Nicole Dennis-Benn - Here Comes the Sun

“ Mama, it’s not your duty to fix someone else’s child ,” Verdene said to her mother. “ Let Delores tek care ah her own child. ”

But Ella wouldn’t listen. She was taken with the child, calling her Little Margot. Ella gave Little Margot Verdene’s old clothes to wear. They were nice dresses that Ella had to take in, stitching up the sides, adjusting the hems, adding extra buttonholes and buttons, whatever she could do to make the dresses fit Little Margot’s tiny frame.

Then one day, Verdene saw Margot crouched in a corner, crying in front of Mr. Levy’s shop. Verdene stopped to help her, imagining the girl had lost her money or fallen and bruised some part of her. “ What’s the mattah? ” she asked. Little Margot sniffled and told her that some children in her school were calling her Maggot instead of Margot .

“ Dey say ah dirty an’ smell bad .” The little girl was shaking as she told Verdene this, her bony shoulders shuddering, her chest heaving. Verdene didn’t know what to do. She rested her hand on the girl’s shoulder, and Little Margot looked up into Verdene’s face, her eyes large and watery, the pupils expanding into a well into which Verdene fell. Her fall was deep, endless; one that stirred her womb with a possessiveness, a feral instinct to hunt Little Margot’s bullies down.

Every time Verdene had to leave for university, Margot cried. Ella would have to appease the girl with promises. “ She’ll be back to see us next week, dear. ” Then, peering at Verdene, Ella’s eyes would hold in them those very questions. “ Right, darling? You’ll be back to see yuh dear mother next week, right? ”

Verdene turns her attention back inside the kitchen. She switches off the faucet, realizing water has overflowed, spilling to the floor. The dishes are piled in the sink from the breakfast she made Margot this morning — one pot full of her lopsided boiled dumplings and the other with chopped-up onions, tomatoes, and saltfish. Just an hour ago Verdene sang along to Ken Boothe, feeling hopeful, unaware of this mood that has befallen her. Unaware of the ambush of memory that awaited her. The mess in the kitchen repulses her. Verdene was never a tidy cook, or a cook at all. Everything is arranged in the cupboards the way her mother left it: plates stacked on top of each other, glasses and cups separated — the fancier ones with designs for visitors Verdene never has, and the ordinary, plain ones for everyday use. Since courting Margot, Verdene has been trying to cook more often, feeling domesticated for the first time at the age of forty. Before, when she lived in London, she would heat things up in microwaves or venture to a nearby restaurant for takeout. Such habits were possible in London, where there were restaurants everywhere. Indian, Chinese, Turkish, Caribbean, Pakistani.

Cooking is becoming a private joy Verdene works hard to maintain, delving into her mother’s old recipes inside the kitchen drawers among the utensils. They were mostly cake recipes. For other food, Verdene draws from memory — those evenings when she used to watch her mother cook, throwing spices and sugar and flour inside pots without measuring. Ella only knew how something turned out by tasting it. Verdene has adopted this method. As she experiments, she finds herself tasting more and measuring less. The process softens something inside her, makes her hum tunes to little songs as she chops and stirs. One would never have known how much Verdene once resented her mother for doing the exact same thing for her father when he was alive and came home with his dirtied boots and soiled clothes from building the railway.

“ Why can’t he ever cook his own food or set di table? ” Verdene would ask Ella, while observing her father recline on his favorite chair with the newspaper, smoking his cigarettes and taking swigs of white rum. He sought refuge in the clouds of smoke that surrounded him and the liquor that warmed his blood. Ella was mostly dismissive of Verdene’s questions, fanning her away with, “ When yuh get to this stage you’ll know why. ” Verdene never knew what that meant. In rebellion (she thinks), she had never been able to give of herself this way in relationships, fearing she would have to be some man’s maid, or his personal servant. As abusive as Verdene’s father was, Ella worshipped the ground he walked on.

In her first marriage, Verdene failed miserably. Not because she didn’t love the man — a nice devout Catholic from Guyana her aunt handpicked for her — but because she could never pretend to be that kind of a woman. But here she is, in her mother’s kitchen, finally understanding what her mother meant.

When Verdene reenters the bedroom, Margot is already dressed, ready to go.

“We have to talk,” Verdene says, taking a deep, labored breath. Margot sits on the bed, her hands clasped. Verdene notices that the food remains uneaten. She also notices that Margot has been crying. Her eyes are red and the flesh around them is raw.

“What yuh want to talk about?” Margot asks. When she turns her face to the side, light catches it and Verdene is taken aback by her beauty. She walks over and sits next to the younger woman. She takes Margot’s hand into hers and holds it. She lifts it to her lips, then presses it to her cheeks. Margot takes it away.

“Maybe you’re right,” she says.

Verdene lets her hand drop to her side. “Right about what?”

“That I’m not ready.”

Margot sits frozen like a statue, her head held straight. The only hint that she is breathing is the slow rise and fall of her chest. Two buttons are open in the front of her blouse. Verdene catches a glimpse of the soft flesh underneath. Margot turns to look at her and repeats, “I’m not ready,” as though to convince herself.

Verdene takes Margot’s hand — in the same way she did the night before the discovery of the first dead dog. “We should try again,” she says. “But I’ll leave it up to you. .” She takes a deep breath.

Margot visibly relaxes, as though she was expecting another response. Verdene feels an overwhelming urge to hold her, but she doesn’t. They sit like this, both staring straight ahead, their hands in their laps. The words leave Verdene’s mouth, floating above them in the bedroom, finally settling with the rise and fall of their pregnant sighs like a sheet flung over a bed.

“I only knew men,” Margot whispers, still staring straight ahead. “I always had feelings for you.” Margot is shaking her head as though she has gotten lost and is too overwhelmed with directions leading her to streets with no names. “But I’m not. . I don’t know if I. .”

Verdene nods, but she says nothing. She focuses on the nails in the wooden floorboards, their round black heads appearing like dots. Margot rests her head on Verdene’s shoulder. Her gesture seems to signal that they have stepped into an intimate circle and are joined together in this uncertainty. Breathing in deeply, Margot says, “I want you to teach me how to swim.”

IT’S A COOL AND DAMP MORNING — THE WAY IT USUALLY IS BEFORE the sun makes its appearance, sucking all possibilities dry. Margot had gotten dressed at Verdene’s house, entertaining the idea of them as a couple. It’s not as though this has never occurred to her before — this seed that slipped into the cavity of her chest, settling itself inside her for the last few weeks. Something triggered its growth. Perhaps it was the way Verdene held her the night before, confirming for Margot that they fit together.

Margot begins to walk with clarity through the thinning fog, cradling this idea like a newborn baby. Her mind races ahead to the possibility of leaving River Bank for a nice beachfront villa in the quiet, gated community of Lagoons — a place far from River Bank where Margot could give freely of herself, comforted by the cool indifference of wealthy expats from Europe and America. It would be like living in another country. Ever since Reginald Senior hosted a party years ago at a lavish villa in that neighborhood for a few of his friends and invited her, she has always wanted to live there. Margot was astonished by how the wealthy in Jamaica live; how for them, the island is really paradise — a woman who offers herself without guile, her back arched in the hills and mountains, belly toward the sun. For even in this drought her rivers run long and deep; her beaches, wide and tempting.