Lara Vapnyar - Still Here

The next e-mail was from Aunt Masha. She was overjoyed that Regina was coming to Moscow! They would go to the cemetery together and then have a meal in Olga’s honor. She insisted that Regina stay with her during her visit. “It’s unthinkable,” she wrote, “for you to stay at a hotel in Moscow, like a tourist in your own city!” Regina groaned. It was hard enough to go to visit the grave, but to stay with Aunt Masha would be unbearable. Ever since Regina’s mother had died, Aunt Masha wouldn’t leave her alone. Even though Regina lived in America now, and was married to a kind, wonderful, and very rich man, Aunt Masha felt that her duty was to watch over Regina and take care of her. She would write her very detailed letters and ask embarrassingly personal questions about Regina’s new life. She would ask if Regina had found work, if she was happy with her new life in general, if she was happy with Bob, if she was in love with him. Did Bob have any children? Was he a good father? Did he want more children? Was he sad that Regina couldn’t have children? Would he consider adoption? Aunt Masha wasn’t subtle, no. She worked as a math teacher at an orphanage, and sometimes she would even go so far as to send Regina pictures of younger orphanage kids. Mostly babies, an occasional toddler. All had pleading expressions in their eyes, or was Regina just imagining that? She had to be firm and told Aunt Masha that adoption was out of the question, that the subject of children was painful and uncomfortable to her, and if Aunt Masha wanted to keep in touch with Regina she had to stop badgering her. The pictures and the questions did stop after that. Yet something told Regina that they hadn’t stopped for good. Aunt Masha often brought kids from the orphanage home. They would stay with her for days and sometimes even weeks. Regina could only hope that Aunt Masha’s apartment wouldn’t be teeming with adorable little orphans by the time she arrived.

The next e-mail was from a former classmate Alexey Kuzmin, who claimed that he was Abramovich’s business partner. He said that he lived in New Jersey now and wanted to get together. Kuzmin had been the sleaziest, most obnoxious guy in their entire grade. They had never been friendly; in fact, Regina didn’t think they had ever talked while they were in school. It was clear that he had heard that she was married to Bob and was now trying to get to him through her. Regina switched off her Gmail and turned to Facebook. Facebook was easy: a perfect stranger named Anita Lapshin who wanted Regina to like the page “Anita Lapshin.” Regina hesitated but didn’t “like” the page. She did “like” Vica’s photo of a smiling Eric though, just so Vica wouldn’t get mad. Vadik identified Regina’s social media personality as “the lurker,” because she rarely posted anything herself and almost never commented or liked. There was something unsavory in that description, as if she was spying on people, but she had to admit that Vadik was right. She thought of the drama unraveling in her friends’ social media as something like a TV series she could watch without participating. The idea of commenting and liking was foreign to her as well. Or perhaps she simply didn’t have the skill of responding to something that wasn’t addressed to her personally but released into the wild for everybody’s attention. Now, Vica was “the affirmer”: she “liked” everything and posted all these uplifting photos of their family trips, of Eric smeared with ice cream or pasta sauce, and especially of colorful breakfasts. Sergey was — she forgot what it was called. Sergey never posted anything himself, but he would often butt in on his friends’ discussions with an especially lengthy intellectual comment and then comment on his own comment, sometimes days later. Vadik himself thrived on social media, because it allowed him to try all those different personalities. He was witty on Twitter, charming on Facebook, philosophical on his Tumblr. When Regina shared Vadik’s social media ideas with Bob, Bob just shook his head. “Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Social media is meant for communication, it’s not supposed to be creative, definitely not supposed to be soul shaping.” Bob and Becky were model social media citizens. Their posts were not too frequent and not too long; they liked generously and commented sparingly; they radiated personal warmth and promoted their work in moderation.

There was a Facebook message from Vadik. He wanted her to help him interpret Sejun’s sudden idea to look for a job in New York so that she and Vadik could live together. Regina was so tired of interpreting Vadik’s love life! “But you’re so levelheaded,” he would say. Which meant what? Cerebral, coldhearted, incapable of love herself?

When Vica dumped Vadik for Sergey and Sergey dumped Regina for Vica, some people were hoping that Regina would take up with Vadik. The problem was that they weren’t attracted to each other. Well, Vadik definitely wasn’t. Everyone said he was still pining for Vica. It would have been disastrous for Regina. To be with another man who preferred Vica to her? No, thank you! So, yes, a romantic relationship between her and Vadik was out of the question, especially now that she had Bob, but Regina couldn’t help but hate it when Vadik came to her with his love puzzles.

Her relationship with Sergey and Vica was more complicated. After her breakup with Sergey back in Russia, Regina had never expected to become friends with him and Vica. She found herself forced into this friendship because she was friends with Vadik, and Vica and Sergey and Vadik kind of came as a package. And here, in New York, she didn’t really know anyone and couldn’t afford to refuse friends. She was especially starved for female company. Becky was there and Becky was smart and nice, but she belonged to a different generation and she was Bob’s family — you couldn’t be completely open with your husband’s daughter. So Regina did try to become better friends with Vica, but each of her attempts was met with spiky resistance on Vica’s part. And every time the four of them met, Vica kept darting sneaky inquisitive stares at Regina, clearly worried that she still loved Sergey. Sergey seemed to wonder the same thing. She didn’t love him! More than that, she now doubted that she ever had. But the worst thing about Vica and Sergey was that they constantly tried to push yet another of their stupid app ideas on Bob. They tried to exploit him, and she felt exploited as well. Regina cringed every time Vica made allusions to her frivolous lifestyle while complaining about her job, and her awful commute from Staten Island, and all those chores she had to do, and the fact that she basically had two children — Erik and Sergey. Was Vica trying to guilt her into helping them? That would be so unfair. Still, Regina couldn’t help but feel guilty because of the simple fact that Vica and Sergey had to struggle financially and she didn’t. Sergey kept asking her if it was possible to change Bob’s mind about Virtual Grave. No, she told him, it was not possible. And even if it was, Regina wouldn’t have lifted a finger to try. She hated the idea of Virtual Grave. Death was an ugly, stupid, terrifying joke. There was nothing, absolutely nothing, you could do to make it more meaningful, or more beautiful, or easier to stomach. The only way to deal with it was to ignore it for as long as you could.

The water started to boil. Regina put coffee into her French press, poured the hot water, stirred, let it it brew for a little while, and pressed down on the plunger. She poured herself a cup and carried it out to the terrace. To unlock the terrace door, Regina needed both hands, so she had to balance the cup against her stomach. Some coffee splashed — onto her stomach.

And then she was outside and blinded by all the light from the sky and the river, the boats, and the pretty disarray of buildings in New Jersey. The weather was perfect too — cool and delicious with an early September breeze.