Justin Tussing - Vexation Lullaby

Outside the room, the band picked up their tempo. A bass line rattled the door.

“He said you were good with animals.”

Alistair took another sip from his cup. “How did he rope you into being his doctor?”

“It’s an opportunity. They named me the Rochester Memorial/Tony Ogata Ambassador for Wellness.”

Alistair reached for the candy bar. “What was wrong with your old name?”

The dressing room door opened and the orange-haired woman leaned her head in. A dark tendril of hair stuck to her cheek.

Peter said hello.

“Maya,” Alistair said, addressing the ceiling, “this is Peter, the guy I was telling you about.”

She closed the door behind her.

“Maya’s going to be a doctor,” Alistair said.

“In Performance Studies.” She brushed her wonderful hair back from her face.

“Peter’s an ambassador.”

“I thought ambassadors wore sashes.”

Peter looked at her again. She was funny. So what if Alistair had beautiful eyes and an accountant who paid his credit cards in full — Peter would not concede this woman. “What’s your research in?”

“The short answer? I study forfeiture of the self in music and religious rites.”

Alistair said, “You called yourself an expert on ecstasy.”

Maya said, “I know my audience.” Turning to Peter, “Technically, I research ecstatics. What does a medical ambassador do?”

“It’s a pilot program.”

With a flick of his hand, Alistair sent his empty cup spinning across the floor. “Let’s go see some live music, before it’s too late.”

Back at the Barge Inn, I log on to CrossTracks to see what Gene has been up to. The site attracts the kinds of people who are willing to believe that Cross would show up unannounced at a grange hall, play ten gems, and leave with Mrs. South Dakota. The top two threads listed in the general discussion area:

What Arthur Pennyman Doesn’t Want You to Know

Boycott JimCrossCompendium!

This is the thanks I get for refusing to post a CrossTracks-style Penthouse letter on JCC.

I check out the proposed boycott first. The thread is six pages long! “Let’s shut him down,” writes Fingerpicker. FlowerGrrl writes, “Wake up and smell the coffee. Pennyforger is an eccentric cog in the industrial entertainment business.” (I mean, really!) Someone quotes “Testimony of Pilot”: “ If you cast out the money changer loitering in your temple / how come you let him sit at your breakfast table? ” 25

I read every post. The few people who don’t slander me say things like “Someone ought to back up his archive” and “Totally shocked!”

Then I open the thread that purports to address what I don’t want people to know. It begins with a post from someone (Gene!) calling himself HonestFolk. HonestFolk identifies himself as a longtime acquaintance of mine, a person who has known me for many years and who, in that time, has made some “startling discoveries” that he (HonestFolk) can no longer keep to himself, because he cares too much about the regular fans to let them get taken in by a “supposed expert.” Then he lists my faults, which I’ve transcribed below, in their entirety, because 1) I believe, to quote someone other than Cross for a change, “the truth will set me free”; and 2) the things HonestFolk said are now in the public record and it seems cowardly to cherry-pick those charges that are easily dismissed. Here is what he wrote:

Though Arthur Pennyman claims to have “lots” of contacts on the tour, he only knows a few people. Most refuse to talk to him because they know doing so would get them fired.

Arthur’s favorite topic of conversation is not Jimmy Cross, but himself .

He originated the rumor that the “ tangle of Coney Island jetsam ” from “Jerkwater Blues” is somehow a reference to him, when it clearly represents the Cyclone roller coaster.

Cross never initiated a restraining order against him. This is another rumor circulated by Pennyman in order to increase his profile!

Records show that between 1990 and 1997, Arthur Pennyman failed to pay court-ordered child support. As a result, his child endured hardships such as going without heat and/or staple foodstuffs.

In the divorce papers his ex-wife filed, she listed sexual incompatibility and abandonment as the two primary reasons for ending their union.

The U.S. government is trying to recoup a large tax debt, which Pennyman has refused to pay.

The accuracy of his setlists has been greatly overstated. A cursory examination of his archives turned up more than sixty likely errors.

The website and the things he writes there are part of an elaborate strategy to establish himself as an expert on Cross so that he can sign a lucrative book deal about Cross’s life.

He has not shared any of the tens of thousands of photographs he has taken of Cross, but intends to sell exclusive rights to those photographs at some future date.

Numerous law enforcement agencies have investigated him on suspicion of pedophilia and endangering children.

First, I acknowledge there is truth in everything he alleges. However, the manner in which he presents his “facts” is prejudicial. For instance, if an older man is observed wearing a duster and carrying a camera in a school zone, he can expect to be approached by a member of the school staff and/or the local constabulary (as he should be, I think); this has happened to me on a couple occasions. In each case the “investigation” was concluded with a handshake and an apology — I only mentioned it to Gene to emphasize my own estrangement from society. As for the meaning of those enigmatic lyrics in “Jerkwater Blues,” Cross pointed directly at me while singing those lines. 26In the period mentioned (1990–1997), I did not always meet my court-ordered responsibility to Gabby. Yes, she suffered. There is no excuse for what happened. I have NO PLANS TO PROFIT, not today, nor in the future; profiting is the antithesis of my project. Like I’ve said before, I consider following Cross to be an artistic performance (and, as a piece of art, I expect its value as art to be determined by those people who observe it). 27I’m not aware of any errors in my database — identifying “Painted Horses” as “Painted Hoses” does not, to my mind, qualify as an error (even if such errors could be found, in an archive of more than 22,000 song performances, 60 errors would represent less than 0.3 percent of my entries).

Rather than post a defense, I decide to take the high road. My father used to say, “There’s nothing wrong with forgiving people their stupidity, but don’t try to absolve them of it either.”

I refresh the boycott thread. From Moscow and Baghdad and Vero Beach, anonymous strangers pile on their scorn. Halfway down the last page, I read a comment from Grimple68. He writes:

Greetings from Buffalo. You’ll never guess who I spoke with. That’s right, the grand ghoul himself. I spotted Pennyman lurking near the back of the auditorium having a powwow with the faithful. I headed over to see what they were going on about. Sure enough, someone brought up this teacup tempest. Pennyman seemed blindsided (I guess he doesn’t hang out much with the virtual hoi polloi). He asked what was being said. When someone told him, you could see he was shocked. For my $.02, he seemed a decent enough guy. Whoever is trying to assassinate his character has done a pretty expert job. I’m not joining any boycott, because I’m not a sheep. . Oh, and Cross put on a fine show. I won’t bother with the setlist since Pennyman posted it an hour ago. Flame on.

Tears roll down my cheeks and splash on an imitation-leather desk blotter. I am grateful for Grimple68’s defense, but the truth is that I’m alone on the road and it’s hard, on a night like this, to get revved up for Pittsburgh.