Unai Elorriaga: Plants Don't Drink Coffee

In fact, Ball was very used to listening to people. If anyone had anything to say, Ball would always listen. Sometimes with too much interest. The way he held his mouth would be a giveaway. Mateo knew Ball was interested in what he was saying because of the shape of his mouth. That’s why he told him about Aitite Julian.

He told Ball who Aitite Julian was, what he was like and what his attitude was like. He told him he was a carpenter, a good one. He told him he was one of the best carpenters in Europe. Ball couldn’t believe that: he said no one could know who the best carpenter was, there’s no thermometer that measures that. Mateo said there was, there is a kind of thermometer. He told him Aitite Julian took part in a competition in 1927 in which all the best carpenters in Europe participated to decide who the greatest one of all was. And that means that Aitite Julian himself was amongst the greatest carpenters in Europe, otherwise they wouldn’t have asked him to enter the competition. And that, precisely, was what Mateo wanted to know: what did Aitite Julian do in the competition, did he win or lose. Or did he end up third, or fourth, or twelfth. That’s what Mateo wanted to know and that’s why he was asking everybody. But no one knew how to answer his question. He told Ball at home they said Fausto Lada might know what happened, because he was one of Aitite Julian’s best friends, before he went to America. He was the one to ask, they’d said at home.

“Do you know who Fausto Lada is, Ball? Fausto Lada is Gur’s uncle. You know who Gur is, don’t you?”

“How could I not know. . didn’t we just paint the rugby field with him the other night?”

“True. Well, Fausto is his uncle. And they’ve told me where he lives, and to ask him about Aitite Julian’s competition, because he’ll know. He lives there, in Saldisu.”

Mateo said he felt a bit strange just turning up at Fausto’s house like that, without an excuse, he found it a bit embarrassing. He said he didn’t know Fausto at all, and he didn’t think it was right to just turn up like that, without warning.

Saldisu Street, next day

“This is the house,” said Gur, turning to Mateo and Ball. “Uncle Fausto was a governor in Venezuela. These days he’s always out on his terrace. In the sunshine. Sometimes he’s in his garden. In the sunshine. It’s a beautiful house, isn’t it? It must be the nicest one in Salbisu. And possibly the nicest one in town too. . and what do you want to ask Uncle Fausto, Mateo?”

FAUSTO

“Hmmm. . Bien, bien, bien . . and you, young men, have you been to the Americas? These days everybody goes to America. Not in our time. In our time going to America. . going to America was an odyssey. I went to Venezuela. Caracas. We were absurdly young. And handsome. That’s why we didn’t marry there, because we were young and handsome. Hmmm. . and work? How we worked. We worked until we choked. We made more and more money. And spent very little of it. To return here afterwards. That’s why we didn’t marry there. We worked until we choked in Venezuela. Hmmm. . Bien, bien, bien . . What was it you asked, señe ? Aitite Julian? Who is Aitite Julian? Ah, Julian Maldas. . Julian Maldas, yes; I spent a lot of time with Julian Maldas. Long before I went to America. I haven’t seen him in a long time. What’s Julian up to? He died? I know he died. I too, have died plenty of times. Hmmm. . So you are Julian’s grandsons. Only you. Not you. Who are you then? A friend? You are a bit young to be Julian’s friend. I was a very good friend of Julian’s. We used to run around with the Gabal brothers a lot. And with Mutu. Mutu died young, in Africa. The Gabal brothers were Tasio and Jose Martin. We played quite a trick on Tasio. On his wedding day. We got Tasio into Mutu’s fishing boat on his wedding day. Before going to church. He didn’t want to, but we persuaded him in the end. We told him you must take a boat out to sea before marrying; that it’s a great old tradition, taking a boat out on your wedding day. And we persuaded him in the end. Hmmm. . We used to sail in Mutu’s boat a lot. Squid fishing mostly, a lot. Jose Martin used to love it. Tasio too. Jose Martin used to work on roofs, fixing roofs and so on, and you can see the sea from every roof in the Abenida there, and whenever he saw lots of boats at sea he figured there must be squid around, or something else. And he would leave the roof as it was, even with a hole in it, and call his brother, and your aitite Julian too. And Julian would close the workshop and the three of them would head off. In Mutu’s boat. Not me, I was very well behaved. We loved it though, back then. Hmmm. . Bien, bien, bien . . What was I saying, señe ? Oh yes, Tasio’s wedding day. True. We really played a trick on Tasio on his wedding day. At first he kept saying no, but we kept insisting it was an old tradition and in the end we persuaded him. And so we got Tasio on the boat, in his wedding suit. And we went as far as the rock right there in front of the port. And we turned around there. Right there, where that rock is in front of the port. We called it Galdara. We used to call it the rock of Galdara. Not now. Things now have no names. Now they call it the rock. Or the stone. People now live without names. Hmmm. . How many meters would you say there are from the rock to the port, Gur? One hundred? Fewer? I don’t think so. Probably more. At least one hundred and something. Hmmm. . So we left Tasio there. On the rock of Galdara. In his wedding suit. We had every intention of going and fetching him back after a while, after he’d suffered a little; we had every intention of taking the boat back out and getting Tasio. But Tasio got very nervous. Tasio was a very nervous guy. And so he took his clothes off, tied them up with the belt and swam over. In his underpants. He held one arm up to carry his clothes and swam with the other. Like that, all the way to the port. And then he took off his underpants before putting the suit back on. Because his underpants were soaked. And Tasio got married with no underpants on. Have you ever heard of a groom getting married with no underpants on? Tasio did. He left his underpants to dry on the steps of the quay. I went to pick them up myself, after the mass. We did things like that back then. Hmmm. . Bien, bien, bien . . So you are Julian’s grandchildren you two. Not you. Only you. I haven’t seen Julian for a long time. How is he? I’m sure he’s up to something again. But don’t get me wrong: Julian is a kind person, he’s kindness personified, but he’s always up to something. He’s a trickster. And a genius. And an artist. He was an artist with wood, Julian. And with machines as well. He used to make machines, with watches and batteries and. . he used to make very strange machines. But he was very good with wood. An artist. He was a born artist, as far as wood was concerned. Hmmm. . Bien, bien, bien . . What, señe ? The competition? What competition? Julian’s? True. . True. . The carpenter’s competition. True. I’d forgotten that story. When we reach this age, señe , the brain turns to brambles. I had completely forgotten about the competition. That competition took place. . I’ll tell you now: in the year one thousand, nine hundred and twenty-seven. I left for Venezuela precisely that year. That’s why I remember the year well: one thousand, nine hundred and twenty-seven. Hmmm. . It was a big deal here. Oh yes, the competition took place in this very town. A European competition of carpenters, and it took place right here, oh yes. Are we anything less than Paris or London? There are five churches in this town. And in the whole of Arbidas nine or ten if not more. How many churches are there in London? Not very many more. Are we anything less than London? Hmmm. . Bells are electric these days. Church bells. Did you know? Those there, in San Fausto. They are electric. No one needs to ring them anymore; they just press some buttons. No one needs to use their strength to ring the bells. Priests these days are not willing to use their strength. Hmmm. . Bien, bien, bien . . What, señe ? No, no, not at all. What did you think, that more than one hundred carpenters landed here for this competition? No, no, not at all. Only two: a Welshman and your aitite Julian. The competition they did here was the final. The European final, señe . And in the final you always get two people, no more. The best two, of course. Hmmm. . Rumor was back then, and it was a rumor spread all over Europe, that this Welshman was the best carpenter in Europe. And in the world too. But a bunch of Englishmen were against the Welsh guy. I don’t know why. I don’t know what the matter was. The English started saying that surely there was a better carpenter in Europe. They said the Welshman was well renowned, but surely there must have been a better carpenter somewhere in Europe. And they started looking around Europe. And who do you think they found but your aitite Julian. And they started talking about it in London, about how they had found this great carpenter and how it was necessary to hold a competition between the two. It even made it to the papers, the papers over there. And the English paid for all the expenses; they brought the Welsh carpenter over here, as well as his wife and three daughters. One of his daughters was an albino, she looked like a spirit. And they brought judges too, the English, judges from all over the world. And they all stayed at the inn there in Abenida: the carpenter and his family, the Englishmen, and the judges. And they spent weeks there, or even months I’d say. It was a very long competition. And a very expensive one, because think of the expense of putting them up at the inn, and bringing the judges and buying all the material and. . But you know, it’s not like the English are short of money anyway, and they like to spend and they like to bet so. . well, you know. Hmmm. . Bien, bien, bien . . The competition took place there, at San Fausto’s church. They did it right there, underneath the choir, inside the church. You know how there is an empty area underneath the choir in that church, where there are no benches and no figures and nothing. It’s exactly the same now as it was then. Things haven’t changed. So, right there. That’s where Julian and the other guy set up. And you do know why they did it inside the church, do you? You know that, right? No? You don’t know that either? Hmmm. . Because of the height. That’s why they did it inside the church. It made sense. They wanted to make a big thing for the competition, a big wardrobe. A tall one. Once they had started. . well, they wanted to make it big, Julian as well as the other guy. And Julian’s workshop was small, and, you know, once they had started, especially as it was for a competition, they wanted to make it big those two. It makes sense. Hmmm. . Bien, bien, bien . . What, señe ? Who won? You’re asking who won? I don’t know that. Didn’t I tell you already? I thought I did, yes I did tell you already. I went to America that year. One thousand, nine hundred and twenty-seven. I left Julian and the other guy right there in that church. Your aitite Julian and the other guy. I don’t know who won. I left them in the middle of the competition, because I went to America. And then I forgot. Spent three years in America without letters. Easily said, three years without letters. And fourteen more years with letters afterwards. And when I returned from America I had forgotten all about this story, this competition. Seventeen years there, in Venezuela, you know what that’s like. And I had forgotten all about the competition until you mentioned it right now. When we reach this age, señe , the brain turns to brambles, a dirty tangle of brambles. Hmmm. . Do you know who’ll know about the competition? Don Juan will know all about the competition. Do you know who Don Juan is, señe ? And you? Don Juan was the priest at San Fausto’s, right there. He’s very very old now. He was the parish priest for many, many years. He doesn’t say mass anymore. Though he attends them; he attends all of them. He’s always in a corner there, in the church, listening to the mass. He has a sharp brain on him, for his age. His brain is in better shape than mine. But Don Juan was very very young when the competition took place, very very young. He used to watch over the competition, you know, because he was the youngest priest in the parish at the time, so they gave him the worst job: watching over the carpentry competition. Because they set up the competition there, in San Fausto’s, inside the church, right there underneath the choir. Hmmm. . Bien, bien, bien . . Now, look over there, señe . You too, Gur. There, to the left, at that roof. Right. In seven minutes the sun will hit that antenna right there. And a bit of that sunshine will enter here, but most of it will stay behind the antenna. And all this is going to happen in seven minutes. And afterwards, the sunset. Hmmm. . When we reach this age, señe , the brain turns to brambles. And teeth? Do you know what teeth are like when we reach this age? Do you know what eating a walnut is like at this age, señe ? It’s a punishment from hell, that’s what it is. Hmmm. . Bien, bien, bien . . And afterwards, the sunset.