Gavin Corbett: This Is the Way

One evening my fear came back to me. This evening Arthur went out to get drink. After an hour he was not back. I panicked I could not stop it. I says to myself I will need to get tablets with this. My hands shook, they were sweating, the lines on them were clear and glistering, the lines opened out, they were like cuts, I could not read these lines. If I believed in these things if I could read these things I would have seen my days ahead were not good and they were not mine to do anything with.

And strange but before he even tapped the button I had the feel he was back at the front door. But there was nothing strange about it, was his voice only distant what it was and he gone and tapped the wrong button what he done.

This damn key you gave me isn’t worth nothing can’t get it to turn in the lock he screams up from the street.

Easy easy I says and I had the window slid up and I was at him to shush. Will you whisht I says and I’ll be down a minute.

I seen him disappear under the doorway, the door after opening below, and I waited there the second. No one came out on the steps and fuck him I says. Sure enough on the stair I passed one of the African fellas bounding up and Arthur in the hall below the gawp on him taking in the surrounds like this was the first he seen them.

You okay I says to him. Up close I seen he was sweating too.

Fine he says, look at this.

He had my bag on him. He turned around I seen it was full of tins.

Twelve tins ten euros he says.

I says to him you’re sweating like you were running.

He says I wasn’t running, think I can run with me foot the way it is.

There isn’t nothing wrong with your foot no more I says.

I’m crippled he says.

I says you’re no cripple you’re a torment to me.

He says but that’s a fine window you have over the door with the purple and the gold in it and you only see the effect this side of it.

I waved him forward to the stair I says watch it now get up and keep your eyes off that lead.

It’s lead in the window is it he says.

I says get up now and mind the bit of carpet.

What countries do these fellas be coming from he says.

I says will you get up and stop this, this.

In the room I’d made food for the both of us. The food had gone cold, I had to heat it again, but stirring the pot was good for settling the worries. There been a thing on the television about another son of Martin Thresh Sonaghan Lee the name of Showbiz Joseph Thresh. Showbiz had went after the boys had killed his brother Damien Thresh three month back. He went looking through Limerick was the story, been told the murderers were there. But he had to do it quiet and he was so quiet he didn’t hear nothing. He left and went home to Galway. A few nights later he went out of a pub between Galway and Tuam. The people in the pub heard a bang and they went out and Showbiz was dead on the ground shot in the side of the head.

Arthur was looking through books been on my floor these last six month. They were given to me by Judith but I didn’t know if she wanted them back. He lifted the one at the top of the pile like he was looking for a louse under a stone. He opened it and closed it.

He says to me do you know your father is learning to read.

I says no I did not.

He’s getting lessons says Arthur. He’s with this new church and he’s getting lessons off them. And he told me he’s getting good at it.

I poured out the dinner I says that fucking church is filling his head all kinds of shit.

Arthur says let me show you something.

He went over to his camp bed and he got out from under it the white sack I found him with at the Spar that first day. He took out a magazine, threw it down in front of me.

He sends away for that, gives them money says Arthur. He gave it me in the hospital but there’s parts of it he can’t understand.

The magazine was four pages big. The front page was filled with words except for a picture of a man with no hair and black glasses. I could not read the words myself, they were in another language. The words across the top of the page said Iglesia Católica de Utrera.

Me father is a holy man do you think I says.

He is big into the prayer, the power of prayer says Arthur.

Is that what he tells you I says.

A change has come on him Anthony says Arthur.

What sort of change I says.

He feels a peace says Arthur. He tells me he seen it, he seen the way, that he knows what to do with his life. He told me it’s like, and Arthur stopped.

I says go on so what he say this brother of yours that’s good with the words.

Arthur says he says it’s like he’s taken a cold strong beer and he felt the chills inside him but calm the first instant. It’s a feeling he hasn’t been able to get rid of he told me.

That so I says. I looked at the picture of the man on the magazine. He was foreign, he was Spanish, it was Pope David of Utrera. A holy man I says again.

He talks to the saints says Arthur. Saint Eoin O’Duffy is his big thing now, he tells me he has a picture of him on his wall.

Does he ask Saint Eoin O’Duffy for help I says.

He does says Arthur.

Is Saint Eoin O’Duffy there to help I says.

I don’t know says Arthur.

Or does he chastise like God I says.

That is something I do not know says Arthur. All you can do is ask.

Do you think me father is a holy man I says.

I do says Arthur. I do he says and he got up off the couch and went over to the bin and started rooting in it. He took out an empty tin of Club, put it sitting up on the floor. He put his bad foot on it and lifted the other so as the tin got crushed.

I says there’s no bother with the foot now I see.

He says we will get another bag for the tins and that. We will have a bag for the recycling. See them rolls of green bags left in the hall he says. They’re for the recycling, we should take a few of them and find out when the men come around and collect them.

I says me father is a shamed person and he is sick in the head.

And this he says, he was not listening. He took the box for the tea bags out the bin. That’s cardboard he says.

I says do you hear me.

He came back over and sat on the couch. He took a tin of beer and opened it, then he reached in his trousers and took out a new packet of cigarettes. He said to me did I want one.

You know I don’t fucking smoke no more I says. He lit up and I says I have decided I don’t want smoking in this room. And the landlord will kick you out for doing it I says.

He paid no heed to me.

I says do you hear me.

His head went dark as the tip of his cigarette went red.

He says there was reasons your father was bad to your mother.

You don’t know about no reasons I says.

I know enough says Arthur. Your mother could be antagonising.

He took the cigarette from his lips. He kept looking at me expecting me to jump back at him but I didn’t so he said it again.

Your mother could be antagonising he says. You will agree.

I am letting you go on I says.

He finished the whole of his cigarette then he spoke again. But he says. There isn’t no point beating on about them Gillaroos.

Well be quiet about them I says.

There isn’t no point to the feuding only causes grief he says.

You should hear you I says.

And look at what I’m saying he says.

I am I says. I am thinking of the time of Aaron’s burial and what you said and did then. I am thinking of you throwing stones at helicopters. You did not look like a man wanting to bury a feud I says.

It was nothing he says. A bit of messing.

I am thinking of all your words about them I says.

He laughed then he went serious. I’ll tell you Anthony that was the moment for me he says.