Ishmael Reed - The Last Days of Louisiana Red

“Will you please get to the point, Rufus? I have to take a light plane to Sacramento.”

“We were checking out the wrong signals because she got through. She bent our security backwards and ignited the place. We spotted her getting into a red sports car; we gave chase but lost her.”

“But you made no effort to fire upon this woman.”

“We weren’t going to tell you about it at all. I was headed for Bos’n’s Locker for a drink, forget about my troubles, when I decided to tell you because I thought that if you were going to be mad, you’re just going to have to be mad.”

“You could have shot her. Why didn’t you?”

“My men said she was too fine to shoot.”

“What?”

“Too fine to shoot. They said she was too fine to shoot.”

LaBas, enraged: “In other words, they went soft.”

“Have a heart, LaBas. Ain’t no politics, religion or anything in the world worth shooting a fine bitch over. Why, that girl was so fine some of the men’s faces were blushing cherry-red. I mean, Pop, we don’t mind bloodying a few noses or busting some behinds, causing a few welts on the leg or leaving a small permanent scar, but, LaBas, there ain’t no reason in the world to shoot a woman like that no matter how much building she burns up. Damn, LaBas, you have insurance, so the building can be replaced, but a woman like that—”

“Stop it! We work and build until our plant is in good operation, and you ruin it all. Because you went, soft when you saw a beautiful frame. You’re fired. But before you go — do you have her identity?”

Rufus removes a toothpick from his mouth. “Yeah, we know who she is. She’s Ed’s daughter, Minnie.”

“Minnie?”

“Yes, Minnie,”

“Minnie the Moocher?”

“The same.”

LaBas takes his seat slowly. “Well, of course, that sheds a different light on the matter.”

“That’s right. We didn’t think you’d want the Gazette to get a hold of a scandal involving Ed’s daughter. You know how they play up black scandal so heavy.”

“Yes. Forget what I said about it. Go bring her to me.”

“But you said I was fired.”

“Go get the girl, Rufus.”

Rufus, smiling, exits.

(Before Sather Gate, University of California at Berkeley, Fish and Andy stand. They are wearing pink robes, sandals and have shaved their heads. Andy Brown keeps his derby. They are shaking tambourines and soliciting.)

Kingfish: Karmels! Karmels!

(A crowd has gathered and is laughing at them)

Andy: (whispers) Fish, what is these peoples laughing at us for? Don’t they know that this is them Indian fellers’ religion? Ain’t they got no respect?

Kingfish: They’s got respect, Bro. Andy, but they shows it through beatitides.

Andy: What?

Kingfish: Look, they ain’t laughing at you, dummy, they’s blissful; they’s delighted. There are many cases of people that gets moved away by saying Karmels; they starts to laugh and can’t stop. They’s happy.

Kingfish/Andy: OMMMMMMMMMMMM. OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

(The people continue to laugh)

Andy: We been out here a long time, Fish, saying Karmels and Ommmmmmmmm. Our humming ain’t gettin us nowhere. We ain’t collected but thirty-five cents since we been out here this morning, while them other fellows down the way is cashing in.

Kingfish: I believes you do have a point there. I believes you do. Maybe we ought to go down the street and get a little respiration. I’m tired.

Andy: Yeah, maybe we should. Man, pickings is lean this year.

Kingfish: You can say that again. Remember the time we took over the Black Studies programs up here, Andy?

Andy: Yeah, I remembers. We bopped the bushwa nigger who was running it, and he had a big hickey on his head. Then we took over.

Kingfish: Those was the days, Andy, the sixties. They took us off television and the radio and gave us freedom to roam the world, unchecked, hustling like we never hustled before.

Andy: Yeah, we sure did get in a lot of fights.

Kingfish: Remember the time this bushwa hi-yellow got up to speak in that meetin we had? I turned off his microphone. Ha! (A pause)

Andy: I think maybe we ought to go.

Kingfish: Have a little patience. That’s how them Asians win. They have so much patience they can go till they wear you out.

Kingfish/Andy: Karmels! Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Karmels! Ommmmmmm.

(The spectators once again laugh)

Andy: We sure is making these people happy.

Kingfish: That was some rally Minnie just had there at Sproul Hall, huh? Inspiring. Inspiring.

Andy: I don’t like the way she run down Papa LaBas. He’s a turkey and all, but she don’t have to talk about him that bad. I mean, she didn’t have to call him all kinds of MF’s like she did.

Kingfish: It’s a new age, Andy. She’s one of them emaciated women.

Andy: What kind of woman is that, Fish?

Kingfish: She believes that the womens have received a raw deal, a bum rap, and a bogus turkey.

Andy: O, Iz sees.

Kingfish: You know, we are very fortunate to have someone like Minnie leading us Moochers. She’s quite a gal.

Andy/Kingfish: Karmels! Karmels! Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

(Crowd laughs again, sounds like canned laughter. A white hippie walks by.)

Hippie: (shakes his head)

Kingfish: (belligerently) What’s the matter with you, fella?

Hippie: Man, are you guys square.

Kingfish: What do you mean? Can’t you see we is beatidizing these folks? Look at ’em, they can’t control their happiness.

Hippie: Look, they’re laughing at you. Your friend smoking that cigar and wearing the derby and you… They know you’re faking …

Kingfish: Why, you—

(They hit and smack the Hippie, and then when he is down they begin to stomp him. Fish removes his razor and is about to cut the boy when the crowd begins to throw things at them. They are chased by the crowd and take off down Telegraph. They run down an alley and over a roof and go to the back yard of Rezor’s Restaurant. Brother Amos calls to them.)

Amos: Fish, Andy, how are you?

(They turn around and see Bro. Amos. He is seated, eating a roast beef sandwich and drinking a glass of beer. They approach the table whispering.)

Kingfish: Hey, there’s Amos, maybe we can get the chump to sponsor us on some beer.

Kingfish: Well, what do you say there, Bro. Amos?

(They give him a ritual handshake)

Andy: Yeah, how you doing there, Amos?

Amos: Well, it’s been a long time. Last I heard, you boys had gone into radical politics — what’s the name of it? — Waitress! bring my friends a pitcher of beer.

Kingfish: We is in the Moochers. Minnie’s Moochers.

Amos: That’s wonderful. What are some of your programs?

Kingfish: Well, last week we …

Andy: We are planning …

Kingfish: Well, next Thursday, there’s suppose to be a …

Andy: If it don’t happen Saturday night …

Kingfish: Well, Amos, to tell you the truth we just go to rallies and hear Minnie talk about the Big Minnie.

Amos: What on earth is that?

Kingfish: That’s when we gone string ’em up!

Andy: Kill ’em all!

Kingfish: Take a stand!

(Waitress brings the beer; Fish & Andy eye her lecherously)

Andy: (frowning) Well, you look kind of prosperous there, Amos.