Peter Pišťanek - The End of Freddy

Q: Do you think of yourself as a modern Napoleon? Is Stalin someone you’d like to emulate?

A: I am the servant of my people. I am one of those who will permanently liberate Slovaks from Junjan oppression.

Q: Since you’re a Slovak and you’re not from Junja, are you perhaps from Eastern Europe?

A: No comment.

Q: Your German is surprisingly good, but your accent reminds me of a city on the Danube…

A: No comment. You’ll have to excuse me, but history is strict with my time, so if you have no further questions…

Q: I’m sorry. Your methods of combat are incompatible with all UN conventions. Western observers reproach you for excessive brutality. What is your attitude to this, as a European?

A: Our methods are above all effective. UN conventions are of no interest to us. If the conventions help my men to kill more enemies, I’ll take an interest in them. I don’t care at all about western observers’ opinions. Where were the western observers all those decades when the genocide of Junjan Slovaks was in full swing? You must admit that you first came across the word Junja two years ago, when the Slovak nation’s sacred war broke out!

Q: Are there among your people many Slovaks from the continent? They say that many murderers and violent offenders have fled from the nations of the former Czechoslovakia to Junja.

A: Among my people are many courageous Slovaks risking their lives for the people’s cause. They are very useful to us, as they have combat experience. All the blood they spill here is hot and red. It is Slovak blood from which our freedom is born. I need no other information about our heroes.

Q: Where does all this hatred you harbour come from?

A: I see what the Junjans have done to the Slovak nation. First, they drag them here against their will, then enslave them and mercilessly exploit and mistreat them for a hundred years. Now they are painfully paying for all that. And so are their children. That’s how it is. We members of the Slovak resistance aren’t sportsmen who meet for a beer after a match with rivals. We don’t play at chivalrous noble warfare. We are underhand, vindictive and bloodthirsty. But we’re no cowards. We know how to die with a scornful smile on our faces and a merry song on our lips. We fight for our existence, our living space and the extermination of the entire Junjan nation. We reckon on death, but not defeat.

Q: Why don’t the Slovaks return to the Carpathian Slovak Republic?

A: Why should they? They’ve lived here, in the Slovak Archipelago, for generations. They’re at home here and here they’ll put matters in order. Anyway, who’d want them in Carpathian Slovakia? The government there supports the regime of Hüğottynünđ Űrģüll. No, we’re not seeking asylum. To say nothing of the absurdity of seeking it now, when victory is within our grasp.

Q: Have you ever thought of making peace?

A: You mean, drawing a line under the past and pretending that nothing happened?

Q; Yes.

A: Well, I’ve never considered it personally and I don’t know of anyone in my circle of fellow fighters who’d be able to do so. We hate Junjans. We hate their language, their culture, children, and women. We’ll never stop hating them.

Q: How does that fit in with the fact that the majority of Junjan Slovaks are Christian believers?

A: Our faith is deeply rooted in our hearts. Sometimes we set it aside and behave apparently at odds with the teachings of Christ. But then comes a time for repentance. We fight for the sheer survival and God is helping us in this endeavour.

Q: However, Christ is the symbol of forgiveness, of making peace. Would you be able to stop hating?

A: Only if all Junjans to a man committed suicide. I’d value that.

Q: There are few Slovaks in Junja who are racially pure. Almost all of them have some Inkirunnuit and even Junjan blood. How does that square with your nationalism?

A: For me the man is the most important thing. If he feels like a Slovak, then he is a Slovak. While the Junjans enjoyed unlimited power, they always liked to rape Slovak girls. That is why their blood runs even in our veins. But to be a Slovak is not just a question of blood. It is above all a question of will and feeling. There are many Slovaks who have accepted Junjan ideas and have thus become white Junjans. They have accepted Junjan nationality and acquired Junjan citizenship. Some even have gone and had plastic surgery on their eyes and lips in order not to look like Slovaks. That is a disgusting betrayal.

Q: What is your political aim?

A: Victory.

Q: In your future state you take no heed of the Junjan population. Or does it only seem like that to me?

A: Junjans will be our slaves. They, their children, and their children’s children will serve the Slovaks as the Slovaks once served the Junjans. Forever. I’m no opponent of slavery. Junjans are so primitive that they had no Middle Ages. Now they’ll feel what it’s like.

Q: So you’ll have a slave state?

A: To a certain extent, yes. But, leaving aside the Junjan slaves, we will, of course, try to have a classic parliamentary democracy of a West European type.

Q: The civilized world today recognizes the just cause of your fight, but is unlikely to agree with your inhumane plans for the future. Aren’t you afraid that you’ll be isolated?

A: Let’s discuss that after victory. After we kill and enslave all our enemies, we’ll be the most peace-loving and the most democratic nation in the world. We want nothing else. We’ll certainly enrich world culture significantly. We have talented people. Junjan Slovak heroic epics, handed down orally from generation to generation, are a real treasury of beauty and wisdom and are sure to serve as an inspiration for creators of modern songs and literature. We are not only good poets and soldiers. We’re good hunters, fishermen, herders and merchants, too.

Q: I’m afraid that a Europe on the brink of a new millennium will not be very interested in your fishing and herding abilities. And then, after the news of the slave state reaches the world, you’ll lose much of the world’s good will.

A: Believe me, we have something to offer the world, not just lichen for the perfume industry. We’re not going to beg the world: the whole world is going to stand at our door and wait for us to let them in.

Q: Those are brave words. What do you have to offer beside your famous lichen? A diamond as big as the Ritz?

A: I’m not at liberty to talk about it yet. Believe me, straight after victory we’ll be members of the European Union, despite the fact that we have geographically nothing in common with Europe. And despite the fact that we believe in the slave system and will never abolish it. Europe will be glad to accept us.

At the time of our arrival in Junja, Slovak rebels controlled only a few settlements in the north of the main island, a small part of the tundra and a few small islands. The Slovak uprising is, however, spreading like wildfire on the Junjan islands. We are leaving Junja. Some settlements in the south-west of the island of Öggdbardd, renamed by the Slovaks New Liptov, have also fallen to them. These are unconfirmed rumours. According to diplomats, Slovak guerrillas control a third of the railway between Ćmirçăpoļ in the south and the northern ports. Some diplomatic family members are being evacuated early this morning. We wonder how to leave Junja. Should we try the suicidal early morning flight from Űŕģüllpoļ-New Bystrica, on Air Junja’s only aircraft, where we could, at best, get standing room only, or take a Norwegian businessman’s dilapidated and rusty ship, due to sail in two days? Both ways are equally expensive, but the Norwegian ship promises more comfort. Finally, because of the pressure of time, we decide to take the plane.