Ivan Klíma - Judge On Trial

‘Adam never did anything bad.’

‘They all did. Even my father, before they sent him to prison. At the very least they all kept their mouths shut about the crimes that the others were committing. They said nothing because they were glad their party was in power.’

The light in the kitchen was feeble and it made his face look even paler than it really was. She ought to send him off to bed, but she still had to talk to him. To talk to him maybe for the last time ever and therefore she must use the opportunity to communicate with him as much as she could, and draw him back from the abyss to the edge of which he was still desperately clinging. ‘Shall I sugar your tea?’

‘Thank you.’

He got up and looked as if he was intending to sit down next to her. She stopped him: ‘No, I want to be able to see you.’

He sat down again.

‘Honza, my pet, will you listen to me now?’

‘Yes. I always listen to you, Alena. And every one of your words will stay with me: till the day I die.’

‘That’s fine. So tell me how you could do such a thing. What were you thinking of at the time?’

‘I wasn’t thinking of anything. I just realised I would never see you again. That it was the end.’

‘You know yourself that isn’t true.’

‘Isn’t true. Tell me once again that it isn’t!’

‘No, hold on. That’s not the point. Didn’t you give any thought at all to what effect you’d have on the people around you? On your mother? And me? How can someone do something like that and not give a thought to the people around him?’

‘There was only one thing I could think of: that I wouldn’t be able to live without you!’

‘You know very well you’ll live without me.’

‘I’ll live if that’s what you want.’

‘No! Say: I’ll live because I myself want to.’

‘I will live because I want to if that’s what you want!’

‘You mean you don’t enjoy life?’

‘I do enjoy it.’

‘Well, there you are!’

‘When I’m with you, Alena. When I know I’m breathing the same air as you. When I can see your wonderful brow, when I can hear your voice. Are you cross with me?’

‘No… I don’t know… I’m touched by what you say. But don’t you even enjoy listening to music? Or dancing?’

‘Alena, whenever I hear beautiful music it reminds me of you. And if ever I go dancing again I’ll tell myself how you danced with me that evening and had a snow star on your forehead. Because that was the happiest evening of my life.’

‘You’ll be happy again. There are lots of people you’ll be happy with. You’ll be happier with them than you ever could be with me.’

‘Are you serious, Alena?’

‘It’s what I believe.’

‘I don’t, Alena. I’ve already got to know people. I’ve got to know what they’re really like. Just after Dad went to prison I had my eighth birthday. Mum baked a cake and said: invite some lads. I had three pals; we were always together. And she made sandwiches too. And that wasn’t as simple as it sounds; we had no money at the time. I told those boys and they all promised they’d come. Then I spent the whole afternoon waiting for them and when evening came not one of them had turned up because their parents wouldn’t let them on account of my father being in prison.’

‘But that’s ages ago, Honza! There’s no need to dwell on it now!’

‘I always got top marks at school, because Mum told me that that was my only hope of getting into secondary school and that she had a promise from the principal. But then they sent me to a factory, anyway.’

‘But it worked out all right in the end, didn’t it?’

‘Yes, because I met you.’

‘I’m talking about something else, aren’t I?’

‘Yes, forgive me. It’s all been inconsiderate of me. I’ll go. I’ll go out of here and out of your life.’

‘All I want is for you to be happy. With me you wouldn’t be.’

‘I’d be the happiest man on earth.’

‘You know that’s not true.’

‘Anyone who’s lucky enough to be near you, Alena, has to be happy. Anyone who glimpses you, if only for a split second. When you have this look in your eyes. When you have eyes like an angel, like a goddess!’

‘Stop saying such things!’

‘It’s the truth, Alena. You’re the most marvellous person I’ve ever met. And the most beautiful. You’ve got such lovely hands.’

‘Honza, my love, please, you gave me your promise…’

‘But it’s all right on your hand, isn’t it? I’d love to kiss your hands from morning to night. And through the night. And listen to you breathing.’

‘Hold it. I wanted to tell you that it’s not because of me that you see and feel as you do. It’s because you’re in love. Promise me…’

‘But I’ve promised you everything: that I’ll be happy, that I’ll walk around Prague smiling at everyone…’

‘Please, don’t be ironic. I want you to promise me you’ll never again… that you’ll never again try to take your own life.’

‘I promise you, but…’

‘If you love me just a little bit, then there’ll be no buts about it…’

‘I’ll never forget you, Alena, as long as I live.’

‘That’s fine. You’ll have to live a long time so I always have someone who will never forget me!’

‘You want me to think about you?’

‘I’ll think about you too, even when you have someone else to love. And I’ll be glad there is someone you love, and who…

‘I’ll never love anyone. How can you even say such a thing, Alena? Alena, you can’t seriously mean it — that I’d be capable of loving someone the way I do you. I’d sooner… I’d sooner not live…’

‘You will live and you will love someone!’

‘I get you, Alena. You’ve had enough. I’ll leave tomorrow. I promise. And you won’t have to worry about me any more. That was also one of the reasons why I did it, Alena: so I wouldn’t be a nuisance any more. I’m always a nuisance to everyone.’

‘Don’t talk that way. You know it hurts me when you say such things.’

‘But afterwards, when we were already in the car, I suddenly saw how everything was slipping away from me, how you were receding, and it struck me what an awful thing I’d done, and I longed to wake up and see you once more. In ten years’ time, say! That was the last thing that went through my mind — I sort of pictured myself ringing your doorbell, but it was years from now, because I could see myself and I had grey hair. I got terribly frightened in case you weren’t there behind the door, that it wouldn’t be you who opened it or that I, that by then I…’

‘Will you shut up, Honza! Stop saying things like that to me!’

‘Are you crying, Alena? On account of me? I love you for that. Oh, I love you, I’m madly in love with you, Alena. And then when I woke up — wait a sec while I wipe that tear from your cheek.’

‘Hush! Can’t you hear? It sounds like a car coming up the hill.’

‘I couldn’t say. I just want to hear you.’

‘It is. It’s Adam.’

‘But you said he wouldn’t be coming. After all it’s almost midnight.’

‘It can’t be anyone else. Oh, my God!’

When he entered the door, he stood staring at her companion for a few moments. He didn’t recognise him, obviously. ‘You’re not asleep yet?’ he observed with surprise.

‘Honza twisted his ankle,’ she said. ‘He was camping nearby. So I told him he could sleep in the upstairs room for the time being. He’s leaving tomorrow.’

‘Of course.’

‘Would you like some tea, as well?’

‘No, I don’t think so.’ He poured himself some water from the jug and took a few mouthfuls from the glass. Then he sat down at the table. ‘Children asleep?’ he asked pointlessly.