Alice Adams - Invincible Summer

‘Nope.’ Sylvie shook her head. ‘I didn’t realize how much things would change and how little we would be able to control.’

‘It felt like we were invincible,’ said Lucien. ‘Back in the day, I mean. We weren’t stupid, I knew life didn’t stay the same forever, but I didn’t really know it, y’know?’

Sylvie took up the theme. ‘And there was always going to be a way out. You’d go over a cliff in a Ferrari, or overdose in a squat in a tragic-yet-glamorous act of artistic excess. I never really thought about having people relying on me. Let alone trying to raise a child on my own.’

A mischievous look crept over Eva’s face. ‘By the way, Sylvie, Big Paul happened to let slip the other day that he’d been over to your place last week. Called it an “investor update” when he cottoned on to the fact you hadn’t mentioned it to me. But of course, you two wouldn’t be conducting investor meetings without your CEO there, would you now?’

‘Oh, jog on. He just comes by for a coffee and a walk on the Heath with me and Allegra every now and again. He gets a bit moony-eyed sometimes but I don’t really think there’s anything in it. Believe it or not, men aren’t queuing around the block to take on a single mother with a disabled child. Anyway, I’m not even sure I’d want one. I haven’t done too badly on my own, have I?’

‘You’ve been brilliant,’ Lucien told her. ‘I’d never have dreamt of having kids, what with how messed up our own childhood was. You know how that shit runs in families. So double pat on the back to you.’

‘Oh, Lucien, I know we’re going to still be having this argument when we’re eighty, but having Allegra has made me sympathize with Mum more. I mean, it’s really tough, being a parent. She asked how you were doing when she phoned the other day, you know. And I think she’s drinking a bit less now.’

‘Whatever.’ He held his hand up in the air, last two fingers looking pinker and shinier than usual in contrast with the tanned skin of the rest of his hand, and turned it around slowly in front of his face. ‘I know who my real family are. They’re right here on this beach.’

‘Speaking of which, Sylvie, you do know you’re not really on your own, don’t you?’ said Eva. ‘Even if you got hit by a bus tomorrow, there’d still be me and Benedict and Lucien to look after Allegra. And when we’re gone, Will and Josh will be here to make sure she’s all right, she’s virtually a sister to them. If there’s one thing that I’ve realized since Keith died, it’s that friendship and love are pretty much all we’ve got that’s worth anything. Everything else is noise.’ She reached out and took her friend’s hand, and they all fell quiet.

‘Talking of love,’ said Lucien eventually without opening his eyes, ‘did you know that Eva used to be in love with me?’

‘Yep,’ answered Sylvie casually, and then at Eva’s squeak of horror, added, ‘You could hardly miss the way you used to hang on to his every word. I used to wish he’d just put you out of your misery.’

‘Bloody hell! Put me out of my misery? It wasn’t all unrequited pining, I’ll have you know.’ Eva glanced towards the shore to make sure Benedict was out of earshot. ‘Do you know what he did? He slept with me. Back in Bristol, in our first year. And then acted like it never happened, the complete bastard.’

Sylvie looked up and arched an eyebrow first at Lucien and then at Eva.

‘Really? You actually shagged her? And you didn’t tell me?’ This last directed at Eva.

‘Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t know how you’d take it. I figure you can’t bollock me for it now, seeing as it happened a good couple of decades ago.’

‘Christ. You could have ended up my sister-in-law.’

‘Not exactly,’ said Lucien. ‘I wasn’t really looking for the white picket fence experience back then, and she was way out of my league by the time I realized what she was worth.’ He tugged her towards him so that his arm was around her neck, half embrace and half headlock.

Eva laughed and inhaled deeply, her face in his neck. ‘You still smell the same,’ she told him quietly.

Sylvie made a gagging noise. ‘I heard that, you know. Now you’re really grossing me out.’

They all laughed and settled back down against the blanket. Eva stared out at the luminescent water and thought back to the day when she had scattered Keith’s ashes into the sea. She wriggled out of Lucien’s embrace and peeled off her dress to the bikini underneath, then walked down to join Benedict and the children at the water’s edge.

‘Find any sea monsters?’

‘No, but we did find some seaweed and a dead starfish to decorate our sandcastle.’ Benedict waved towards the elaborately moated and turreted fortress that the boys had built, which was now being demolished under the onslaught of Allegra’s enthusiastic embellishment.

Eva smiled weakly but didn’t say anything, so he took her hand and led her into the water, close enough to keep an eye on the kids but far enough away to talk.

‘What’s up?’

She looked down at her feet. ‘I got my period this morning.’

‘Ah.’ Benedict rubbed his eyes. ‘Eva, I’m sorry.’

‘Me too.’

‘So that’s it, then.’

‘Yes.’

‘Unless you want to keep going.’

‘I don’t think so. Do you? It’s not like the odds aren’t stacked against us, what with my age and four failed IVF cycles under our belt.’

‘No,’ he said slowly. ‘I don’t want to keep going. I’d do it for you, but I don’t want it for myself. I don’t want to live under the shadow of it anymore, I feel like it’s suffocating us and sucking all the joy out of the other things in our lives. And there are lots of good things in our lives.’

‘There are, aren’t there? Maybe it’s time to start focusing on them again. Look at what we’ve got: each other, Allegra, Josh, Will, our friends, my business, your research. That’s a lot, right? More than most people have. Shouldn’t this be enough?’

Benedict slid his arms around her waist and pulled her body close to his. ‘I’m not sure there’s any “should” about these things. But I know it’s enough for me.’ He paused. ‘Eva, do you think it can be enough for you? Really? Because I have everything I need so long as you’re happy.’

‘It’s not perfect, but then, what is? I’ll get used to it. To be honest, I think I already have. I think I stopped daring to really hope for it quite a long time ago.’ She tightened her arms around him and rested her head against his shoulder, savouring the warmth and the salty smell of his skin. They stood leaning against each other up to their knees in the water, watching the children and swaying slightly with the waves.

After a while she said, ‘Yes.’

‘“Yes?”’

‘I can be happy with this, with what I’ve got. I’m happy right now, in fact.’ Eva turned her face up to his and smiled. ‘Now, you get back to your sandcastle. I’m going for a swim.’

Benedict looked at her like she was crazy. ‘You do realize the water’s freezing further out?’

But Eva was already heading away from him, out along the shore.

*

Faster and faster she runs, feet flying across sand and hair streaming behind her, until finally certain that the children won’t notice and try to follow her, Eva plunges into the sea. The cold paralyses her momentarily, pressing the breath from her chest so that she comes up kicking and gasping, but soon she has swum far enough out that her body is beginning to acclimatize. She loves the elemental feeling of the ocean, its vastness. The way a human is a mere speck within it, the way its sheer force and indifference is both frightening and compelling at the same time. Something washes past her leg and she shivers, because you never know whether it’s a skein of seaweed or a giant squid, and to quell that thought she swims further out, feeling her muscles straining pleasurably at the effort.