Xiaobin Xu - Crystal Wedding

Tianyi was not allowed to be at the trial itself. Yiyi was, as his wife and so were the others who had been active with Zheng. Peng had come back especially to testify in Zheng’s defence. Other friends came too.

Zheng’s parents were not present, however. His mother, Mrs Ke, phoned Tianyi and asked if she would go over and see them. Of course, Tianyi went straightaway, taking a bag of prawns with her. Prawns were a luxury back then. Tianyi realized, as soon as she arrived, that the old couple had asked her over because they were frantic with worry. Although his father had been a high-ranking military officer, and well able to look after himself, now he was elderly and fragile and sometimes he let his defences drop. Mrs Ke for her part found it most strange that Zheng had had numerous friends, especially from the last few years, who were forever knocking on their door and knew his house as well as their own — and yet the only one who dropped by now was a young woman whom they found rather mystifying. Tianyi was no longer young and, at first glance, was nothing special to look at, but she had a physical presence, something that made you want to trust her and tell your innermost feelings. Mrs Ke felt that Tianyi was worth a second look, and the more she looked, the more she found beauty. Not prettiness, which in any case was confined to the face, but a kind of beauty that emanated from the inside, a kind that blurred someone’s age. Mrs Ke felt that it pervaded the room, in a way she had never experienced before. Very early on, she formed an idea (albeit prematurely) about this young woman, How good it would be if this girl became my daughter-in-law!

Tianyi sensed the old couple’s expectations and did not like them one bit. But she felt she had to play her role, and play it brilliantly, because these were exceptional times. She got dinner ready for them, something she was adept at, washing and chopping the vegetables, shelling and de-veining the prawns, all in complete silence. She did not even clatter the bowls and plates. And all the while, Mrs Ke stood in the doorway of the kitchen, as if she was watching her own daughter-in-law. Tianyi might look too delicate to do the cooking but she actually knew just what she was doing. Mrs Ke watched as Tianyi unhurriedly lit a match, poured oil into the clean wok and stir-fried some chopped onion, lifting and turning the pieces in the smoking pan with the shovel-ladle. As the fragrance rose into the air, Mrs Ke thought what a good girl she was. Why had her son given her up? She wouldn’t have meddled ordinarily, but these weren’t ordinary times. Why shouldn’t she try and make things right for her son? She was an uneducated old woman, with little schooling, but very determined. Once she made up her mind, she went right ahead and did whatever she had decided on. In point of fact, she was stubborn to the point of pig-headedness.

They got news of the case in the afternoon. Peng and a few other friends who had testified came by, and Peng, his eyes red-rimmed, told them what had happened. With three video cameras trained on him, Zheng delivered an impassioned statement. Thus far, this was what Tianyi expected. Zheng was nothing if not eloquent. Several years of practice in university elections had taught him that. What she had not expected was the news that Zheng had contracted hepatitis and it had flared up. Only a gigantic effort of willpower had kept him going in the court. More surprising still, after the judgment was given, Yiyi had flung herself at her husband and made a heart-rending scene. Peng looked disdainful as he recounted the hullabaloo she had kicked up. No one said anything.

Zheng was sentenced to thirteen years. Thirteen years. Longer than the anti-Japanese War and the War of Liberation added together. Tianyi made a rapid calculation: she would be well into her forties by the time he got out, nearing fifty. And Zheng would have given the prime of his life to prison and by the time he was out, he would be finished.

Looking at the tears streaming down Mrs Ke’s cheeks, Tianyi knew she must hold her own back, and she did — until the evening when she was alone. Then she cried a small river. Luckily, Lian was away on business. Her cherub Niuniu was sound asleep, so soundly that not even a military band could have woken him. Then, at dead of night when all was quiet, there came a light knock on the door. Tianyi was startled. Had someone betrayed her? Was this the police come to get her? She imagined the arrest warrant, the handcuffs glinting as they were fastened on and she was taken away. It was a nightmare she had had countless times. As she opened the door, however, she felt no fear. What would be, would be. There was no avoiding it.

The man came in bringing a gust of warm air with him. Without waiting for a response from her, he embraced her. She did not have to see his face to know it was Peng. He must have been drinking — his face was flushed and his eyes suffused with red, too. He opened his mouth and tears rolled down his cheeks as he said: ‘Tianyi, I can’t bear it! I can’t bear it!’

What happened next seemed entirely logical. Peng carried Tianyi to the bed and she did not resist. She felt as if she had been drugged. She had a vague feeling that they had suffered so much, these ‘fighters for democracy’, that she had no good reason, or the strength, to refuse to console him. In her heart of hearts, there was also an opposing voice, but she did not hear it clearly and she did not have time to sort out what she was thinking. It was all happening too fast, everything rational was being stripped away along with her clothes. She just had time to wonder how he had become so adept at taking off women’s clothes.

Once she was naked, he knelt in front of her. ‘You’re so beautiful,’ he said. ‘You’ve always been my goddess, but always unattainable. When I was in that damned place in the South, you were the only one I wrote to and you actually sent me books. I flipped through them but I couldn’t read them, all I could see was you, and when I thought of you, I … I used to jerk off … I never imagined that I would see you again in this life. I can’t let you go now. I can’t let you go ever again …’

She could not refuse him. She shut her eyes and tried to imagine that this man caressing her was Zheng. His hands lingered on her breasts, caressing them, sucking them, and they gradually distended and her nipples hardened, and her body, starved of caresses for so long, came back to life. Like all the men who had seen her body, he admired her breasts. Then his muscular hand slid down to that secret place and she suddenly began to tremble.

‘What is it?’ He sounded anxious.

‘Nothing, nothing. Don’t talk.’ She turned off the bedside light and focused on turning this man into her beloved Zheng. Her Zheng, her tormented, persecuted Zheng. Zheng, who had never once touched her intimately. At the thought of him, her eyes filled with tears.

At the crucial moment, he stopped. ‘What is it?’ She turned the light back on. ‘I don’t know, I’ve gone … soft,’ he mumbled. Wretchedly, he pulled himself off her and sat up, naked, his face covered in sweat. His penis was so pitifully shrivelled, it looked as if it would never grow erect ever again. She looked away. She did not know why, but the male genitals were still an impenetrable mystery to her, something ugly that she did not want to look at. She still had such horrible memories of her wedding night. She used to dream about penises and, each time, been filled with terror. She was genuinely frightened of them, they had only ever brought her pain and distress.

Peng went to the bathroom and masturbated for a long time, then came back and tried again, but it was hopeless. ‘Maybe I got too excited,’ he stammered. ‘Let’s talk instead. Maybe it’ll be better if I’m more relaxed.’ She forced down her scorn and impatience, and turned over. ‘You’re just too tired,’ she said distantly, ‘Let’s get some rest.’ But Peng was not about to give up. ‘No, I’m not tired at all … let’s try again, one more time.’ ‘No,’ she sat up and put her pyjamas back on. She did not look at him. It was as if he had vanished into thin air. ‘Why don’t you get washed and get some sleep? You may not be tired but I am … And anyway, how did you know Lian was away on business?’ she flung at him. Then she turned out the light, and went to sleep in her study. She knew that her last comment would keep him awake for a good while.