Justin Tussing - Vexation Lullaby

MARTIN HELD UP a thin plastic case. “She thinks I was kidding about the autographs. There’s a double-pressed forty-five of ‘Sunlight for Smoking’ in here. . if he signs it, it’s worth three grand.”

“Did she seem odd to you?”

Martin lowered himself into the director’s chair. “Peg’s got two responsibilities: avoid making the board look bad and protect her staff. Well, first Oblitz got his hat handed to him, and then she made it clear that anyone can get shitcanned if some snake-oil salesman takes an unhealthy interest in you. This hasn’t been her best week.”

“Do you think she’s mad at me?”

“Listen,” Martin said, stirring his arm in the bag, “somewhere in here there’s a first edition of a chapbook Cross published under the name Caesar Bonaparte — get him to sign it and I’ll make sure all your interns look like the weather girls on Spanish TV.”

“First, can you walk me through my responsibilities?”

Martin set the bag in front of Peter. “As far as the administration is concerned, this is just a big marketing gimmick — in a couple weeks there’ll be a billboard downtown featuring a resident in a black leather lab coat. Just keep him upright and don’t panic.”

“Why would I panic?”

“You’re a homebody, Silver. Shit, you’re the only person I’ve ever met who unboxes his eggs and puts them away in one of those egg shelves. It’s hard to picture you living out of a suitcase.”

“I suppose it wouldn’t bother you.”

Setting his heels on the edge of the desk, Martin leaned back in the chair and gave his hips a few slow pumps. “I’d manage.”

Peter took a deep breath. “I want to do this.”

“Yeah? You going to have fun?”

“Who can tell?”

Martin checked his phone. “Do me a favor, gin up an excuse to bring me out for the Green Bay show.”

“Is there a Packers game or something?

“The last time Cross performed in Green Bay, he was playing alto sax for the James Polk Purple Martins.”

“I’ve never heard of them.”

“They’re his high school marching band.”

“I had no idea you were such a fan.”

Martin dropped his feet to the floor. “I’m a fan of cheesecake and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. I’m a fan of the Knicks. Jimmy Cross is my hero.”

Dear Mr. Pennyman,

Please be more circumspect about what you write. You make it sound like JC is suffering from dementia! That is irresponsible of you. Maybe he had a senior moment. Or maybe he thought the crowd wasn’t paying attention. Regardless, you of all people need to stay positive.

Yours,

Ophelia in a spider wedding dress

(4/16/90, 6/02/95, 9/22/95, 8/01/99, 8/02/99, 10/05/06, 5/30/08, 6/01/08, 8/27/09, 9/08/10)

Dear Ophelia,

I’m sensitive to your concerns. If I can read between the lines here, you might be assuming that what happened in Rochester did in some way resemble his stumble in Stamford (10/05/06) — which (check the archives) I didn’t report. These were very different incidents, which is why I reported (I did not sensationalize) what happened in Rochester. Trust me when I say that you and I are on the same side.

Best,

Arthur Pennyman

I have a friend at a recording studio in Austin, TX. They were told to reserve the studio for a three-week period starting the second week of January! Any chance that Cross might be recording a new album?

Hi.

He’s certainly due for a new album (overdue, really). And mid-January would make sense, since he likes to spend holidays with his grandkids. That said, as far as I know he’s never recorded in Texas. In recent years he’s favored studios in the UK (Off the Map and Later than That were both recorded outside Glasgow). But he’s expressed his fondness for SXSW (he called it “Woodstock with better weather” 18). Still, I’d characterize this as a long shot. I know some of the aliases his people use when they’re doing things on the sly. If your friend tells me “who” reserved the studio, I might be able to give you more information.

Best,

Arthur Pennyman

Sir,

I’ve been a big fan since ’65. My wife and I saw the second show in Boston. Let me tell you, as a person who knew him when, it’s over. He was terrible, incoherent. It was, at best, passable country-western. Sure, he played a few classics, but I’ve heard better renditions in an elevator!

Maybe you know the anecdote about the frog and the skillet. You drop a frog in a hot pan it jumps out. But you put a frog in a cold pan and then put a fire under it. . frog cooks. I’m telling you, it’s time to JUMP!

Aggrieved,

Matt Powell

Dear Matt,

Great artists reinvent themselves. Do they do this in order to disorient their fans? No. They do it so that they don’t die. They do it to keep their eyes and ears open. Why do so many great bands emerge when the members are in their early twenties? Because the musicians have just invented themselves. Why do so few of those bands endure? Because they try to maintain the status quo.

I am not the frog in your analogy. I am the pan. Cross is the fire. Think about it.

Best,

Arthur Pennyman

Pennymaker,

What are the chances he’ll play “Fountain-Headed Mistress” again? You said he played the opening bars last year in Savannah. Do you think that was a mistake or a tease? I’ve been eyeing the Ann Arbor stop. I keep thinking about that line, “she twisted her neck on Minerva Street.” There’s a Minerva Road in Ann Arbor! I used to live right around the corner. If I can swing a cheap flight I might go. Your thoughts?

Your friend,

A. R. Muniz

Dear A. R. Muniz,

I don’t think anyone expects him to play “F.H.M.” again. Before Savannah, he stopped midway through at the Vancouver Music Fest (8/12/95). Some people think he finds the song too painful to play. But he plays “Hours of Trespass” all the time and that’s about his brother’s death. I tend to think he doesn’t trust the song. I haven’t heard anyone place the song anywhere before, so I suppose Ann Arbor’s a possibility. If he plays it and you’re not there, you’ll kick yourself.

Best,

Arthur Pennyman

Fellow Traveler,

When will Mr. Cross come back Japan? It has been a very long time.

Sincerely,

Yukio

Dear Yukio,

You’re right. It’s been too long. I don’t follow the Japanese economy very closely, but hasn’t there been a recession? Perhaps the Powers That Be are waiting for the economy to rebound.

Best,

Arthur Pennyman

Dear Mr. Pennyman,

My name is Teresa South. I’m doing Performance Studies in the Anthropology Department at the University of Utah. Currently I am conducting research on fanatics (fans). A colleague directed me to your site. If you have a few moments, would you please answer the following questions? Your answers, unless you specify otherwise, will be anonymous. Thank you in advance:

How long have you been a fan of Jim Cross?

How many hours a week do you spend on activities related to Jim Cross?

Are you personally acquainted with Jim Cross?

Has your fandom affected your personal relationships?

Do you follow sports?

Do you think Jim Cross would recognize you on the street?

Can you imagine a circumstance that would cause you to stop being a fan? Describe.

About what percentage of your income do you spend on Jim Cross- related activities?

(Optional) Have you ever been treated for or diagnosed with a mental illness?

If you have any questions or concerns, I would be glad to answer them. If you wish to speak with my faculty advisor, I’m happy to put you in touch with them.

Thank you.

Teresa South