & smiled & shook their hands. When they left, Telma thought he called her Aleisha. They were walked over to a cast member or two, but of the lesser variety. The famous ones had disappeared.

No one seemed to know exactly who Telma was. No one, not even the director, seemed in the least prepared viz her darling daughter, which puzzled/irritated Gwen. . . but the day was saved because the woman in the tights & derby came and graciously introduced herself, first to the mom Hello! I’m Catherine then to Telma, So wonderful to meet you! My husband’s talked so much about you, I heard you’re a helluva dancer (Telma thought, OMG. It is Mrs. Michael Douglas, the Oscarwinning Catherine Zeta-Jones. OMG how could I have not known that, I am so embarrassed ) but then she got called away, as people in show business tend to, shrugging at Telma & Gwen as if she really truly didn’t want to be called away but, as it was work, had no real say in the matter, which was the truth. At least leaving them with that lovely glow/feeling that they mattered . Gwen told Telma that was Michael Douglas’s wife, Telma said I know! I know! She was just too all over the place keyed up to say anything in the moment, Telma knew she was his wife, knew she was doing a Glee , she was Welsh even though she sounded English, & that she was a bipolar Hero.

Catherine went away and it was back to

Mother and daughter

stranded

again

Telma said she wanted to walk around on her own for a while, do some exploring, Gwen said OK & Telma struck out.

She went in search of Artie/Kevin, and was shocked to actually see him only a minute into her peregrinations, out of his wheelchair (naturally). She went straight up & said she was here because she was a friend of Michael Douglas, she took the bull by the horns and informed him that she was currently the youngest breast cancer survivor in the world. Artie/Kevin seemed really interested, even tho Telma thought that might be partially because he thought she was a guest of Catherine’s.