Daniela Kapitánová - Samko Tále's Cemetery Book

Right.

Old Gusto Rúhe often urinates in the Floral Display and his lower lip hangs down almost to his chin and it’s blue. It’s blue like the colour blue. That’s what old Gusto Rúhe’s lower lip is like.

But the thing is, he doesn’t have anything in the world except the Moonstone and that’s why he does all his sleeping and urinating and whatever outside the Pub by the Railway Station, and only in the winter when it gets very cold he goes to spend the night in the garages at the Cemetery, because he was allowed to sleep there. But the weird thing is that when it’s cold in the winter the garages get very cold too because there’s no heating there. But old Gusto Rúhe goes to sleep there anyway when it gets very cold in the winter. Because he can’t walk very well regarding his toes that got hammered. And the other thing old Gusto Rúhe said was that this man called Sabopal kept his hammers in a cupboard and that he had them sorted by size and each prisoner had to pick the hammer that he wanted to be beaten with from all the hammers in the cupboard.

Because that was the law.

And ever since then old Gusto Rúhe just sits and stinks in front of the Pub except when it gets cold in the winter and then he goes to sleep in the garages at the Cemetery. Because he was allowed due to his fortune-telling.

Once there was this man in Komárno whose name was Dávid Szervusz and he was the Cemetery manager. He once asked old Gusto Rúhe to tell his fortune and what Gusto Rúhe wrote on the tarmac was:

‘Szervuszová mustn’t take the train.’

But the thing was, this Szervusz had a mother and a wife and two daughters and all of them were called Szervuszová because they were women, so their names ended in — ová , but old Gusto Rúhe wouldn’t tell him which Szervuszová mustn’t take the train, so after that no Szervuszová ever took a train again. Instead, they always took the hearse wherever they went, and when Szervusz retired he bought the hearse off the Cemetery so that he could drive his family around in it, because everyone in Komárno knew that the fortune-telling had said that Szervuszová mustn’t take the train. And he was scared in case anything ever happened that he would have a bad conscience about it and also that he could get into big trouble due to having allowed it when he knew about it.

Then he was killed by a stroke and he didn’t have to drive the Szervuszová women in a hearse any more. His mother is 96 years old now and she’s still alive and, if she doesn’t take a train, she’ll live until the end of her life.

When Dávid Szervusz was still alive he let old Gusto Rúhe sleep in the garages when it got very cold in winter, and when Szervusz died he was still allowed to sleep there.

That’s why I sometimes think that maybe there’s no law saying I have to write the Cemetery Book because maybe old Gusto Rúhe just went off his head from all the sleeping in the garages at the Cemetery. Maybe he went off his head due to that and that’s why his fortune-telling got like this, right?

Right.

He only tells fortunes for men even though women would also like him to tell their fortune but he says he’ll tell a woman’s fortune only if she lets him grope her. In that place, you know where I mean. Between her legs. The vagina.

But women don’t let him because they are indignated due to that. Only a few women did let him but even they were indignated regarding being groped, with all the people outside the Pub by the Railway Station watching.

Not even that rat-woman Angelika Édesová lets him tell her fortune because she won’t let him grope her.

Even though she’s a Gypsy and they don’t mind being groped because they are Gypsies. Slovaks never let anyone grope them because they’re not Gypsies. Once I asked old Gusto Rúhe what was up with Darinka Gunárová; then he could do the fortune-telling without any groping and all I had to do was hold the Moonstone and think of Darinka Gunárová.

Yesterday I saw Darinka Gunárová outside the Cultural Centre.

But what old Gusto Rúhe had written on the tarmac was this:

‘She’s got a bottomless one.’

Everybody had a good laugh and that raving queer Borka, who has several convictions on top of being a queer, said that if she had a bottomless one then ‘even mine might fit in there’. That raving queer! He’s got a target tattooed on his bottom and the bull’s-eye is in there. You know what I mean. His rectum.

But I reported him to Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences), and I told him all about how he was a raving queer but Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) said that unfortunately nothing could be done about it these days because we had Democracy now.

Once I told Alf Névéry that there were people in Komárno who were queers and that there were also some women who were queers and they’re called lesbians. Alf Névéry just shrugged his shoulders and I got really worked up because everyone hates queers and I thought that Alf Névéry was everyone too and would hate queers, but he just shrugged his shoulders and he wasn’t even indignated. But how come there are queers when it’s not allowed?

If I were a High Up I would make sure queers were not allowed and then there wouldn’t be any, right?

Right.

Like Ivana, she is a great artist regarding the piano but she doesn’t care regarding queers and her husband doesn’t, either. Otherwise, people normally laugh at them because they think it’s funny when someone’s a queer.

I think it’s funny, too.

And sometimes people think it’s disgusting, too.

Sometimes I think it’s disgusting, too.

There hasn’t been a single queer or lesbian in my family because that would have been embarrassing, but luckily we were a very nice family regarding queers and lesbians. And also regarding everything else, because everyone in my family was like they should be, only Uncle Otto wasn’t like he should have been because he’d been struck by lightning. The lightning went in at Uncle Otto’s shoulder and it came out of his foot and lots of things happened to him due to that and he started to think that he had a Mission regarding mushrooms. And then he went missing and nobody knows if he will ever stop being missing again, because nobody knows.

Uncle Otto had a disability pension regarding his nerves due to the lightning that went in at his shoulder and came out of his foot but otherwise you couldn’t tell, except that his moustache and his hair stayed black but his beard went all grey.

It was very weird.

Otherwise he was just like everyone else, except he had this Mission.

He was my Mum’s brother and he was ten years older than my Mum. My Mum was ten years younger than him. My Mum had a disability pension too, but hers was not regarding nerves, hers was regarding her bad back, so they both had a disability pension. My Mum was a piano teacher regarding children but she taught at home because she had a disability pension.

My Mum’s name was Emília Táleová and everyone called her Milka. My Dad’s name was Emil and everyone called him Emil. My Dad was a teacher regarding woodworking and he always used to bring home all sorts of leftovers, because he said they might come in handy. My Dad was from Detva. Detva is a long way away. I’ve never been to Detva. My other Grandfather, his name was Emil Tále, also lived in Detva, and my Dad’s brother lived in Detva too and his name was Samuel Tále. My name is Samuel Tále too but I’m not from Detva, I’m from Komárno. It’s much better to be from Detva than from Komárno, because whenever I say that I’m from Komárno it makes people laugh but when I say that my Dad is from Detva they stop laughing. Because it’s funny to be from Komárno but it’s a serious thing to be from Detva. Detva is a long way away. I’ve never been there. But once I saw Detva on TV and my Dad started yelling: