Mark Haddon - The Red House

♦

I’ve done bad things . They were sitting apart from the others, far enough away to feel private but near enough to prevent Richard shouting or storming off. That bell-jar feeling, everything muffled and far off. She really did think she might vomit.

Are we talking about a criminal record of some kind? He laughed, not hearing the crack in her voice.

No, not that .

He heard it now, but didn’t think of Louisa as someone who had done anything of great significance, either good or bad, rather as someone who had put herself at the service of others so that they could do things of significance. Tell me .

She closed her eyes. There was no way back. After Craig and I split up I slept with a lot of men .

How many? The doctor talking.

Ten. Ten men . A little white lie. Did it sound that bad? Only if you knew the dates, perhaps. I was drinking a lot at the time . It didn’t seem so awful now that it was out there. She’d been lonely. She’d made mistakes. Say something. Please .

I’m thinking about it . He wanted to know the details and didn’t want to know them.

If only he would reach out and hold her. I took an AIDS test . But it didn’t sound reassuring when she said it out loud…Blood and semen. I’m really sorry . Why was she apologising to him? Why hadn’t he saved her sooner?

He couldn’t think of what to say. Was he being a prude? Of course he was, but how did one change?

Richard…?

It disturbs me a little .

What? Her anger surprised her. He was disgusted. She tried to keep her voice down so that Dominic or Angela didn’t hear.

I’m just trying to be honest .

I trusted you completely. The girl. The one who ended up in a wheelchair. I never for one moment doubted you when…

That’s different .

Why is it different, Richard…?

Because it wasn’t my fault .

You think I deliberately set out to be…?

He couldn’t stop himself. You don’t sleep with ten men by accident . He wasn’t trying to be unkind, it seemed to him to be simply a fact.

Do you actually love me, Richard? Or do you just like having me around as long as I don’t cause any problems?

Of course I love you . Something perfunctory about his answer. They both heard it but he couldn’t change the tone retrospectively.

I’m not sure you know what love means . She had never spoken like this before, not to Richard. There was a sickly thrill in riding the wave.

I know what love means .

So tell me .

It means… but what could he say? It wasn’t something you put into words.

She got to her feet. You come and tell me when you’ve worked out the answer .

♦

The priory, fixed amongst a barbarous people in the Vale of Ewyas, is now a hotel with four bedrooms, each one leading off the spiral staircase of the tower. We advise guests to arrive during bar opening times so as to avoid waiting outside . Ruined arches striding away like the legs of a great stone spider. Transepts, triforium, clerestory. Eight hundred years of wind and rain and theft. Sir Richard Colt Hoare sees the great west window fall in 1803. Banks of mown green baize. Holly Hop and Brains Dark in the cool of the vaulted bar. Snickers and tubs of Ben & Jerry’s with wooden spoons under the plastic lids. Traffic making its way up the valley to Gospel Pass against the flow of the ghost ice, stopping for lorries to reverse, idling behind cyclists. Four pony-trekkers. A steel, a bay roan, two chestnuts. A brief Jacob’s ladder of sunlight, as if heaven were searching for raiders moving over the earth.

Benjy peels the sandwich apart and licks the jam from each slice in turn.

Smile , says Alex. Click.

Hey . Dominic sits down beside Angela. He loves her again. Not loves, maybe, but feels a comfort in her presence which he has not felt for years. He is the one who cares. This does not need to be said. He can spend his forgiveness at his leisure. He’d gone to the toilet in the hotel and texted Amy, Thinking of you must keep this short love D xx . He wonders if Angela is actually sick, psychiatrically. This, too, is a consolation. What do you make of that? He nods towards Daisy and Melissa who are sitting on a ruined buttress, talking.

Her calves ache and she has a blister on her left heel. Perhaps Melissa’s leading her astray . Yesterday, when she walked off, Angela had seen it all from her own point of view. Which was Dominic’s point, wasn’t it? Maybe it will be good for her .

Why does the religion thing upset you so much?

She didn’t want to talk about this now. Because she thinks she’s right and everyone else is wrong .

Doesn’t that cover pretty much every teenager in the world?

Angela felt Karen’s presence.

Actually , said Dominic, I think she’s scared that she’s wrong and everyone else is right . He could hear himself play-acting the wise man, but that didn’t stop it being true.

And suddenly Louisa was walking past them towards the bar, staring straight ahead. Dominic thought she might have been crying, but Angela was throwing a wet wipe at Benjy, saying, You have jam all over your face, young man .

♦

White skin and loads of black hair , said Melissa. Like, on their back as well. That is definitely the grossest .

Big muscles . Daisy laughed. Or tattoos. I hate tattoos .

I’ve got a bluebird on my arse . Melissa paused. They were on the edge of the enchanted forest, kings and their judgement far away. I’ll show you later if you promise not to tell . And drop the liquor of it in her eyes.

Well, I guess I’ll have to make an exception in your case . Daisy wondered if the church was a bluebird tattoo. Doubt, that canker in the heart.

Prince Albert had a ring through his penis so he could tie it to his leg. Must have been a monster . Melissa laughed and everyone turned and wondered what they could be talking about.

OK. You win. That is definitely the grossest .

So… Melissa touched Daisy’s arm, to show her she wasn’t mocking her. Tell me about the religion thing . It wasn’t envy. More a kind of zoological fascination. And that steeliness…Maybe there was a little envy there.

Daisy paused. She had imagined this moment many times over the past few days but now that it was here…How did she say this without dispersing the nameless thing that hung in the air between them? Don’t you sometimes wonder if everything is pointless or whether it has some bigger meaning? The Alpha line. She wished she could have been more original.

Sometimes, I guess .

Shakespeare, the pyramids, human beings… She looked at Benjy playing his Nintendo and really did think it was astonishing. It can’t be an accident, can it? I mean …How could she express all that wonder? You look up into the sky at night and it’s beautiful but it’s terrifying, too. Don’t you think that?

Sort of . But did she? Her fears lurked nearby with their feet on the ground.

What if you couldn’t stop thinking about it?

I guess I’d take some really strong antidepressants . Melissa laughed. It was precisely what she would do.

I feel invisible sometimes. I look at myself and there’s nothing there .

Melissa felt a shiver of recognition. Alex’s attention drifting away. But she wasn’t ready to cross this river.